"She is to teaching what Dr. Seuss is to medicine."
An excellent insult, courtesy of Alice Alex. I loved that the second the live art started, you knew that was when everyone's issues were going to blow up. Maybe Modern Family is oftentimes extremely conventional, but the writers are really very good at nailing the classics.

"My senior year, I had a pretty crazy night myself involving a bottle of corn mash and an overturned plow. You don't know terror until you've had to star down the eyes of a Missouri State Trooper and talk your way out of a P.U.I."
Phil being completely oblivious to Haley sneaking around was great and I liked Cam's line later about actually seeing hogwash, too. I'm just glad his hand wasn't mangled in the garbage disposal.

"I finally had to lie down. It didn't help my reputation."
I'm usually not a fan of the ol' "We both agree this isn't working, but we don't want to hurt each other's feelings" trope, but whatever led to Mitch laying down in that elevator while his ex-coworkers rolled their eyes at him is definitely fine by me. I'm also glad that Phil's reveal that he tried to break up with Claire 20 years ago was used as a funny device and not an actual point of contention between Phil and Claire. That and the stress-blinking.

"Second-best hugger in the world after Burt Reynolds. Story to follow."
Aw, look, Gloria gets jealous too. Sure, Phil delivered the best line in her story arc, but Sofia Vergara's acting wasn't that horrible in this episode and her, "Ay, my poor sisters," about discovering what jealousy feels like was a strong second-place contender. And for the record, I agree with Gloria that the Jay Pritchett sandwich sounded disgusting.

"If they gave awards for starting fires, I'd be getting one of those too."
Luke is so logical! Manny saluting the flag was maybe my favorite moment in the entire episode, though Phil's gross story about "Lukewarm" water and the very concept of Luketonium were up there as well.

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