Bran Stark, Tomb Raider and other revelations from last night's Game of Thrones episode, "The Prince of Winterfell."
Best Sibling Smackdown: Theon opens the gates to Yara expecting a hero's greeting... but instead once again gets treated like the screw-up he is. Even when his sister actually tries to show him a moment of genuine compassion, he can't accept it gracefully. That's younger sibling envy for you.
Worst Maternal Betrayal: Catelyn Stark frees Jaime Lannister without Robb's knowledge. Sure, she had her reasons -- trying to recover her other children, for example -- but we're kind of with the King of the North on this one. It does seem like a boneheaded play.
Reason #3,567 Why We Hate Joffrey: He almost certainly won't die in battle since he's got his mom looking out for him, instructing Tyrion to place Joffrey as far from the action as possible. There's still the possibility of getting impaled with a stray arrow, right?
Least Enjoyable Boat Ride: Poor Brienne, charged with keeping Jaime free from (re)capture, loads the chattering ass into a canoe and shoves off, somehow managing to refrain from whacking upside the head with an oar. We suggest she start singing an endless refrain of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" to drown out her prisoner's whiny natterings.
George S. Patton Award for Most Insightful Wartime Speech: Bronn, describing what exactly goes down when a city is under siege, from noble ladies selling their diamonds for potatoes and the poor eating each other. Here's hoping he only observed these incidents rather than participated in them.
Most Ill-Timed Romance: Robb Stark and nurse Talisa (who -- fun fact time -- is played by Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter, Oona) at last consummate their mutual attraction with some late-night nooky in his tent. While it's nice that the young would-be king has someone to confide in, admire and strip naked with, getting in too deep with her would be a bad move on his part. He's promised, after all, to wed one of Lord Frey's less-ugly daughters in exchange for his allegiance.
Most Bad-Ass Tyrion Moment: After holding it together when Cersei claims that she's captured his secret lover, he manages to avoid letting loose a sigh of relief when it turns out that she's got Ros in her custody, not Shae. He continues to play along like a boss, promising Ros that he won't forget her for her sacrifice. And Tyrion generally makes good on his promises.
Reason #4,621 Why We Love Arya: Unable to issue the kill order on Tywin Lannister before he leaves Harrenhal, Arya instead names her designated assassin Jaqen H'ghar himself. When he all but begs her to unname him, she strikes a wise bargain: spirit her and her friends out of the castle and he won't have to slit his own throat. "A girl lacks honor," he spits out. Yeah, but she definitely possesses cunning.
Best Tomb Raiders: Rather than take them too far afield, Osha hid the Stark children in the tombs of Winterfell, counting on Theon to be too dumb to figure it out. We'd say that's a safe assumption.
Most Memorable Lines:
"Which one gave you the tougher fight -- the cripple or the six-year-old?" -- Yara to Theon, critiquing his whole "killing the Stark children" plan.
"Have you known many men? I suppose not. Women? Horses?" -- Jaime trying to get to know his new minder, Brienne.
"I'd swap all your books for a few good archers." -- Bronn, describing his preferred battle strategy for Stannis's impending invasion.
"I'd say you possess above average intelligence." -- Tyrion, complementing Cersei on her mind.
"Sons of Lords don't like to break bread with sons of crabbers. Their hands stink." -- Ser Davos describing Westeros' prejudiced class structure to Stannis.
"They say Stannis never smiles. I'll give him a red smile from ear to ear." -- Joffrey, making an empty threat about his adversary that neither Tyrion nor Varys believes for a second.
"The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all gods such vicious cunts? Where's the God of Tits and Wine?" -- Tyrion, summing up exactly why he's an atheist.
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