Last night, the hotly dreaded Bridalplasty was unleashed unto the world, and, as expected, it was sadder and more disgusting than an Animal Hoarders episode. It's a show in which ladies with destitute self-esteem levels get into their bikini bottoms and let a plastic surgeon point out all the "flaws" that cover 90 percent of their bodies with a marker on television, and E! doesn't even bother to blur their nipples properly. That is how little E! cares for them! I mean really. At least try to conceal your exploitation of these women with some pixelation, for the love of God!
It's hard to pick the saddest thing about this show, but if I were held at syringepoint (thematic!) and told to choose, I'd probably go with the fact that these women aren't at all encouraged to question why they feel the need to do something this drastic to themselves. Their self-esteem problems aren't examined even superficially, and in the cases of girls like Cheyenne, who is already gorgeous, or Lisa Marie, who clearly has major psychological issues, a doctor degrading them with a marker and validating their fears is just effing tragic. Again, I knew that's what I was getting into when I tuned in, but sometimes these shows try to pretend they're something better than they are. Bridalplasty, however, not only knows it's evil, but seems to revel in it.
That is not to say the show didn't have some great entertaining moments, though. (It is a reality show, after all.) That Janessa girl has tremendous bitch potential, and she gives me major "Jan from The Brady Bunch movies" crazy-lady vibes. Love her. Jessica, the one who was so misguidedly offended by Ashley pawning her engagement ring because "I guess she just doesn't value... things," could also be fun later. Biggest Loser girl is obscenely annoying, so it'll be fun to watch the other girls mock her, I guess. And don't even get me started on the hilarity of Shanna Moakler's "concentration face" while judging challenges. She was thinking so hard about whether or not those extremely simple puzzles were put together correctly! Good use of your brain cells, Shanna. Very warranted.
So it makes me want to cry and jump into my television screen to tell these girls that pock mark removal procedures won't make their daddies love them, or whatever, but, as with all trashy reality shows, then somebody pronounces "voluptuous" as "volumptuous" and I laugh my ass off and season pass it immediately. Yes, I am aware that I am the entire problem here. Owning it.
Check out our vlogger Sean Crespo's idea for a spin-off, Fetalplasty, in this video:
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