Anyway, the worst thing about this, aside from it being a really sad way for two '80s pop stars to get back in the general public's eye (and by that I mean the limited SyFy audience who will sit home on a Saturday night and watch the idiotic franchise of giant-animals-attacking movies... so me, basically) was that they forced the two women to "host" this mess and play up their feud (which, really, who cares), provide facts on what to do if you encounter a normal sized python in the wild, read quotes from Twitter and recap this tremendously difficult-to-comprehend movie for those who might have trouble following it.

On the upside, I did get to see Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees get swallowed up by a giant snake and SPOILER ALERT the movie doesn't end well for either of the ladies so there's a lot of pop icon carnage to be emjoyed. That kind of made the two hours somewhat more palatable. Then again, I did have to witness Mrs. Landingham (Kathryn Joosten) die all over again, but somehow here, I felt she was lucky, since she got out of this movie about half an hour before the end and won't have to be subjected to any possible sequels. Can't say the same for poor A Martinez, another of my '80s addictions (loved me some Santa Barbara after school), who was forced to suffer through acting in this movie.

The sparkling dialogue, peppered with "I think we're alone now" and "out of the blue" references, along with comments about hating malls, was mostly your standard hacky, cheap science-fiction babble. Debbie, er Deborah, Gibson is an environmentalist who released pythons into the Everglades so they could mutate, and does a lot of talking about her love of snakes. You can use your imagination as to where that kind of conversation goes. Tiffany is her rival, a game warden type who protects the alligators and is trying to raise funds for them (hence the appearance of Dolenz), until she realizes that the snakes are killing her beloved gators (and her fiancé, but she honestly seems only momentarily concerned about that). She then she starts pumping the gators full of steroids so they can properly fight back. Naturally, most of this is an excuse for Tiffany and Debbie Gibson to call each other "bitch" a lot and talk about how much they love their respective reptilian creatures. And their battle devolves into a slap-fight, swamp-wrestling, food-fighting battle that includes rubbing whipped cream all over each other. That's before they decide to band together to save the Everglades, and Miami, from certain death when the gigantic, Godzilla-sized creatures reach a nearby nuclear power plant. Yes, really.

I shouldn't complain too much though, because when I wasn't groaning, I was laughing out loud. And the aforementioned special effects. I think if anyone ever wants to kill James Cameron dead, they should probably tie him to a chair and force him to watch this movie. It literally would make his brain explode that this movie was created in a post-Avatar world. So it's not like the technology doesn't exist to make this believable... they were just too cheap to use it.

My very favorite moment, though, came at the end, when there was a dedication ceremony. A Martinez is giving a touching speech on the top of a very lush looking quarry, and they kept panning to stock footage of what looked like someone's college graduation at a highly manicured park setting. I laughed and laughed, and then rewound and watched it again and laughed some more. That, and the fact that there were "deserted" roads with other cars (clearly not from the movie) put in the footage was just a testament to the time and care that was put into the creation of this film. I seriously think the most amazing special effect that happened in the entire thing was that one of Tiffany's boobs didn't pop out of the tiny lacy dress she was wearing while fighting Debbie and/or mega-pythons. (Yeah, there's a porn movie in here somewhere.) The costume team at least pulled their weight here.

Oh, and the songs! I almost forgot about the songs. While neither of the ladies actually busted out singing during the course of the movie, they did contribute songs to the soundtrack. Debbie's "Snake Charmer" sampled that "Streets of Cairo" song and would have kind of been catchy if I hadn't heard Ke$ha's "Take It Off," which shares that same sort of melody, about a hundred times recently. Lyrical sample: "You will rule the Everglades/ No one keeps you in a cage / Will you shed your skin for me?" Tiffany, meanwhile, contributed a dance tune called "Serpentine" that has some hissing put in. Lyrical sample: "What the devil's forgotten / well, it's right on her tongue" Tiffany's actually has a bit of a country twang to it and seems to be about a snake-like female, though it does have a lot of talk about shedding skin and whatnot as well. It's almost like when there were eight songs in Burlesque that were titled "Burlesque." In fact, that was probably the last time I laughed so hard at a movie. So good one, Syfy, living up to the high standards set forth by Burlesque.

Did you watch? Was it everything you hoped for and more?

See what the ladies had to say about this experience here.