Freaky: What's in the Basement?
Let's face it: dark basements are just inherently scary, especially when there's something hidden down there that the characters (and us) can't see. We tensed up as Ben descended those stairs in pursuit of the unseen visitor that had entered the house and then relaxed when the only thing we saw was Adelaide rolling a rubber ball along the floor and giggling. Then we tensed up again when he sent her home and returned to the main floor... and the ball rolled back! Whatever's down there, we're betting it ain't a friendly guest like E.T.

Funny: Ben Is a Terrible, Terrible Psychiatrist.
Apparently, Ben didn't have to move across the country just because he cheated on Vivian. He also must have had to leave Boston because he's awful at his job. So far, he's only got two clients and neither of them seems to be improving under his care. If anything, creepy teen Tate actually seems to be getting worse (hearing him tell Ben exactly how he'd seduce his daughter Violet was probably the scariest thing in the entire episode). Meanwhile, while treating his new patient Bianca (Mageina Tovah), Ben offered up an elaborate interpretation of one of her recurring nightmares that just made her roll her eyes. Adding to his list of professional sins, Ben showed us that he isn't the kind of doctor that never gives up on a patient. After his session with Tate, he ringed up the kid's mom and told him that he can't treat him any longer. So while he may be a failure as a husband, father and psychiatrist at least Ben proved he's good at one thing: quitting.

Freaky: Constance's Cupcakes
Be honest: would you accept baked goods from a kook like Constance? Even if they are delectable-looking dark chocolate cupcakes made from her own special recipe that includes a large dose of stomach-upsetting ipecac syrup and a healthy gob of spit. Really, Vivian should have realized something was wrong with them when Constance repeatedly insisted they were for Violet, not her. Here's a tip: if the baker herself tells you not to eat something, don't eat it!

Funny: Larry Harvey's Pancake Face
It wasn't as obvious in the pilot, but that burn makeup attached to the right side of Larry's face is awfully lumpy, making him look less like a terrifying burn victim and more like a guy that fell asleep in his oatmeal. We still like O'Hare's performance -- we just can't look at him without giggling a little.

Freaky: Glynis Figliola, Home Invader
While the home invasion storyline was a wash overall, we did love seeing our favorite Joan of Arcadia geek as a serial killer fangirl team up with her equally screwed-up friends to recreate one of their favorite homicides. Tovah was clearly enjoying the opportunity to go a little crazy, too. It's a shame that Tate had to spoil her fun with an axe to the gut, but here's hoping her ghost will return to haunt the Harmons later this season.

Funny: Dialogue Like This
"My hair is turning white from fear. I read on the Internet that's possible."
"You murdered your entire family!" "Yes, but I was never unfaithful."
"At your age, you might as well just crazy glue a stick of butter to your ass."
"Is it pillow talk?" "I don't know what that means." "No, of course you don't."

Freaky: Adelaide's Bad Girl Closet
As if we didn't already feel sorry enough for Adelaide, what with having Constance as a mom and all, we were genuinely unnerved by her mother's main form of punishment: locking the poor girl in a dark closet filled with nothing but mirrors. That's one mean mama.

Play the American Horror Story drinking game.

Would a better title for this show have been People Who Probably Deserve to Be Murdered By Ghosts? Vlogger Sean Crespo ponders the horrors of real estate in this video:

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