Taylor
Taylor reminds me a lot of Lynn Curtin, and that's not great. She has the most surgically altered appearance out of her entire cast, and her sole storyline in the premiere was that she constantly butchers her body so her asshole husband won't leave her for a 20-year-old. And I bet by the second or third season, he will. Like Lynn, she doesn't seem to have much else to her than clinging to youth and suffering from crippling insecurity. She just made me sad, and that's no fun.

Lisa
I think we can all agree that Lisa is clearly the best one, right? She's a dead ringer for the smut novelist mother from Troop Beverly Hills, her house looks like a Russian madam's, and she's extremely quotable. I mean, there were a lot of them, but when Kim was being standoffish at the Kings game Lisa was just like, "Maybe she went back to Witch Mountain." That makes no sense! But it's awesome! I love her already.

Adrienne
The one married to a plastic surgeon, because of course there's one married to a plastic surgeon. Ehh, she didn't make much of an impression on me, but it seems her money is hers and not her husband's. So, that's cool. Her bickering with that husband of hers is going to get old fast, though, Vicki and Donn-style.

Kim
Kim is the other one who is just kind of sad, and not in a fun way. She actually said the words "I was quite famous" when of course she wasn't. And that whole story about how she was walking out of someplace with her niece, Paris Hilton, and someone called Kim an icon and Paris was really impressed? That was the most desperate story I've ever been told. I hate when they try so hard for our approval. And how she keeps having babies clearly because she needs something to love her so badly? Oof. Watching her segments did not feel good.

Kyle
Kyle is Kim's scrappy, dark-haired sister, and she's a powerful force of drunken inappropriateness. She's great casting, and she's even better when she's with Lisa. For example, Kyle: "Here's to hoping my boob doesn't fall out!" Lisa: "Here's to hoping for the opposite!" Aww, these gals! And luckily, Kyle's also quotable on her own. Don't know if you heard it, but here's a real thing she said in the premiere: "I thought I had a stroke, but really it was my fake eyelashes making one eye smaller than the other." Oh, marry me, Kyle!

Camille
She's probably the greatest gold digger of our time, so I suppose that is pretty impressive, but she has a terrible habit of describing her lifestyle and then really poorly pretending to be embarrassed about it, which is just about the worst trait a rich person can have. No one believes you, Camille. You have four nannies because you think you're entitled to it. You fly commercial sometimes only so people don't give you as much crap about your carbon footprint, but you clearly think you deserve to fly private every time. You have 17 acres because you think you require it. Just be upfront about it -- viewers like a brazenly gauche woman on these shows. And what's with the "sexy dancing" all the time? Sexy dancing by herself in a dark studio. Sexy dancing with a Kings mascot. Sexy dancing in the season previews. Club MTV is over, ya weirdo. Dance like a grown-up or don't dance at all.

Though they were out of line for hating Camille for using a surrogate -- what was that even all about? I hate when Real Housewives confuse me.

So that's the premiere! Kind of slow, but a couple of those girls have promise. Which is good, because they better start brawling big time if the beleaguered sixth (sixth!) Real Housewives franchise is going to stay on my must-watch radar.

Your thoughts on the premiere? Leave them in the comments, then see our list of the craziest D.C. moments so far!

Watch a preview of the second episode of RHOBH here: