I don't know what terrible thing I did, but clearly having to watch an entire hour of 2 Broke Girls must have been some sort of CBS-mandated punishment, right? Both "And the Big Opening" and "And the Silent Partner" were forgettable, nonsensical and just plain bad episodes filled with gross sex jokes and lots of fat shaming. In the first installment, I don't understand what the point was of bringing Johnny back. I'd all but forgotten him, and he was never that great of a character nor such a wonderful match for Max that I felt that we were missing something without his presence (can't say the same about Andy, who has an abundance of sexual chemistry with her but barely any with Caroline). As for "And the Silent Partner," I didn't really buy that Caroline would be disgraced by "only" having one small cupcake shop in a popular mall in one of the trendiest parts of New York City, especially at the age of 25 after her family lost all of their money and possessions. But whatever; clearly this show isn't supposed to make sense logistically, so let's just get to the groans:
"And the Big Opening"
- Max plays "Marry, Sleep With or Kill" with Earl, as if she would really say "sleep with" instead of "fuck."
- Earl: "Girl, you take the fun out of a punch bowl full of cocaine."
- The opening party for Max's Homemade Cupcakes is at capacity, though in Max's experience, it's probably actually going to be overbooked because "even when guys say they're not gonna come, they do." (So, at this point, Max has all but flat-out said the words "I have been raped," right?)
- Sophie: "Hi everybody, I got great news." Oleg: "What, you finally found the thing we lost in there?" (At least no one clapped at her entrance, though it felt like the audience was poised to.)
- Oleg: "It will be good to have some time away from the old ball and chain. Sophie: "Yeah, he's not talking about me. We use a ball and chain in our lovemaking. That's the thing I can't find." (Continuity!)
- "Nothing says 'successful party' like a bitchy gay doorman!"
- "See these in this blouse? You wish you could suck it!" (I'll leave it to your imagination to guess what that was about.)
- Oh god, Sophie is crashing this party and she's got a mob of Polish stereotypes behind her.
- "See, I know her and my name is on the list: Han Lee." "Honey, if I was a fat girl and your name was Sara Lee, you still wouldn't be getting in."
- This whole storyline with Max and Robbie, who has wisely never been seen since the pilot. Also, Max goes back to the party and leaves her ex-boyfriend alone in the back after he just admitted to her that he stole money from her constantly.
- "Just found out I've paid for more sex than an Arab businessman."
- The third time Han screamed hello to Johnny and Max from the line while they were having an intense conversation to break up the tension.
- The fourth time.
- The fifth. Also, why does the sign on Candy Andy say "Sorry, We're Open"?
- Johnny describes chocolate chip pancakes as "the balls" and then high-fives Andy.
- Caroline: "How did you two sleep?" Johnny: "Did we sleep?"
- "Well Max, as far as the 'suck it' plan goes, it looks like somebody sucked something." (Okay, to Caroline's credit, her mouth was full of pancakes and it was actually kind of cute. Maybe every gratuitously filthy line of this show should be said when someone's mouth is comically full of breakfast food.)
- "We're not having kitchen sex, it's way too dirty in here... from other people having kitchen sex."
- The sixth time.Minute I stopped paying attention and had to rewind: 20:20 when Max and Johnny were making out for a while and totally disrespecting Andy's space and contaminating his candy, which was yet another completely disregarded moment in this terrible episode.
"And the Silent Partner"
- Max and Caroline call an old lady a whore at the same time, and then the jokes goes on for a bit.
- Earl calls every Puerto Rican person "La Bamba," including the random busboy who now works at the diner, and who we will obviously never see or hear about again.
- Max claims she was sold into slavery after letting a guy buy a slushie for her, and then this becomes a recurring joke for a bit.
- Oleg finds depressed women very hot, especially when they're "lifeless on the bed."
- Sophie shows Max her "black panties," Max says that Sophie's not wearing any panties and the Sophie apologizes for her "wild mess down there." Max later describes what she saw as "like something an animal built to live in for the winter.
- Caroline feeds Sophie soup: "Open your mouth and put it in." Sophie: "Now you're as bad as Oleg."
- "Is this the Polish version of a home invasion? They break in and leave something tacky?"
- This whole storyline where Andy wants to tell Caroline he loves her, but Max convinces him that he must do it with grandeur in a classic chick-flick type of way.
- Andy says he's the only straight guy on earth who knows the difference between Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney (which was also a gag on this week's very terrible episode of Saturday Night Live).
- Really just every single moment with Sophie in this entire episode, from the chandelier to the hoagies, pickled eggs and scratchers to the horribly obvious sitcom moment where the girls are about to fire her but then she gives them a meaningful thank you for saving her from depression. Oh, and then she makes another reference to her pubes.
- Caroline: "This is so humiliating. Now I know how Tyra felt when she went undercover as that fat person. Please tell me this is our bottom." Max: "Well, it's your bottom. I went to Happy House once and woke up naked in a penguin habitat at the Bronx Zoo... and I did things."
- Caroline and Max's free samples are literally whole cupcakes. Are these things incapable of being cut into smaller pieces? What an enormous waste of money!
- "I can't believe we're just standing here when we could be chasing fat people down the street, yelling, 'You ate my brother!'"Minute I stopped paying attention and had to rewind: 24:05, when Max and Caroline were dressed up in cupcake outfits to pass out free samples, per Sophia's idea, as we all knew it was only downhill from there.
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