At this stage in the game, after Tamra Barney's been thoroughly vilified, Kim Zolciak's been mocked to within an inch of her life, Danielle Staub and Kelly Bensimon have been nationally named both crazy and stupid, and Teresa Giudice has been crowned the queen of vapid new money trash, I cannot understand why anyone would agree to participate in a Real Housewives show. It irreversibly turns you into a joke and it reportedly doesn't even pay that great -- there has to be something very wrong with you to want to do this. But here we go again, with five new women desperate enough to be famous that they'd agree to act like this on television.
That's not to say that I don't like it. Don't get me wrong, it's been well-documented that I love the Real Housewives franchise. I think it's enormously entertaining, and as far as I'm concerned, if you're honestly arrogant enough to believe that you're so special that what happened to every single one of those other women won't happen to you, then the world is your funeral, and it's my right to laugh at it. And my god, are these D.C. women that arrogant.
There's the infamous alleged White House crasher Michaele Salahi, the bubbly, dangerously thin party girl who tells strangers she loves them and thinks she's much more connected than she actually is. It is sad. There's Stacie, the boring one who is going to be fired in a couple seasons. It will be sad eventually. Lynda, who owns the "top modeling agency in D.C." which sounded more like a whorehouse after she explained that she caters to ambassadors and elite dignitaries (who need models for what, exactly? I mean, besides overpriced sex). Lynda also hates Michaele but pretends she's concerned about her alleged anorexia. Lynda is the best one so far.
There's also Mary, who tried harder than anyone to gain our approval last night with statements like "Colin Powell lives across the street" and "My dad was very good friends with Lyndon Johnson." She also drinks too much and thinks salons need to integrate if we're ever going to beat racism. She is amazing. It's hard to tell just yet, but she may be this show's Ramona Singer, Sayer of the Hilariously Stupid Bon Mots. Just fabulous.
And lastly, there's Cat, the real star of the show. She's a snobby Brit with a serious name-dropping problem who hates Tyra Banks (we all hate Tyra, yes, but I'm making a point) and Barack Obama but loves George W. Bush. She also does a terrible stereotypical black woman, and she has no qualms about performing it in front of actual black women. I mean, what a mess. She's going to be a lot of fun.
Like every Housewives show, everything's very contrived, and they're all trying too hard to create drama, but it's still somehow so enjoyable. That awkward cooking class with all the Cat word vomit was amazing, as was Mary blatantly begging us to be impressed by her (I'd bet my life savings if I had any that that woman had that fingerprint enabled security system installed on her closet the day before filming began, that's how desperate she is). I'm still steamed (that's right, steamed! I'm from the '40s) that we don't have a Texas Housewives or a mature Palm Beach one, but this will certainly do for now. Well done, craggy famewhores. Well done, indeed.
Discuss your premiere reactions in the comments, then get caught up on some New Jersey recaps!
See what our vloggers Beth & Val had to say about The Real Housewives of D.C. right here:
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