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TWoP 10: TV Families We Wouldn't Want to Join

by TWoP Staff December 2, 2011 6:00 AM
TWoP 10: TV Families We Wouldn't Want to Join

Is your family driving you crazy this holiday season? In a time of high stress, it's important to take a moment and reflect on that fact that you're not stuck in one of the many horrible families from the current world of scripted TV. We're not talking about pain-in-the-butt relatives like those on Modern Family or Parenthood -- at least those crazies mean well. The following clans, on the other hand, make dysfunction seem luxurious -- just imagine what it would be like to call these characters your kin.

10. The van der Woodsen/Humphreys (Gossip Girl)
Even though you'd probably be beautiful, it comes at the price of having an anonymous stalker who follows your every move and blogs about it. You'd be related to some of the most self-absorbed, conniving people on the planet, with a mom on house arrest, no parent control whatsoever and crazy faux cousins plotting to steal your family's fortune.

9. The Hummel-Hudsons (Glee)
How's this for terrible siblings: One of your brothers is so selfish that he'll take the little money your parents have and make them pay for a fancy private school (and yet still find reasons to whine about everything all the time), while your other brother is a complete and utter moron. Sure, your parents are decent people, and it's certainly impressive that your dad can win a seat in Congress by a landslide in an election in which he was a write-in candidate (and his campaign manager was a high school Spanish teacher), but they're never around at home.

8. The Morgans (Dexter)
Assuming you didn't witness your birth mother's tragic death, you still have to deal with your freaky homicidal brother (cute son, though!), your attention-deprived neurotic sister and all of the crazies who were adopted in. We hope you like the Miami Police Department, because you'll work there forever.

7. The Florricks (The Good Wife)
Your father embarrassed and betrayed his family by sleeping with a prostitute and getting jailed for political corruption. Your mother is never home because she's either working late or having an affair with her boss (and her hair always looks better than yours). Then there's your sister, a naïve, friendless idiot who is hypnotized by YouTube, and your secretive brother who is easily manipulated by pretty girls. Don't get us started on your scheming snoop of a grandmother.

6. The Graysons (Revenge)
Clearly, this Hamptons family is terrible if you're one of the grown-up children. It's bad enough that your family history is a hotbed of lies and deceit, but at the moment, your dad is sleeping with your mom's best friend and likes your college buddies more than you. Your mom controls your dating life, investigating girlfriends and bribing boyfriends to leave you alone. To cap it off, you all have to pretend you're the perfect family by going to non-stop social events and garden parties... and did we mention the crazy girl who's using you in her quest to get revenge on your parents?

5. The Grey-Shepherds (Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice)
In case families full of doctors aren't stressed out as it is, your older sister may be one of the most irresponsible medical professionals in history, having single-handedly prevented her husband from finding a cure for Alzheimer's. Then there's a brother-in-law who is obsessed with building a house in the woods, a drug-addicted sister-in-law who recently disappeared from her job for 12 days and a half-sister who is systematically dating every single man in your (you work together, natch) hospital. For what it's worth, the dysfunction makes sense considering that your father was an alcoholic who demolished his liver and that your late mother (who cheated on your dad) cared more about her profession than she ever cared about you.

4. The Harmons (American Horror Story)
First of all, your house is filled with psychotic ghosts... and your sister totally wants to do some of them! Good luck asking your psychiatrist dad for advice, because he is terrible at his job (and a cheating jerk). Meanwhile, your mom never, ever pays attention to you because she's too busy getting into shouting matches with your pops.

3. The Teller-Morrows (Sons of Anarchy)
You want to know what's awful about being part of this family besides the fact that they are scary bikers whose lives are in constant danger? Your a-hole stepdad, who recently beat the crap out of your mom, is responsible for your biological father's death... which your mom actually may have been partly responsible for, too. To make matters worse, your brother (the pride and joy of the family) almost hooked up with his half-sister and is currently planning to murder your stepdad with the help of his girlfriend/baby mama. And consider yourself lucky if you don't ever have to associate with a perv who looks like Tom Arnold.

2. The Grimes (The Walking Dead)
We hope you like moving, because you'll never have a home thanks to all of the pesky zombies trying to kill you. Then there's the time your mom cheated on your dad while she thought he was dead, and the fact that you'll probably get shot in the woods.

1. The Gilberts (The Vampire Diaries)
You are 100 percent guaranteed to be murdered... no question.

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25 Comments

December 2, 2011 9:31 AM
Tom
Reply

I agree with most but the family in number 9 just seems like a moderate annoyance and not on a level with any of the others.

December 2, 2011 11:16 AM
Erin K
Reply

I only disagree with 9 and 10.

10. Real stalkers are terrible, because they might actually hurt you, but GG is just annoying. Plus, I could take comfort in my trust fund and constant waffles.

9. Kurt and Finn would be annoying brothers, but Burt and Carol are two of the best parents on TV. Quinn's family is the one that would really suck.

