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<I>Bachelor Pad</I>: Our Hearts Really Don’t Need to Be Guarded and Protected

The season premiere of Bachelor Pad revolved less around the house's potential hookups and mostly around the love/hate triangle of Jake, Vienna and Kasey. Is this going to be how the entire summer plays out? If so, I'm dreading it. I was actually hoping that Kasey would be eliminated and that Rated R would stick around. Yes, Rated R was the wrestler jerk who was dating multiple girls and got chased around bushes by Ali on The Bachelorette, but he was pretty amusing last night as he introduced himself to his partner while they were tangled up together, and when he compared Kasey and Vienna's relationship to Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy and even when he grabbed the rose off of Jake's chest on his way out the door.

For those of you who opted to spend three hours doing something else with your time, here's the deal on the troublesome threesome that has overtaken this tacky show where Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects go to have sex and win cash (mostly win cash): Jake dated Vienna on The Bachelor and proposed to her. They broke up very publicly because he likes to yell and threaten and she likes to sell her breakup stories to tabloids for profit. They split up in an awful televised showdown where he was belligerent and she just cried. She apparently dated "I'm not here for the right reasons" Wes (though Wes was dating Gia at the time, which is why Gia currently hates Vienna's guts) but has subsequently moved on and is now dating Kasey (the guy who wanted to guard and protect Ali's heart so much that he got a tattoo on his wrist to prove it). Also, Princess Erica claims that Vienna doesn't even have an apartment and that she just moves from one reality reject to another. In Erica's words: "She's been around the Bachelor block." Class-y.

Vienna was the first one to get to the Bachelor Pad pad and basically whined about how she was terrified to be around Jake, suggesting for dramatic effect that some sort of abuse had happened. She was so relieved to see Kasey (who does have a Muppet voice -- Rated R nailed that one) but then Jake showed up and "ruined" her party. Jake claims to be there to get "closure" with Vienna, which basically translates in Bachelor speak to "I don't want everyone to think I'm an abusive asshole, so I'm going to make nice with my horrifying famewhore of an ex-fiancée." So as he walked into the house, he greeted everyone in a ham-fisted sort of way and then when he got to Kasey, he was like, "Kasey! I know who you are! Terrific!" You know: completely genuine. And then they all awkwardly talked about the weather for an insanely long time.

This storyline could have been dropped at this point, but no. Instead we had to sit through a challenge (where men were lifted 10 feet above a mattress and girls had to hang off them) that came down to the teams of Kasey/Vienna and Jake/Jackie (totally not scripted at all). Jake and Jackie won, causing Kasey and Vienna to storm off to the hot tub in a snit. Then the "happy" couple started nitpicking at each other, making me want to vomit as Vienna kept saying that Kasey promised to protect her and that he failed as a boyfriend -- because she may get eliminated from a reality show. (Vienna, have you met Rachel from Big Brother? I think you two might be soulmates.) And they were both miserable because their entire game strategy was ruined. It's like a day into the series and Kasey was basically ready to pack up and go, whining all the way out the door.

But the really annoying part (yes, there's more) was when Jake "poured his heart out" to Jackie about how hurt he was by famewhore Vienna selling him out, and Jackie suggested that he give their extra rose (which guaranteed another few days in the house) to Vienna so that they could have time to work out their issues. Jackie may be the secret devil, because once Jake got this notion in his head he was stuck on it... even though everyone told him it was a bad idea.

So he gave Vienna the rose and then asked to speak to her and Kasey (as he's the man she's currently in love with... I cannot take a summer of this nauseating talk) and then he apologized for his actions. Vienna sat like a statue, while Kasey was kind of his normal blank self as he awaited instructions from Vienna on how he should act. Then, in the grossest turn of events, we had to see Vienna strip down naked (thank God for the black bars) and crawl into bed with Kasey. She interviewed that Jake is a moron and that she has to find a way to keep Kasey safe because she can't be in this house with Jake since she's afraid of him. I'm not saying Jake is a nice guy, but he gave you a rose as some sort of phony gesture, so I don't think he's going to attack while cameras are rolling.

Kasey came up with a plan to keep himself safe, which involved teaming up with Gia (in this ridiculous game, the guys get voted out by girls and vice versa), but the second they started talking, Vienna came over -- because god forbid her boyfriend talk to anyone of the female persuasion without her around. Kasey actually guarded and protected his own ass, and she was sabotaging it, but whatever. They ended up safe and all lovey and awful, while she promised to get Jake out at her next opportunity. And then idiot Jake just stood around with his smug smile, thinking that he had actually made some headway with Vienna. Yeah, it's a wonder why those two kids didn't work out.

Meanwhile, believe it or not, there are other people on this show: Ames is maybe going to hook up with Jackie and there's a chance that Will might make another girl cry. Holly and Michael were engaged, but are split up yet teamed up together again. Princess Erica is wearing an actual tiara. What I'm saying is that there are some interesting personalities that are being ignored for this all-encompassing love triangle, but I've got a feeling that the producers will find a way to milk this for all the drama as long as possible, and it'll be idiots like me who keep watching this show who will really suffer. And I actually thought this season might be more entertaining than Love in the Wild, but I may have been sadly mistaken.

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