Watching the Teen Choice Awards is a strange thing to do as a childless adult. It's an alternating mix of feeling old because I know who some of the people are because of my job but am not quite sure what their deal is (Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are like that), and feeling immature because I can't help but get way too excited about Zefron and seeing the Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries casts in sparkly outfits with hairdos and whatnot. And when neither of those things are happening I'm just being made uncomfortable by grown-ups trying to play down to kids, which is so awkward, and I don't even think kids like it -- I know I didn't like it when I was a kid. And then there's Katy Perry, who's just the most disgusting thing in the world, mugging for the camera at every turn in little high-school fantasy outfits. In short, it was a nightmare. Here are the noteworthy happenings from two of the weirdest hours of my life.
-- First of all, I have to give the Teen Choice board of directors or whatever their due for eliminating last year's "Favorite Gay Guy" award. (Oh, yes, last year they really had a "Favorite Gay Guy" award.) That sure was a progressive move that I'm sure wasn't at all prompted by the entire internet rightly ripping them to shreds last August.
-- I'd also like to give them their due for not allowing Miley Cyrus to pole dance on an ice cream stand this year. (Oh, yes, last year they really let Miley Cyrus pole dance on an ice cream stand -- with her parents watching in the front row.)
-- David Archuleta was there doing things. Did you know that David Archuleta is still a thing? I did not. Congratulations, David Archuleta, you weird man-baby, for still being alive and well!
-- I'd rather not, but I suppose we have to discuss the Katy Perry thing in some detail. Look, I get and agree that some of her songs are catchy, and I don't think I can say anything about her contradictory I'm-so-sexually-liberated-but-please-please-please-approve-of-me-boys message and how damaging that is for young girls to idolize that everybody else hasn't already said. So let's ignore that part of it and just agree that she is fucking awful at performing goofy characters in Nickelodeon-grade skits while Cory Monteith and Mark Salling stand by reading off lines about how they want to bang her. That was horrifying and it happened every 15 minutes and I wish I could erase it from my life, but, sadly, I can't.
-- Justin Long's "Bieber Fever" bit was the closest thing to something actually funny of the night, though it was of course plagued by that adults trying to speak kids' language problem that made up the whole show. Why do people hate Justin Long? That guy is funny a lot of the time. Anyway.
-- This is to be expected, and I'm not particularly upset about it, but it is pretty funny that Invisalign sponsored an award -- Best Smile -- as if teens are just dying to go out and spend money on having braces.
-- This show even made Ken Jeong annoying, and Ken Jeong is awesome. That is pure evil.
-- Didn't the show seem a little light on Twilight? I mean, considering? The awards distribution to other things like Glee and The Vampire Diaries and random Disney shows was almost... balanced. I don't want to jump the gun here, but I think Twilight's finally starting to go away. This is the start of a new life for us all.
-- Diddy's new outfit is called Dirty Money? Adjust your address book accordingly. In other news, is there anyone in the world more entertaining than Diddy? Shaq, maybe? That's a Shaq Vs. I'd treasure for decades.
Did you watch this weird show? Tell us what you thought of it in the comments, and then check out our scathing red carpet commentary!
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