Haley
Essay Title: My Mother the Car Driver
I've read enough admissions essays in my day to know that college-bound high school students love being meta by writing about writing the paper. Thanks to Claire, this one wrote itself. Start packing for September now, Haley.

Claire
Essay Title: Breaking Bad(ish)
Sure, it's another episode where the Dunphy matriarch is slightly evil, but Julie Bowen lived out the ultimate loving-mother-of-an-ungrateful-kid's fantasy to the point that it was almost a little bit heroic. I would legitimately love to really see into Claire's psyche, because she's always funniest when we get to dig a little deeper.

Phil
Essay Title: One Less Lonely Phil
This was no Emmy reel performance, but I guess they can't all be. I'm completely down for Phil having a friend, and while I'm not a huge Kevin Hart fan, I like the prospect of having an African American family on this show, considering it's 2011 and everything. He can gush about his pal in 5000 words, and if he runs out of things to say, there's always room to complain about his wife not letting him die a hero.

Luke and Alex
Essay Title: N/A
For all intents and purposes, both of these kids were absent last night. See you next week, maybe?

Cameron
Essay Title: Humble-Doodle-Do Beginnings
Not surprisingly, the best lines of the night were in reference to Cam's early life -- he "could've gone Gerber" and his "Gift of the Vaji" joke! His interactions with guest star Leslie Mann were fun, though it was completely obvious that she was into him for the perks of having a gay friend... which was basically the inverse of Claire's most recent storyline. Anyway, what I suggest is moot, because Cam would probably just write about his chemistry with Julia Roberts.

Mitchell
Essay Title: Better Bitter
Episodes where Mitchell teases Cam don't do much for me these days (but his response to Cam's "I'm a bad man" with "Oh no, what did you eat?" was cute), but I always love a good father-son moment between Mitchell and Jay... especially when it involves a harmless and vengeful prank.

Gloria
Essay Title: Heard it All Before
Gloria could write a book about the guys she's rejected, as seen by her tired response to the dude in the salsa club. She didn't bring too much to the table this week except serve as a foil to how old and lazy Jay is, and I'm glad she did, because picnics totally suck when you have a bad back. There's also something to be said about guest star Jennifer Tilly's breasts being the showcased set of the evening, and the fact that her comic timing (and interactions with Shorty) was significantly better than Sofia Vergara's is on a good day. Hmm.

Manny
Essay Title: Want it More
I don't even know what I expect from Manny anymore, and besides, I'm fairly sure he has already filled a journal about his mom not taking him dancing. And why being a short, awkward kid sucks.

Jay
Essay Title: Colors in the Sky
I want a detailed account of Jay's wild drug-filled night. That is all.

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