5. Cameron
Secret: He didn't actually hurt his back, and instead just wanted to look for the Tupperware that Claire so viciously stole from him.
Sentence: Actual pain, thanks to a slapstick-y and ill-conceived snoop gone wrong. Who uses an open drawer as a step stool?

4. Claire
Secret: To take out her aggression, she secretly visits a gun range extremely regularly.
Sentence: Bonding time with Gloria -- harsh, we know... especially since she'll get sucked into thinking about how sad the concept of a blind model is. On the bright side, her shooting range friends will be very happy.

3. Mitchell
Secret: That one time Jay (a.k.a "Ace") got a hole-in-one? That only actually happened because Mitch got bored and kicked his golf ball in.
Sentence: Another episode where his self-esteem drops until the very end, when his dad turns around and incidentally says something incredibly sweet and touching. And now he has to take care of actually injured Cam, too!

2. Haley
Secret: She's not a virgin anymore.
Sentence: For acting like a mature and responsible adult for once? A sweet, tender moment with Phil -- but we say she must be forced into smelling the food court Cinnabon stand. She can follow it up with a Swedish massage, accent optional.

1. Manny and Luke
Secret: Taking Uncle Cam's car out for a spin to impress a girl.
Sentence: Absolutely nothing. They made it out clean, and Claire was none the wiser. Good work, Thelma -- whoever you are. Let's all hope Lily is one step closer to being put in her place. They also got away with sending an innocent dolphin-studying doll to the doctor -- let's just say they're lucky she had already met her deductible for that month. On the bright side, she can have a new friend in Alex's doll, Geneviève.

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