Theon can't cut off a head to spite his face and other notable moments from last night's Game of Thrones installment, "The Old Gods and the New."
Best New Character: While tramping through the frozen wastelands of the North to find Mance Rayder, Jon Snow instead stumbles upon a group of Wildlings, including the flame-haired wild woman Ygritte. She seems like just the sort of fiery type that'll be able to melt Snow's defenses.
Lamest Conqueror: In a totally bogus sneak attack, Theon marches the crew of the Sea Bitch into his soldier-less former home of Winterfell and demands that Bran give him the keys to the castle. Because nothing says "bad-ass conqueror" like menacing a crippled kid. We'd encourage Theon to pick on someone his own size, but he's clearly well-aware that's a fight he'd lose.
Best Aim: Ser Rodrik hocking a loogie in Theon's face with deadly accuracy.
Runner-Up: The anonymous guy in the King's Landing mob that hits Joffrey upside the head with a cow pie. If he survived the ensuing riot, first glass of warm beer is on us.
Worst Aim: Theon attempting to behead Ser Rodrik in one smooth blow, but instead has to repeatedly hack away at his neck due to his poor swordsmanship and overall suckiness.
Runner-Up: Jon brings his blade down to sever Ygritte's head from her body only to end up missing it completely. Unlike Theon, we kinda think he meant to do that.
Most Skillful Evasive Maneuvers: Arya continually bobbing and weaving in and out of Petyr Baelish's eyeline during his meeting with Tywin. Clearly, he knows he should know her, but he just can't get a clear look at her face.
Worst Negotiator: Daenerys trying to convince Qarth's leading spice trader to lend her his ships for her invasion of Westeros... despite the fact that she has no army, no allies and no plan of attack. We recommend that she add Trump's The Art of the Deal to her Kindle library. The first chapter's free on Amazon!
Most Bad-Ass Tyrion Moment: After Joffrey tries to pull rank on his Hand by saying "You're talking to a king!" Tyrion slaps the twerp across the face, replying "And now I've struck a king." That's Tyrion for you: he does what everyone else wishes they could do.
Reason #2,032 Why We Hate Joffrey: Despite Tyrion's urging, he refuses to give his knights the order to save Sansa, even though her death will likely cost him his fath--... uh, we mean uncle. That kind of douchebaggery merits two cow pies to the face.
Best Daughter From Another Father: We know she's only doing it to get inside information on the Lannister's plans, but Arya seems to be effectively worming her way into Tywin's cold, cold heart. The fact that he opened up to her about his own father is pretty extraordinary. Not that he wouldn't kill her without hesitation if she sets one foot wrong, of course.
Least Erotic Sex Scene: Sansa's near-rape is the obvious winner, but Osha's seduction of Theon was pretty unpleasant too. Mainly because we felt sorry for her that she had to sleep with Theon.
Most Upsetting Kidnapping: We're as torn up as Daenerys at the thought of her adorable dragon babies being forcibly taken from her (a plot twist that's not in the book, by the way -- we're curious to see how this develops). In order to get Mom and her fire-breathing kids reunited more quickly, we'll volunteer to hang "Have You Seen These Dragons?" posters around Qarth.
Most Memorable Lines:
"Louder. And Prince Theon." -- Theon jerkily instructing Bran on precisely how to announce the news of the transfer of power at Winterfell.
"Aye, we know you for a steaming sack of shit." -- A Winterfell loyalist calling Theon what he is.
"They'd take your head off your shoulders if they was feeling kind. If not, they'd kill you slow." -- Ygritte, informing Qhorin Halfhand how the Wildlings treat their prisoners.
"We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings. But I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot king." -- Tyrion, once again unafraid to put the little runt Joffrey in his place.
"She has a talent for drama, this one." -- The spice trader, offering one of the most accurate descriptions of Daenerys we've heard to date.
"You're brave. Stupid, but brave." -- Ygritte, offering one of the most accurate descriptions of Jon Snow we've heard to date.
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