Tom Cruise
Tiger Blood: 6.5. No couch -- or libelous media outlet -- is safe from this cat's claws.
Adonis DNA: 5.9. Cruise doesn't seem to age as mortals do.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 7.2. Don't dare be glib around the Cruise, nor properly research your topic of discussion.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 6.1. Although it did so-so in the States, the lackluster Knight & Day did big box office overseas.
"Bitchin' Life": 9.0. Supposedly has an alien living inside him.
"Winning" Score: 6.94

Simon Cowell
Tiger Blood: 4.9. He will eviscerate your singing, but he will remain sitting down while doing it.
Adonis DNA: 4.2. Still rocking the V-neck T-shirts at 51.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 8.7. After one of his critiques, you will consider ending it all.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 9.4. Has become a zillionaire by criticizing talentless people.
"Bitchin' Life": 2.0. Has admitted to using Botox.
"Winning" Score: 5.84

Jason Statham
Tiger Blood: 9.2. Fights like a tiger, drives like a tiger with a trunk full of illegal fireworks.
Adonis DNA: 5.3. Former model, still ruggedly handsome, dates supermodels, has believable love scenes with supermodels.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 2.2. A man of few words, Statham would rather use his fire-breathing fists.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 3.4. Not even Statham could get people to see an Uwe Boll film.
"Bitchin' Life": 3.6. Enjoys watching mixed-martial arts matches.
"Winning" Score: 4.74

Justin Bieber
Tiger Blood: 1.7. Watching Bieber act ferocious is adorable.
Adonis DNA: 7.3. Can make tween-age girls fall in love with him at the drop of a hat.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 6.9. His song lyrics aren't Shakespeare, but they certainly get the job done.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 8.2. Started on YouTube; currently the star of one of the top-grossing documentaries of all time.
"Bitchin' Life": 1.0. Christian. Has his own line of nail varnishes.
"Winning" Score: 5.02

Mel Gibson
Tiger Blood: 8.7. Old, drunk tigers are the most ferocious of all.
Adonis DNA: 1.3. The last 30 years have not been kind to Martin Riggs.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 7.8. If only words could defeat handcuffs.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 3.3. His big comeback in Edge of Darkness was a massive failure.
"Bitchin' Life": 9.0. Drinks. Drives. Threatens to bury girlfriend under rose bush.
"Winning" Score: 6.02

Robert Pattinson
Tiger Blood: 3.2. His hair is the most ferocious thing about him.
Adonis DNA: 6.4. Our grandmoms and little sisters seem to like his look.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 2.2. Defeats more people with his eyes.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 5.1. Not even R-Pattz could get people to see Remember Me.
"Bitchin' Life": 4.0. Was rumored to have a drinking problem, but never confirmed.
"Winning" Score: 4.18

Rob Lowe
Tiger Blood: 5.2. Will fight frivolous lawsuits tooth and nail, and leave a hit TV show on a whim.
Adonis DNA: 4.4. Has aged much better than Charlie Sheen.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 6.3. It helps when you speak really fast, and your words are penned by Aaron Sorkin.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 3.9. The Lyon's Den and Dr. Vegas would beg to differ.
"Bitchin' Life": 9.0. Near-constant infidelity, accusations of nanny impropriety and at least one sex tape with an underage girl.
"Winning" Score: 5.76

Ronnie from Jersey Shore
Tiger Blood: 8.2. Post-break-up, will trash a bedroom within an inch of its life.
Adonis DNA: 5.6. A fine specimen of the gorilla-juicehead variety.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 0.0. Says nothing, unless goaded into being verbally abusive.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 4.9. Is currently one of the highest-paid T-shirt store employees in America.
"Bitchin' Life": 7.0. Once punched a guy in the back of the head. May yet do time.
"Winning" Score: 5.14

Chelsea Handler
Tiger Blood: 3.7. Willing to take on any hot-button topic... with her laid-back comedy stylings.
Adonis DNA: 4.1. Bears a passing resemblance to Elizabeth Banks. Still enough to earn her a Playboy spread.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 6.9. Has two #1 books, and the perfect comeback, usually filthy, to any statement.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 7.1. Turned a talk show with a little person into a media empire.
"Bitchin' Life": 5.5. Has one DUI, briefly dated 50 Cent.
"Winning" Score: 5.46

John Stamos
Tiger Blood: 2.0. Has lost all remaining ferocity since splitting with Rebecca Romijn.
Adonis DNA: 7.3. For three episodes, was sexiest character on Glee.
Ability to Defeat Earthworms With Words: 7.2. For three episodes, was one of the best singers on Glee.
Ability to Convert Tin Cans Into Gold: 8.4. Still receiving royalties from Full House.
"Bitchin' Life": 1.4. Was roastmaster for Bob Saget.
"Winning" Score: 5.26

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