We wasted two hours of our life last night watching Stars in Danger: The High Dive. Well, probably about 45 minutes after skipping all the commercials and instant replays. Honestly, did anyone watch this live? We'd be shocked if ABC wasn't seriously reconsidering their full series Celebrity Diving after watching this hastily thrown together "special" on Fox. And it wasn't just the premise that was ridiculous; so many things were just plain awful about this crappy event. The only remotely redeemable things were seeing Twitch and Terrell Owens in speedos, while the rest was something we're trying hard to erase from our brains.
You Call This Shit Diving?
Half of the dives weren't even dives, they were just celebrity jumping, or celebrity falling. At one point Kim Richards actually performed a "dive" that involved her gently jumping into the water feet first. Feet first! Five-year-olds can do that. For the Richards sister's syncro dive, the announcer actually said, "they're going to the end of the board and will fall in" by way of describing what they were going to do. And that's what they did. They went to the board, leaned way over and fell. That's not actual diving.
Exactly When Did JWOWW Quit?
The much-touted JWOWW didn't compete because of a vague back injury that supposedly happened just the day before this was filmed, which we call B.S. on because of the synchronized diving footage of Alexandra Paul and David Chokachi, which made it look like they had ample time to practice together -- more than a day -- even though JWOWW was supposed to have been his partner, which means Alexandra and David should have had to scramble at the very last minute backstage to put something together.
How Drunk Was the Poolside Reporter?
She was slurring her words and acting liked she'd never spoken to a C-list celebrity before. Was a Kardashian not on retainer for this?
How Dare They Play the Olympic Theme Music?
Isn't that copyrighted? This is the least Olympian thing we've ever seen, particularly anything involving Kyle Richards. It was embarrassing.
How Are the Stars in Danger?
A few brave souls decided to use the five-meter board, but no one, aside from the Olympian who was doing the demo, used the actual high dive. So how exactly were these "stars" in any "danger"? Aside from some bruises and bruised egos, there was no danger.
How Quickly Was This Slapped Together?
They mentioned that these people had only had two weeks of training, which showed, but the entire cheap-ass production looked like it was put together the night before by a high school drama club. The signs in the audience were pathetic (particularly the people waving the ones for JWOWW, while she was just vacantly sitting in the corner the whole time). Honestly, it was a poorly lit pool, with a crowd, and the curtain blocking off the backstage looked stapled on.
How Come Alexandra Paul Was an Alternate?
Like she's any less recognizable than David Chokachi? Why was she relegated to alternate status instead of the show just upping the number of celebrities? Was it because they always knew that JWOWW would quit?
Why Couldn't This Be Celebrity Synchronized Swimming?
The Carolina Synchro Sirens "entertained the crowds" last night, and it made us wish we were seeing the "stars" in tacky costumes spinning in circles instead of flailing off diving platforms. And after seeing The Amazing Race this past season, we know how hard it is to actually execute the group swimming. We'd like to see the struggle, instead of just belly flops.
Why Wasn't There More of Coach Tory?
She's freakin' adorable, and coached Twitch and Soul Surfer to their synchronized diving win. If this had a Dancing With the Stars-style voting component, I'd have voted for Twitch (keep in mind the aforementioned Speedo), just to see more Coach Tory.
Why Did Alexandra Do Only One Dive?
After joining at the "last minute," Alexandra landed some high scores for her dive. But then she only did that same dive (or if it was different, it was remarkably similar) for her second two dives. We bet everyone would have done well if they'd only had to learn one dive. Also, some people got to stay on the springboard, while others used the platforms, which seemed like an unfair comparison.
Are They Redefining the Word Synchronized?
Terrell and Antonio were paired up, and they did two completely different dives. One was forwards, one was backwards, and they landed at different times. That seems just... confusing.
How Much Waterproof Makeup Was Used to Make This Show?
They may have only had a three-dollar budget for this show, but damn if they didn't spend their entire wad on making sure the ladies' faces were well made up even after they came out of the water. Kyle Richards in particular looked great post-dunking.
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