BLOGS

The Telefile
<i>American Horror Story</i>: This Week’s Freakiest and Funniest Moments

With Vivien locked up in the loony bin, her incompetent hubby Ben took center stage on last night's installment of American Horror Story. That's probably why "Spooky Little Girl" was kind of a drag, as The World's Worst Husband/Father/Adulterer/Psychiatrist mainly wandered around the house, avoiding the various phantom women throwing themselves at him and stewing over the news that only one of Vivien's twins is his. (The other -- as we know now -- belongs to Tate, but because gullibility is one of Ben's many, many flaws, he initially believes Hayden's insinuation that Morris Chestnut's security guard, Luke, is the baby daddy. Because she's been so reliable in the past.) The episode does get points for tying a classic slice of L.A. history into the show's mythology, with Mena Suvari turning up as Elizabeth Short a.k.a. The Black Dahlia, whose infamous 1947 murder (which remains unsolved) remains one of the most famous true crime stories of the 20th century. Oh yeah, and it appears that Vivien's about to give birth to the Antichrist himself. Wonder if he'll have his father's eyes?

Freaky: Dahlias In Bloom
We don't know what's freakier about American Horror Story's take on the Dahlia case: the mutilated corpse of Elizabeth Short or the fact that adorable Joshua Malina -- Sports Night 4 EVAH -- was the person that murdered her. Granted, it was an accidental death. Dr. Curan D.D.S. (Malina) only wanted to have sex with this lovely, cash-strapped actress in his home office in the Murder House before cleaning her teeth. But he clearly used a little too much gas, because she never woke up from the pre-cleaning sex. Carrying her body down to the basement, Dr. Curan conveniently bumped into the ghost of Dr. Montgomery, who happily used his surgical precision to dismember Short and give her the gruesome death grin she's famous for. In the end, the aspiring movie star achieved her desire to be famous. Too bad she wasn't alive to actually enjoy it.

Funny: Hayden the Horndog
Who knew that Kate Mara would turn out to be the show's second-most consistently entertaining performer? (After Jessica Lange, of course.) Hayden continued to flex her mystical muscles this week, first seducing Constance's intellectually-challenged boytoy Travis just to "see if I could do it with a guy who's still alive," (she can!) then apparating before her sister and an investigating officer to prove she wasn't missing (thus letting Ben off the hook... for now), and finally tricking Ben into confronting Luke. At this point, Hayden's the only one in the Murder House that seems to know what she wants and how to get it. We're really hoping her ghost sticks around for Season 2.

Freaky: Separated at Birth
Thanks to the rare reproductive phenomenon known as heteropaternal superfecundation -- when two men have sex with and impregnate a woman during the same ovulation cycle -- Tate and Ben both knocked up Vivien. To be clear, we're not disturbed by the idea of twins having two different fathers: we're just disturbed that these idiots are the fathers. Honestly, Vivien would have been much better off if she had hooked up with Luke -- at least he seems to be mentally stable AND good at his job. Also, not a ghost.

Funny: Constance and Travis Playing House
While we're on the subject of unfit parents, how hilarious was it to see Constance try to convince Travis (and herself) that he'd be a wonderful dad to Vivien's spawn? "We could be a family," she insists to the understandably freaked out wanna-be model, emphasizing how great he was to the dearly departed Addie and the dogs. (Yeah, taking the dogs for a walk is totally the same thing as caring for an infant. You're really grasping at straws there, Constance.) Eventually, even she has to admit that marrying Travis would be a terrible idea and drives him out of her house and into Hayden's... uh, vagina. Post-coitus, he suddenly starts to warm up to the idea of fatherhood, but Hayden puts a quick end to that, stabbing him to a bloody pulp. Adios corporeal Travis! See your spirit around the Murder House sometime.

Freaky: The End of Days Are Here Again
Rosemary's Baby and The Kingdom have always been obvious influences on American Horror Story and as the season heads into its final four episodes, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk are now quite clearly following in the footsteps of Roman Polanski and Lars von Trier. If you believe soon-to-be Lifetime approved psychic Billie Dean Howard's inside-the-Vatican scoop, the product of Vivien and Tate's unholy union will bring about nothing short of the end of the world. Of course, the Apocalypse didn't occur precisely when Rosemary and The Kingdom's Judith delivered their demonic spawn, so if both of Vivien's babies are actually born, we figure everyone will have at least a second-season long grace period before the world literally goes to hell.

Funny: Dialogue Like This
"I came inside." "It's cool, I can't get pregnant." "Really? Sweet!"
"Tell me you did not crawl on top of that man's wife."
"Would you mind finishing yourself? I've really got to go."
"Spirits aren't known for their potency."
"If the Devil's going to use a human womb for his spawn, he's going to want a little more bang for his buck."

Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your next show starts.

What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

MOST RECENT POSTS

BLOG ARCHIVES

The Telefile

March 2014

25 ENTRIES

February 2014

24 ENTRIES

January 2014

43 ENTRIES

December 2013

15 ENTRIES

November 2013

28 ENTRIES

October 2013

40 ENTRIES

September 2013

37 ENTRIES

August 2013

16 ENTRIES

July 2013

15 ENTRIES

June 2013

26 ENTRIES

May 2013

38 ENTRIES

April 2013

43 ENTRIES

March 2013

35 ENTRIES

February 2013

58 ENTRIES

January 2013

62 ENTRIES

December 2012

48 ENTRIES

November 2012

60 ENTRIES

October 2012

71 ENTRIES

September 2012

67 ENTRIES

August 2012

66 ENTRIES

July 2012

51 ENTRIES

June 2012

60 ENTRIES

May 2012

70 ENTRIES

April 2012

73 ENTRIES

March 2012

72 ENTRIES

February 2012

64 ENTRIES

January 2012

80 ENTRIES

The Latest Activity On TwOP