There are rumors that Lindsay Lohan is going to be on the next season of Dancing With the Stars, and reports denying it, but it definitely seems that the show is looking for stars with a little bit more notoriety after their ratings success with Bristol Palin. Since the program has clearly given up any pretense about being about dancing and is just going for the outrageous, we've compiled a list of washed-up B-listers who are prime for a shot at the tackiest trophy on television.
10. Jessica Simpson
She's not hurting for money, as her "fashion empire" is raking in hundreds of millions of dollars at the moment, but as her cravings for tabloid exposure demonstrate, she really wants to be back in the spotlight. And considering the failures of her last musical efforts (A Public Affair and that awful country record) and VH1 docuseries, dancing the foxtrot to the worst wedding band in history on ABC is probably her most practical route back to fame at the moment.
9. Meghan McCain
If they can't get one of Bristol Palin's family members on this show, they should seek out another political kid and who better than this daughter of John and Cindy McCain? She's notably opinionated and should be able to rally her father's fan base to keep her around even if she doesn't have any dancing ability. It's the American Dream.
8. Emily Osment
Every DWTS season needs a Disney kid, and with Hannah Montana ending and with Miley being the sole breakout star of that show, Emily surely needs something to do that will help promote her music career. Besides, this girl is bound to have the competitive spirit as she tries to get out of not only Miley's shadow but also that of her more famous older brother.
7. Camille Grammer
If you've been watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, you know that Camille has decided that it is her "time to shine." She mostly exhibits this through dancing like a stripper at basketball games and being depressingly insecure and delusional, so why not take that act to DWTS, where forced sexiness and delusion are not only welcomed, they're encouraged? The inevitable backstage rumors of her stealing everyone's husbands and fighting with every female human within a 100-mile radius would be worth it alone.
6. Michael Vick
It seems like the show is going for the more scandal-ridden celebrities to gain attention, so why not this notorious NFL star who ran into trouble with his dog-fighting crimes? He probably wouldn't last long on DWTS, but at least they might find a way to recycle the doghouse they used for Michael Bolton this season.
5. Joan Rivers
To fill the season's quotas for comedians and older ladies, just hire Joan Rivers. Clearly she'll do anything to stay famous, and what better way than gyrating with Corky Ballas on the dance floor? We'll be horrified, but with Joan, that's kind of par for the course. We can already imagine what kinds of comments she'll have about the bedazzled wardrobe.
4. Chaz Bono
Carrie Ann Inaba has said that DWTS should incorporate same-sex couples into the competition next season, and while we agree with that, we'd like to see it taken a step further to a transsexual same-sex couple. Now that Cher's daughter is a man, can a female-to-male pro dancer not be found somewhere? It would be a publicity stunt and social progress!
3. Robyn Brown
The newest addition to the Sister Wives family has entertainment potential for two reasons: first, she cries constantly, no matter what is happening, affording Tom Bergeron many opportunities to mock her hysterics and, more importantly, we'd get many shots of her sister wives seething with jealousy in the audience every week while Kody jitters around in his seat cheering her on, completely oblivious. The public at large needs to hate him with us -- we can't do it all alone.
2. Dennis Rodman
He's a bad boy with a bad rap. He was a mess on Celebrity Apprentice. He was a mess on Celebrity Rehab. Why not let him be a mess on the dance floor? Seems as good a ratings grabber as anyone else. Besides, he might actually be good. After all, he did have a magical way of moving across the basketball court a hundred years ago when he played.
1. Randy Quaid
As we all know, Randy Quaid and his wife Evi have been a little confused lately about the reality of whether or not hit squads targeting celebrities are after them, which have resulted in some... spirited interviews. We'd like to hear more from him, particularly in a live television format. Plus, he'll probably welcome a chance to have three hours every week where hit squads will be afraid of him.
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