It pains me to write about a debut episode of a new Real World season without making a Chappelle's Show "Mad Real World" joke, or to write about San Diego without quoting Anchorman, but a lot of atrocious things happened last night and I don't want to take any time away from talking about how much I hate the newest members of the MTV family. "First Impressions" had a lot of rich material to close-read, and I think that is best done by ranking the new cast from most offensive to least. Can you take a wild guess on who I thought was the worst?
Yes, I realize how ridiculous that headline sounds. Yes, I am too old to be watching Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Yes, I stopped watching The Real World years ago and only have the vaguest idea who half of the contestants are. Yes, the Challenge has its flaws -- way too many off-challenge physical altercations, too many drunken hook-ups and a really boring host. But still, I think other (aging) reality shows could actually learn a lot from this series.
When's MTV gonna change its stupid name already? With the recent announcement regarding its reality show-heavy slate of new shows (16 new ones in all), it's like they're not even trying to pretend they have anything to do with music anymore. It's not even like on VH1, where the shows are sort of vaguely related to music via their hosts (Rock of Love, Charm School, etc.). It's just pure unmitigated trizzash.
Most awesome person of the week on reality TV easily goes to Harry Connick, Jr. who nearly single-handedly renewed our interest in American Idol with his charming antics and musical knowledge. You're a wizard, Harry. The rest of reality TV was filled with despicable morons, like usual.
New year... and a bunch of horrible new reality stars to contend with. Welcome to 2014, everyone.
Somehow we're two weeks in to Real Housewives of New Jersey and none of those women have found their way on to our list. That's either a marked improvement on their part or the rest of reality TV civilization has stooped even lower.
Something positive came from this week, in that we think we've found a new best friend for moronic Ryan Lochte. That man is Eddie. He's dummy from Survivor who quit about two minutes into a challenge for free food, when he was well aware that he needed immunity. He also has about zero capabilities for strategy, but he looks cute in swim trunks.
First off, we'd like to hand out some kudos to some special reality stars this week. From the receptionist on Urban Tarzan who is the least believable "actress" we've ever seen to Terry on Real Housewives of Orange County who didn't know when to let the onion rings go (just give up trying to have any shred of control in that marriage, dude) to Corinne from Survivor who continued to talk about collecting "gays" like they were toys from a machine instead of actual people. You are all stellar in your own way, if not quite heinous enough to make our list -- this time.
Somehow Mariah Carey and her scepter of annoyance escaped our list this week, though we really don't understand what show she's watching when she thinks saving Devin is an idea with any merit.
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