Ramona, Alex and Simon, The Real Housewives of New York
After Tamra's nudie bathtub incident on RHOC this season and Ramona's lingerie foot rub and Alex and Simon's horrifying oysters and half-naked fashion show last night, why do these shows keep making us watch these people's foreplay? It's very upsetting.

Allison, The World According to Paris
I know no one else is watching this show -- and honestly, I envy you people -- but Paris has this friend named Allison who is a "tough New Yorker," which I guess was exhibited this week when she got drunk and started screaming at Paris's poor assistant for no reason (well, camera time was the reason, but, you know), telling her to shut up, condescendingly calling her a "little girl" and further demeaning her by ordering her around like the help. And did Paris defend the kid? Nope, she just sat back and giggled while the girl cried and tried to apologize for nothing. Rich people suck.

Evelyn, Basketball Wives
I usually like Evelyn, but she threw a drink at my beloved Royce this week, which is not only Royce abuse, but booze and overpriced dress abuse as well. That is unforgivable.

Nick, Platinum Hit
After Nick's "I don't work at Goodyear, and I don't care about wheels!!!" freak-out incident this week, I'm officially fed up with his painfully transparent efforts to be the season's villain. Nick, you are disingenuous and I will not stand for it.

Slade, The Real Housewives of Orange County
He isn't wrong about Tamra being a bitch who is way too invested in his personal matters. But that doesn't mean she doesn't have a point. Take a break from publicly calling the mother of your children a liar and get a damn job, you bum.

Winner:
All of those frighteningly sexed-up Housewives, but particularly Simon, for apologizing to the raw oyster he was about to eat by saying, "You're dying for a good cause -- sex with Alex is fantastic." And now he owes me a new computer. Because I just barfed on mine.

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