The FactZone on ONN is presented by head news anchor Brooke Alvarez, who boasts "more stalkers than any other major network on-screen personality." She's not afraid to bring Americans the truth, all while incorporating snide remarks about how amazing she is and how bad the other reporters look in comparison to her. I have a feeling she would get along very well with Colbert's character. The first big news story of the night involves a 16-year-old attractive white girl from Detroit charged with murdering her classmate with a screwdriver. The judge has recently decided that she will be tried as a black male adult in her case, to which her parents are extremely distraught over, and wish she was at most to be tried as a black celebrity or a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady. Politically correct? There's no room for that in the FactZone.

Another breaking news story involves North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, who has agreed to hand over his nuclear weapons in exchange for the lead role in the next Batman movie. Several first responders on a panel debate whether or not the U.S. government should sign the deal, with concern to how good of an actor Kim Jong Il would be and if he has the right body shape for the role. If he succeeds in convincing the U.S., then part of the deal would include Christian Bale taking over duties as leader of North Korea for the time being, to which a responder says, "he is hot, but those people have suffered enough!" Alvarez continues to emphasize the important of appearance over safety with the next news story about beautiful ONN field reporter Susan Merriweather, who has been captured by Al Queda terrorists in Afghanistan and not allowed her hair and makeup team. While their colleague is tied up, blindfolded and has a knife to her neck, Alvarez and touchscreen correspondent Tucker Hope can only notice how terrible her hair looks. Thankfully though, the kidnapped reporter has her hair and makeup team air-lifted in, so she looks significantly better when she's being knocked out with a rifle by the terrorists.

Other news reports on ONN include the recent bill passed in California that forces all registered sex offenders to wear lightly-tinted sunglasses and cut-off shorts, another time-traveling soldier arrested for trying to bring an end to Suri Cruise's existence, a "This Day in History" about the invention of the hand job, and "The Cressbeckler Stance" presented by an old guy who seems like a cross between Andy Rooney and Yosemite Sam. Clearly, the Onion News Network is the first place to go for all of America's pressing news stories. And if anything else, it's probably more factual than Fox News. As Alvarez says, "Onion News Network is always with you, even when you think you're alone."

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