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The Telefile
<I>Hellcats</I>: Did Zombies Make This Show Better?

The short answer to that question is yes. Zombies make everything better. But unfortunately this week's episode of Hellcats was only good during the course of the zombie movie, and the rest of it was an awkward disaster. It's a secret shame of mine that I've been watching this show since the beginning, but n my defense, it's an awful trainwreck that I just can't take my eyes off of. The show's about a cheerleading law student who gets people out of jail and gets laws overturned, but who loves wearing half-shirts and appears to spend the majority of her time in a bar obsessing over boys instead of studying. In other words, it's mesmerizingly absurd and I was hoping that the addition of zombies would push the preposterousness into full-on guilty pleasure mode. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

Let's start with the zombies. It seemed that Dan decided that he's going to be a filmmaker and has applied to the film school at Lancer (which really does offer a wide variety of areas of study, it seems). Apparently, Lancer's film school is extremely difficult to get into, so aspiring students have to submit a short film and then have them screened for a panel and their family and friends. While Dan's snooty colleagues were discussing esteemed cinematographers, he got the brilliant idea to make a zombie movie called Feartown starring the cheerleaders of Lancer. And it was incredible, mostly because Marti got her guts ripped out by zombified spirit fingers. And while I've seen a lot of films about the undead, I've never seen a group of people do a choreographed cheer routine to fend them off. At one point, they even tossed a cheerleader into the mass of zombies to keep them away. The sequence was so good that I wish the entire episode was about zombies, or that Dan at least makes a sequel. Or that Ashley Tisdale stars in a real zombie movie because she looks so fantastic with weapons. (Perhaps that can be the next Sharpay movie.) But best of all, zombie Marti also got decapitated. It was basically my Aly Michalka-hating dream come true.

Unsurprisingly, Dan's film received rave reviews (even though he was hesitant about submitting it and Savannah had to predictably sneak it in without his knowledge) and he lived happily ever after. And if that were the entirety of the episode, I would have been fine with it -- it was the least insufferable Dan's been for the entire season. But then they had to cram in this horrible subplot about Marti trying to connect with her presumed dead father. It turned out that he was alive, or at least wasn't dead when her mom said he was, and she found out because he used to perform at some record store (a obsolete type of retail establishment that still exists in this show's alternate universe). At the record store, Marti met Diedre (played by Aly's real life sister AJ), who handed her a clue to her father's past. But while they didn't say it in this episode, Diedre's clearly her long lost half sister, because this show is so damned obvious that it's impossible that it will go in any other direction.

But the absolute worst thing -- aside from Marti and her mom having some emotional heart-to-heart about her drug addict dad -- was that Marti decided to sing the awful repetitive song that her father wrote when she was born. I really hate that one of this show's primary locations is a bar with a stage where Marti has the opportunity to sing whenever she wants. And it was particularly painful this time because Marti was accompanied by strings in an attempt to make the tune sound... fancier? I guess? In any case, my ears were bleeding. Maybe this could inspire the plot of Dan's next short film.

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