December 2, 2011 12:10 PM
Amira
Reply

I'd hate to be a Winchester. You're guaranteed to die painfully at least once, possibly multiple times. And if you're female, you're likely to get nailed to the ceiling and set on fire.

December 2, 2011 12:42 PM
Victoria
Reply

Are reality TV families counted?
Because I definitely wouldn't want to be part of The Kardashians.

December 2, 2011 12:54 PM
Twilight Man
Reply

Victoria,

I think they're just trying to be kind (tis the season) by just having fictional families on this list and not including actual families from reality shows.

If they were, I'd include some of the families from "Toddlers and Tiaras" in which the mom obsesses over the pwecious baby while ignoring the other children.

December 2, 2011 1:57 PM
TRN
Reply

"whine about everything all the time" really? okay, did Kurt whine about being beaten up? about being sexually harrassed and assaulted? about leaving his friends behind because he was so terrified? about missing them? about missing his boyfriend? about not getting enough solos? about not getting the part he wanted? about not winning the election? about his dreams shattering in front of his eyes? Seriously, TWOP, most of this article was so bad, it's obvious you just want to make indignant fans come here and tell you off. Can't find viewers any other way? Classy.

December 2, 2011 2:20 PM
Mike
Reply

Got to disagree on your Glee choice, Burt is an awesome Dad and Finn is pretty cool and not as stupid as you think. Yes Kurt is annoying but oh well.

December 2, 2011 2:21 PM
Jon
Reply

Wow are you off, Finn is awesome

December 2, 2011 2:34 PM
Kristen
Reply

Of the shows I watch (9, 8, 7, 4, and 2), I'd say you're right on, especially about the Florrick daughter. Well done. Except I do like Finn.

December 2, 2011 2:46 PM
Jo
Reply

I can't believe the Winchesters were left out. As a part of that family, you would spend your life in crappy motel rooms, every one you've ever met, ever, would be dead, and worst of all, you would be around Sam and Dean all the time but not able to sleep with them, because they're your brothers and that would be incest. Life doesn't get much crappier.

December 2, 2011 4:15 PM
CC
Reply

"1. The Gilberts (The Vampire Diaries)
You are 100 percent guaranteed to be murdered... no question." TRUTH!

December 2, 2011 10:35 PM
SaneN85
Reply
replied to comment from TRN

Yes, yes, yes, yes... and yes. Yes to all.

December 3, 2011 1:16 AM
Kitten
Reply
replied to comment from CC

Oh gosh. I hadn't realized -- they HAVE all been murdered, even the ones that are now alive. Which sounds ridiculous, but is true.

December 3, 2011 11:21 AM
Jadite62
Reply

How did none of the families from Game of Thrones make this list?

December 3, 2011 12:20 PM
Captain Iconic
Reply

you forgot the Luthors from Smallville.. that family is all sorts of screwed up

December 3, 2011 2:44 PM
Amira
Reply
replied to comment from Jadite62

Oh, I forgot about those. Yeah, that's a hell of an oversight.

December 3, 2011 8:55 PM
Melody
Reply
replied to comment from Jo

Ha! So, so true. It would be a terrible lot in life to be a family member of a Winchester and not get to sleep with them. They are so pretty.

December 4, 2011 12:34 AM
Kirk B
Reply

Actually, you probably WOULD get to sleep with one or both of them, but then BECAUSE of it you would be nailed to the ceiling and set on fire. So would it be worth it?

December 4, 2011 2:18 AM
NC
Reply

You forgot the Kennedys from It's Always Sunny... The man you thought was your dad is confidently creepy and gross but you're more disgusted by your do-gooder bio-dad. Your brother is a total douche but, sadly, is still less offensive than his two stooges. Your sister is duck nuts crazy and she likes to take everyone down with her. But you probably won't notice because all of you seem to have narcissistic personality disorder.

December 4, 2011 9:14 AM
Leann
Reply

I have to agree with everyone who mentioned the Winchesters. Demons would take far too personal an interest in you. People would write fanfiction about you sleeping with your siblings, and attend conventions where they'd pretend to be you. And you'd always be wondering whether your family did the right thing when it stopped the Apocalypse, and if you're going to have to stop or start another one someday.

December 5, 2011 8:50 AM
Becky
Reply

I disagree with the Glee choice. Both Kurt and Finn may be mildly annoying at best, but the parents, especially Burt Hummel, are adults most people would be lucky to have as parents.

But really, how could you leave out the Darmodys from Boardwalk Empire? Even though this was posted before tonight's episode...wow. I need to watch something warm and fuzzy after watching that family!!

December 14, 2011 8:28 AM
Hey Y'all :)
Reply

I completely agree with the Vampire Diaries choice, The Girlberts are pretty much doomed and now there's literally only one left, Jeremy. But I think that other families are doomed too, just for the fact that they were founder families. Look at the Lockwoods, all dead but Tyler and his mom, the forbes only caroline and the sheriff but yeah the gilberts and endagered... :P

December 18, 2011 6:14 AM
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