So the much buzzed-about America's Next Top Model season of the shorties is almost upon us, but after seeing the press release with the bios and photos of these vertically challenged girls, we think that "short" might be a bit of an overstatement. Sure, they aren't traditional runway height, but the smallest girl measures up at 5'3", which is at the taller end of the petite spectrum in most retail stores. And that's not the only thing that has me worried about Cycle 13: between the absence of judge Paulina Porizkova, a revolving door of guest judges and Tyra's ever-expanding ego, this season could be the biggest letdown yet.
I think we all can agree, having watched America's Next Top Model for 49 cycles now, that what makes a top model in the Tyraverse is not any of the model-esque qualities you might assume are prerequisites -- superior height, facial symmetry, a runway walk not copied from Peter Boyle's performance in Young Frankenstein -- but rather the "desire," the "really wanting this"-ness. By which of course I mean the undignified, and un-optional, coating of Tyra's giant ass in damp kisses, the better to evolve Tyra's delusion of herself as a benign (and gigantic) Henrietta Higgins who Does Good For People. A girl's real-world modeling potential is irrelevant here -- fortunately, since few of the contestants have any such thing, which, naturally, is why they get onto the show in the first place. Nobody with a snowball's chance in hell of getting work in the industry on her own is as pathetically grateful for the faux-pportunities offered by ANTM (for real, the Seventeen readership's age tops out at around 13), and it's that pathetic gratitude that Tyra requires.
Tyra has gotten more and more obnoxiously imperious in the last year or two, but her fucktardedly outsized sense of her own importance isn't a problem per se -- at least, not compared with the problem it must pose for her employees. What is a problem, from a television standpoint, is that that grandiose insistence on choosing the girl who thanks/beseeches/admires Tyra the most fervently, instead of the girl who's the best qualified (or, you know, qualified at all), voids the competition of any significance. Tyra doesn't think we notice it, I suspect; Tyra doesn't see, or is not hearing anyone who tries to tell her, that the motives behind her choices are increasingly obvious.
The CW recently announced that we'll be treated an all-star season of America's Next Top Model next fall. That's right, they're bringing all the really crazy bitches back. Well, contestant-wise, anyway -- we sadly doubt that Janice or Paulina will be included in the festivities. Anyway, this is a fantastic idea, although some of the enjoyable personalities from earlier seasons might be a bit long in the tooth to viably compete for the completely useless title of "All-Star Top Model" (the show started in 2003, after all). Here's our wish-list of who we hope they'll cast:
A week where the dads from Teen Mom 3 were largely tolerable (or just not shown) makes us really happy.
Trying again to promote the good in humanity, we'd like to give it up to Big Brother's Nick who at least had the decency to be polite and kind to GinaMarie on national television. If he runs and hides in the coming weeks to get away from her… well, let's just say we wouldn't blame him.
Again, we're starting off with some kind thoughts as we learned this week that perpetually awesome hosts Tim Gunn and Cat Deeley were even more awesome than we had previously believed. First, it was revealed that Cat was responsible for the amazing Jasmine making it to the Top 20 (well deserved!) and then we watched Tim Gunn delicately diffuse a potentially volatile situation with Ken without even breaking a sweat. Both are total pros.
People got violent and just downright nasty this week.
The twins on The Amazing Race were pretty terrible for taking James and Abba's money and then trying to get another team to share the wealth/guilt... but they weren't as rotten as some other people this week.
Here are two great reasons to watch this year's Golden Globes ceremony.
If we were giving out awards for idiot of the week, we'd have a tough time picking between Big Brother's Danielle and Survivor's Zane, but luckily we're just focusing on bad, not dumb, behavior.
MOST RECENT POSTS