In this week's arbitrary Modern Family prizes that I make up just for giggles, I thought it'd be fun to play Dr. Phil (Dunphy, obviously) and write prescriptions for each character for their performance in last night's "Hit and Run." I will do my best not to punch anyone in the face while I do so, but no promises.
Prescription: A chill pill.
Diagnosis: Want to run for office? Go for it -- but ease your anxiety now, so that you can actually make your story arc funny in coming episodes, okay?
Prescription: Tiger Balm.
Diagnosis: Directions: Massage onto England Dan and John Ford Coley in the AM. At night, use on Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.
Prescription: Daily doses of Omega-3s.
Diagnosis: We hear they're good for the brain, and you've been a little too ditzy for our taste this season.
Prescription: More extra-strength drowsy allergy medicine.
Diagnosis: Don't mean to offend, as you've been great when you're awake and everything, but your sleepy performance is pitch-perfect.
Prescription: A lollipop.
Diagnosis: Another episode, another reason you're one of our favorite family members. Love those frozen assets.
Prescription: Extra-strength eye drops.
Diagnosis: You were right in front of Neal Schweiber from Freaks and Geeks and Todd from Community, and you didn't even squeal in delight once! Surely you must be going blind.
Prescription: A big bowl of chicken soup.
Diagnosis: For your beaver fever, natch.
Prescription: One adrenaline shot to the heart, stat.
Diagnosis: You need to wake up, and NOW. What happened to the quick-witted young man we fell in love with Season 1? Your mob joke wasn't even a joke.
Prescription: A pat on the back.
Diagnosis: Since gays don't high-five, we give you a quick nod of approval for your hard work last night.
Prescription: One tall order of runaway curly fries.
Diagnosis: Something lucky to help your minor mouth injury. And if you could get us into an extremely advance screening of The Muppets, we'd highly appreciate it.
Prescription: A few sips of Alex's medicine.
Diagnosis: Modern Family has been blessed in its fantastic child actors. Unless you can keep up, staying quiet and looking cute is your best bet right now.
Councilman Duane Bailey
Prescription: One aspirin, plenty of fluids
Diagnosis: All this time with Claire in her overachieving role will give you a headache (especially if you're trying to balance your day job with puggle breeding), so rest up.
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