After only four episodes of American Idol this season, Steven Tyler has definitely turned out to be a... unique addition to the judging panel. Not only does he hit on girls who are half his age (or even younger), he also spouts some of the most inane babble I've ever heard on this show, or on television in general -- and I watch a lot of shows that make no sense at all. Hell, the women on The Bad Girls Club follow a more logical stream in their rantings. Even Camille Grammer's convoluted logic makes more sense. Here's a rundown of the things Steven said this week that still have me scratching my head:
"Breathe a little breath of fresh air. Slap that baby on the ass and call me Christmas." -- This was in regards to the never-ending Idol quest of finding the whole package. What exactly does Christmas have to do with this?
"Well hellfire, save matches. Fuck a duck and see what hatches." -- A compliment... in his brain at least.
"I found you to be disturbingly great. Weird, compelling, great."-- Another compliment. Of course.
"You've got a beautiful little tight squeaky voice. Do you ever grow it out a little harder than that?" -- I think he was trying to ask this girl if she could belt, but it came out really dirty. I think I need a shower now.
"You look like you could be one of my... nope, can't say it... one of my 'friends'." -- He was sort of asking a girl if she was one of his groupies, or a fuck buddy, and thereby ended up hitting on yet another contestant. Does he realize this isn't The Bachelor?
"Don't tell people they're not good." -- His advice to Randy, who has been doing this show for a decade. Clearly he misunderstands the entire point of this audition stage. Or judging in general.
"I loved your voice. I thought it had a lot of character and all of that muster and smoke and heat. Down there... a zoobie doobie [screech]. It would have been the place... I liked you a lot." -- Another compliment of sorts that came out sounding really perverted.
"Are those Tevas?" - When he was flummoxed about a contestant's footwear. Did he want a pair? What exactly was the point here?
"None of the wuzzums." -- Randy said that a contestant had all of the "isms" they were looking for (which, in Randy's defense, made sense in the context of the show) and Steven replied with this. Wuzzums.
"I don't think I've ever heard anybody squeeze the flavor out of that song. You squeezed it out so slow it was like Vanilla Fudge and 'Eleanor Rigby.' I liked it, I'm not sure it is American Idol, but I liked it." -- Seemingly explaining why he enjoyed a particular rendition of "Stand By Me".
"I'm color-blind, but unless you borrowed my lipstick, is that your real lips?" -- I'm almost feeling badly for calling Paula incoherent all of the time. Almost.
"See, I think you should cry, because you're going to make 40 million people cry." -- This might seem sane, but he's got Donald Trump-style delusions about how many people actually watch this show.
"What was his name? Where are we?" -- His response to hearing someone actually talented. His inability to know where he is, kind of explains a lot, actually.
And these tidbits aren't even taking into account a lot of the random grunts and screams that came out of his mouth. Where does he come up with this nonsense?
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