There's a devastating rumor going around that Camille Grammer, the break-out star of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, doesn't care for how she's been portrayed on the show (odd, because I'm very happy with the way she's been portrayed on the show), and has decided not to return next season. Hope there's no truth to it, but if she does end up leaving the show, how will our new favorite wealthy monsters carry on next season without her to quibble with? Why, with one of these people, we hope. Read on for our dream Camille Grammer replacements for RHBH Season 2.
10. Kelly Preston
Ideally, we'd get a Camille replacement who's also a fairly well-known wife of a famous actor. I mean, just to keep the equation static. I bet Kelly Preston is not only disturbingly fascinating, but as a long-time Hollywood Wife, she's probably also full of dirt on everybody. Jackie Collins herself couldn't have written that girl's life better. I need to see her take on an ill-advised reality television gig now.
9. Scott Disick
Sure, he's not a lady. And sure, he and Kourtney Kardashian technically don't live in Beverly Hills. But some of Housewives's most entertaining cast members have been dudes (think Simon van Kempen and Tareq Salahi, but with better hair and a slightly lower creep factor), and Disick would move just about anywhere for money and the chance to have a camera pointed at him. He's the Simon of a new generation.
8. Dina Lohan
Her last reality outing was a disaster, but that was mostly because she was trying to use it as some sort of ruse to repair her image, and nobody wants to watch Dina Lohan purporting to be a saint with no one but the internet to call her on it. If Bravo were able to convince her to just embrace her awfulness and crazy out on everybody on this show, I think she'd do it for a price. Probably a bargain-basement price, too, especially if they agreed to let Ali hum her new single while dogsitting Giggy in a scene or two.
7. Oksana Grigorieva
You know how Jill Zarin is always putting people on speakerphone without telling them that the person they most love to talk trash about is sitting right next to her? Yeah. She's got nothing on Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana. That girl would be running an entire Real Housewives NSA operation on everyone, and oversights like no one recording Kyle allegedly telling Camille that she's worthless without Kelsey would never, ever happen again.
6. Kathy Hilton
At the risk of turning this show's dynamic into one similar to the Real Housewives of New Jersey's (where everyone is family except Danielle and it's monotonous as hell), I actually think inviting Kim and Kyle's half-sister Kathy onto the show could be hilarious. It might finally draw the last hidden wells of desperation out of Kim ("Remember when the paparazzi were more interested in me than Paris?? Remember that??? REMEMBER???"), and even if it doesn't, you don't raise someone like Paris Hilton without having something wrong with you. She's probably got loads of secret entertainment value tucked away in one of her guesthouses somewhere.
5. Denise Richards
Denise Richards fell into the same trap Dina Lohan did with her reality show a few years back, but remember that episode where Denise bitched out that tabloid editor for some reason or another? It was obviously staged and not nearly as compelling a moment as E! hoped it would be, but still -- I saw very real and beautiful bitchiness lurking within Denise Richards in that scene. If she'd agree to let go of this sweet single mom thing she was trying to do before and put on a character worth watching, she could be a legendary Housewife.
4. Candy Spelling
Candy Spelling was one of the originally rumored castmembers of this show, and though nobody knows why she was never actually cast, whatever the reason, it can't outweigh how hilarious this woman would be. She's got an entire room in her compound devoted to wrapping presents and she can regale us with tales of T.J. Hooker and behind the scenes Melrose catfights that even hour-long E! specials don't know about. How is she not a Real Housewife?
3. Lynn Patridge
But only if she agrees to do the entire season drunk. Audrina Patridge's mother is at her best after she's had a few (dozen), which shouldn't be a problem -- it's not like spending an entire Real Housewives season under the influence hasn't been done before. And if she begins to feel about any of the other castmembers the way she does about Lauren Conrad's fashion line, we're in for a real show.
2. Victoria Beckham
Make all the jokes you want about how skinny and frivolous and essentially unemployed Victoria Beckham is, but have you ever seen her interact with people? She's actually capable of being really funny, and the idea of her allying herself with Lisa Vanderpump and trading British bon mots regarding life in the States is almost... charming. Seems wrong for a Real Housewives franchise, but it also feels so right.
1. Allison Dubois
Quite possibly the most combative, amusingly intoxicated person ever to appear on any Real Housewives series, the real-life inspiration for Medium and her sidekick Electronic Cigarette cannot leave this show with Camille. They just can't. We won't stand for it. Bring her back as a regular so we can watch her psych everyone into a fury every single week, and trust us -- we'll forget Camille ever existed.
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