Most Staged Conversation
Let's get this one out of the way: The "show of support" for Taylor, which featured all of the other women and their significant others sitting around talking about their feelings about Russell's untimely death, was cringeworthy to say the least. Seeing how they all reacted was a fine idea, but the tears seemed quite forced or at least rehashed for the cameras. And the conversation about Russell's financial situation and why someone might commit suicide would have been better with a licensed therapist in the room (though we're sure Ken would have objected to that).

Worst Toast Ever
Adrienne decided to give a toast to welcome all the girls back into the new season and her home, and the minute she started, her husband Paul began nitpicking, airing some of their dirty laundry and having a spiteful passive aggressive fight in front of tall their guests. Cheers to a bitter divorce, everyone!

Most Inappropriate Dinner Conversation
The relative merits of therapy are something that have long been discussed, but maybe when a woman who is clearly struggling to keep her family together tries to sound positive about going through psychotherapy with her husband, you don't want to tell her that her husband is a wimp for making an effort to get help... even if that's how you personally feel. Got it, Ken? And in light of recent events, watching Taylor's breakdown, Kyle's attempt to defend her, Ken coming across like a bully with his dislike of the word "offended" (though it was kind of apt) and Lisa's subsequent defense of him made us want to crawl under the table.

Best Bitchy Battle
Until Ken and Taylor's therapy blowout, there was actually not a lot of fighting in the premiere, so the best showdown of the night was between pampered pooches Jackpot and Giggy. The two pups snarled and snapped at each other as their delusional owners insisted the others were jealous of the fancy clothes. Maybe it was just a desperate cry for help?

Most Useless Discussion of Interior Design
Before their dinner party even began, Adrienne and Paul's squabbling started over the improper use of decorative hand towels. Heaven forbid someone actually use them to dry their hands.

Most Insane Dress Code Requirement
When going to someone's house to watch TV, wouldn't you think that jeans and a cute shirt would be appropriate? Not if you're going to Adrienne's house for snacks and a screening of $#*! My Dad Says (which is sad in its own right). For the Maloof residence, you apparently need to be in full couture garb and accompanied by your pooch so the wait staff can properly mock you.

Best Display of Weighty Matters
Adrienne's home theater is large enough to house all of her guests, but the super thin women were all comfortable squeeze into three chairs together, except for that heifer Lisa who dared take up two thirds of a chair by herself. Seeing the actual size of these slim ladies made us want to feed them some Double Stuf Oreos.

Saddest Mother/Daughter Conversation
While Kyle talked with her kids about stealing clothes and Lisa and Pandy chatted about hair and nails, Kim talked to her daughter about how sad and convoluted their out-of-touch family is. Kim expressed that her own mother used to read her scripts (and forced her to be a child star?) as Kim's daughter sighed about not really getting to know her grandmother.

Most Blatant Display of Wealth
Camille conveniently forgot that she had about 80 pairs of thousand-dollar shoes in her Hamptons house... five minutes after she pet one of her horses on her enormous, well-landscaped property.

Second Most Blatant Display of Wealth
The multiple bottles of two-grand-a-pop champagne that Adrienne kept flowing at her party.

Rudest Dinner Guest
It's a tie between Jiggy and Ken. Jiggy, for drinking out of Ken's glass at the dinner table. Ken, for allowing it and then drinking out of it after him. Particularly since we're guessing that glass cost more than our fine china.

Least Graceful Exit
After Lisa's husband Ken insulted an emotionally fragile Taylor, and Taylor broke down in tears, Lisa decided wisely to get the hell out of Dodge. But pretending that she had to pick someone up at the airport? Please. She has people to do that for her.

Best Upcoming Scene Stealer
Let's be frank, the highlight of the entire episode was the coming attractions for the season, where we can hopefully do away with some of the awkwardness surrounding the premiere. And what better way than by welcoming Brandi Glanville to the party? Man, the scenes with her look awesome. We can't wait to see more of the whole Kim/meth-addict accusation meltdown.

Best Upcoming Line
"You're a slut pig." - Kim (to Brandi, we think). It could very well be the new prostitution whore.

Runner-Up for Best Upcoming Line
"Taylor is in a suitcase." - Also Kim. Did she become really amazing in the off-season?

Preview a scene for the next episode of the show: