There are so many options this week that our trashy reality TV cups have runneth over. Dance Moms' Cathy and her Candy Apples may be up for a permanent place in our Hall of Shame (copying music from a little kid just makes you look like a stone-cold bitch), while the Toddlers & Tiaras mom who carried around a life-like doll and pretended it was real was beyond crazy (though at least she didn't dress her kid in a Pretty Woman prostitot outfit). But we'll leave those stage mom weirdos off our list for this week, because there are far bigger fish to fry -- or, rather, skewer.
Juicy Joe & Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey)
While these two morons (who pack healthy snacks like sausage and wine for a 5K run) were busy screaming at her brother Joe for various reasons, they ignored the fact that their daughters are a mess. First there's Milania, who throws fashion-induced tantrums (which Teresa gives into), and then there's Gia, who hijacked her sister's birthday party to sing the most depressing song on the planet about how she wished her mother and uncle would get along again. Prepare for major therapy bills, folks.
Holly (Bachelor Pad)
She got engaged to Blake while the cameras were rolling, so she's clearly in a phony relationship now. But then she didn't even have the decency to tell her ex (and current competition partner) Michael while they were hanging out backstage and instead let the poor guy get blindsided on national television. She should thank her lucky stars that Michael isn't vindictive, because if he had screwed her out of half of the prize, we wouldn't have blamed him one bit.
Oliver (Project Runway)
First he claimed that he didn't want to work with fat people, in the most disgusted tone possible. Then he said that he didn't like boobs, and only liked it when models were flat and painfully thin. If that wasn't enough, he claimed that he hated "having to deal with stupid little things." Those stupid little things? Making clothing that actually fit his customer without giving her a wedgie. He spent the entire episode railing against the concept of dealing with clients (which might be a problem post-show) and then, to make matters even worse, he continued sewing after time was up and forced the adorable Tim Gunn to raise his voice. Causing Tim to lose his cool? That's unforgiveable.
Debra (Teen Mom)
Farrah's not the easiest girl to get along with (though compared to Teen Mom 2's Jenelle, she's a piece of cake), but still, Debra is so overbearing that even we want to rebel against her sometimes. This week, she seemed to give sound advice about thinking things through and not just up and moving without a plan, but then she whined like a child about how she'll miss her granddaughter. She even had the nerve to demand that Farrah leave her toddler with her for months at a time while she moved across the country. Who asks a mom to leave their kid behind? Even the family counselor looked appalled.
Deena & Snooki (Jersey Shore)
We couldn't just pick one of the meatballs, since they came as a pair. On a trip to a beautiful Italian beach, the ladies embarrassed themselves by getting wasted -- during the day -- and horrifying locals with tales of their vaginas. Speaking of which, later that night at the club (when they finally got there, after running into bushes and being too drunk to make it to dinner on time), Deena forgot to wear underwear and repeatedly showed off her "cuca" to everyone despite repeated attempts by her fellow roommates to get her to stop. Then the duo started rolling around on the ground and making out (moderately better than their accidental hair-pulling incident last week) and refused to stop sticking their tongues down each other's throats for "hours."
Winner: Team Meatball
Deena and Snooki and their vagina monologues are the clear winner/losers here. Not only did they embarrass themselves, but our entire nation as well. Also, Snooki had to explain things to her boyfriend (which was awkward, to say the least) and then not-drunkenly smashed her automobile (with a distracting Deena in tow) into an Italian cop car, forcing a policeman to be taken to the hospital. These two are an actual menace to international society.
This fall's Dancing With the Stars is so chock full of dark undertones, it almost doesn't need Chaz Bono and Nancy Grace. But our vloggers are glad they're on board anyway:
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