Now on to the main attraction, the big Black Eyed Peas halftime show. I know that neither team had cheerleaders, but could we not go back to having cheerleaders perform? Or get the teams to dress up "Thriller"-style like Glee? That's got to be better than having random bands that either half of the audience is unaware of or couldn't care less about. For now, we were stuck with these things, and the Black Eyed Peas, who promised the biggest show ever. If by "biggest" they meant the one with the most wasted technology... then it probably was.

The foursome was lowered down on to the stage in futuristic costumes of sorts (black leather and lots of silver studs). They begin "singing" "I Got a Feeling" in front of a flash mob wearing white jumpsuits. Best part of this opening? You could barely hear Fergie's portion. Thank you, technical difficulties. Once they were done performing a snippet of that song, they moved on to "Boom Boom Pow," and the jump-suited folks turned some magical dial on their chests and lit up like Tron, with green LED ropes affixed around their bodies. They formed green arrows pointing towards the stage... in case we didn't know where we were supposed to look. And the Pea who isn't will.i.am (Taboo! Thanks, Wikipedia), had his black leather suit light up with little blinking shapes as well.

Then they ruined "Sweet Child O' Mine" and Axl Rose and I sat and cried out in horror as Fergie screeched out his tune while Slash played guitar. I'm presuming that Axl at least gets some sort of royalties from it; I get squat for my suffering. It was really just so awful. Sheryl Crow did it better, and I abhor the Sheryl Crow version. Oh, and I forgot to mention that while Fergie was brutalizing this rock song, her giant, silver-encrusted breast plate started blinking like a strobe light.

After that nightmare, they moved on to their "own" song, such as it is, "Pump It," and there was a marching band with a drumline... so that actually seemed sort of Super Bowl-esque for about 45 seconds. But that was not to last as they moved on to "Let's Get It Started" and the four of them just stood around vaguely hopping up and down for a while. And this was the first time that I notice that will.i.am is wearing some sort of metal helmet. Why? Who thought this was a good idea?

Then Usher came out for a while, for no discernible reason, and he lip-synced to "OMG" while wearing a white spacesuit and doing his patented dance moves. He also leapt over will.i.am and landed in a split, which was perhaps the only truly notable moment of his appearance. Then he took off (back to space, perhaps) and the Peas started performing "Where Is the Love" and their stage turned into a giant red "Love", except that half of the V didn't work. So many tech troubles. And then, randomly, they did their mangled version of "Time of My Life" with dancers wearing white container store boxes on top of their heads. If you can figure out what the purpose of this was, please let me know, because I've been scratching my head trying to figure out the significance. Then they went back to "I Got a Feeling," because apparently they were tapped out of songs that didn't involve Fergie's lovely lady lumps, and there were even more choreographed dancers in light-up Tron costumes running around. Then the show culminated with a big screen that informed us that the Black Eyed Peas just performed and advertised their latest album.

And then it was over. And I cheered because I didn't have to suffer through any more of my favorite songs being mangled (seriously, did they have to do that to the Dirty Dancing theme?) and went back to waiting for Glee to start and dreading the horror that will be unleashed next year.