It's network upfronts week, and what a wonderful time to be alive! All the promise of new shows with great casts and expertly cut trailers, plus all the fun of prematurely mocking shows with dumb plots and even worse CGI (seriously, Once Upon a Time? What is even happening there, ABC?). But what's even better is that we can thank the TV gods for the rare moments when networks get it right and decide to pass on awful-sounding pilots. As with every year, many possible disasters were rejected this season, but these are the ones we're happiest about. (Assuming they don't get "saved" by another network or come back to haunt us next summer, of course.)
Wonder Woman (NBC)
After being horrified by the shiny stripper costume, cringing at Adrianne Palicki's "badass" running face and hearing reports of the script's very David E. Kelly dialogue about uncomfortable bras and such, I'm glad we've been spared a full season of this mess. Yes, it looked like something we would've enjoyed making fun of for, like, two episodes, but so did The Event, and that game got very old about eight episodes in (with 14 more to go), let me tell you.
The Untitled Rob Schneider Project (CBS)
Inspired by Rob Schneider's real life, this sitcom was going to be about how Ay Carumba! it is to marry into a Mexican-American family. It was going to be Outsourced, but about Mexicans and with Rob Schneider, essentially, and after seeing six seasons of promos for The George Lopez show, I think I'm good on how fiery those Latinos can be, thanks.
Lost and Found (ABC)
I have nothing but good will towards Jordana Spiro, but this sitcom about a "hard-partying" NYC woman who is confronted by the "conservative" 18-year-old son she gave up for adoption as a teen gave me unpleasant Life Unexpected flashbacks. And the idea of some Young Republican snarking at a drunk thirtysomething for an entire series sounds pretty grating, not to mention unnecessary -- why not party all the time? That's the whole blessed point of being childless.
The Awakening (The CW)
You probably remember this one from the way everyone rolled their eyes at it when it was announced: Two sisters come of age during a zombie apocalypse and ultimately face off in some great War of the Living. On The CW. Just superfluous zombie bandwagoning here, and as the split reception on The Walking Dead demonstrates, zombies are pretty difficult to keep compelling long-term even on an "adult" network like AMC. The CW would likely just have relied on gore and half-naked girls in lieu of character development, and as fun as that sounds, it's just not sustainable or worthwhile over time.
Perfectly likable cast (Ryan Hansen, the underrated Collette Wolfe), but this was to be a multi-camera sitcom that followed a group of couples navigating love and life in the big city. You know, because after about a dozen series identical to this one failed last season, we really need another one of those.
Nobody loves Annie Wersching more than I do, but this police procedural about two partners hiding the "secret" that they're actually -- gasp! -- half-sisters doesn't exactly build up to much of a scintillating reveal, does it? Not to mention that we need more cop procedurals like a hole in the head and the fact that ABC really needs to move away from their "mom-targeted" programming if they want to stop lagging in third place. Just a bad idea all around, this pass is good news for both viewers and the network.
Heavenly (The CW)
A plucky female lawyer and a former angel (from heaven, not Charlie) team up to undertake cases at a legal aid firm. Simply put: She saves their lives; he saves their souls! What is this, Touched By an Angel meets Drop Dead Diva meets a trashcan? What a corny travesty this would have been.
Bad Mom (ABC)
Starring Jenna Elfman as a -- wait, it stars Jenna Elfman? That's all I needed to hear to hate it.
A Mann's World (NBC)
Imagine, Don Johnson playing a "sexy" straight hairdresser in Beverly Hills, struggling to stay young and hot in a superficial world. Surreal comedy, right? Nope, this was going to be a drama, people. The horror.
Your thoughts? Leave them in the comments!
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