Happy Friday, everybody! Time to discuss this week's horrible human beings. Will it be one of those idiots on The Bachelorette? One of those trashcans from the Real Housewives franchises? A bitchy aspiring Food Network star? Let's get in there and figure this out!
Penny, The Next Food Network Star
In just the premiere episode, Penny tirelessly terrorized a fellow contestant (Alicia) seemingly for no reason, insulted elderly people, and nearly sprained my eyeballs' rolling mechanisms with all her non-stop talk about how devastatingly sexy she is. It's going to be a long season with this woman.
Bentley, The Bachelorette
He was horrible last week, but this week he topped himself, pretending to love Ashley to her face while smirking to the audience in talking heads that he thinks she's disgusting and feels sorry for her ugly non-Emily face before quitting the show for good. Pretty mean, and considering he allegedly came on the show to promote his business and yet I still have no idea what it is, he was egregiously heinous while having nothing to show for it. That's heinous inefficiency.
Joe and Melissa, The Real Housewives of New Jersey
It might just be me, but I don't think simulating sex acts atop a mechanical bull in front of your extended family is appropriate for Thanksgiving. First of all, you've eaten your weight in poultry, wine and mashed starches, and might start projectile vomiting on your relatives. Secondly, Thanksgiving makes you sleepy, and I've seen people pass out on mechanical bulls before (spring break is a terrible thing), and let me tell you, it is dangerous. Thirdly, it's disgusting. And heinous. Stop being so disgusting and heinous, you two.
William, The Bachelorette
Not only did he make a fool out of himself by taking the Ashley roast a smidge too seriously, telling ruthlessly cruel "jokes" about her small boobs and his deep disappointment in her not being Emily or Chantal, but he did this because he seriously thought this was a job opportunity for him. Like, yeah, Jeffrey Ross is really going to be so impressed by you making the Bachelorette cry on a group date that he's going to hire you to roast celebrities with him from now on. William's as heinous as he is pitifully delusional, and I can't believe that idiot Ashley took him back. (OK, I can believe it, but that's beside the point.)
Tamra, The Real Housewives of Orange County
Tamra gets points for attending a party this week and managing not to mention Vicki's anal bleeding for once, but she also had the poor timing of serving Jeana with a cease and desist letter in the middle of Vicki's divorce soiree, then falsely accused Jeana of pushing her, then threw a drink on Jeana, causing a mass drink-spilling chain reaction. Dresses were dampened. Wigs were threatened. It was a truly heinous sight.
This might seem crazy, but I'm going with William. Bentley was opportunistic, sociopathic and cruel, but at least he didn't literally laugh in Ashley's face while doing so. Those extra idiot points give him the winning edge.
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