Simon, Simon, Simon...we understand that after eight years, he's justifiably tired of judging American Idol. It's gotta be tough when America ignores your sage advice and crowns Taylor Hicks Idol number five, or votes week after week for Sanjaya's hair. But if he's serious about leaving the top-rated show on American television, we think the sneering one could do better than a stateside version of The X-Factor. There are plenty of reality shows on TV right now that could benefit from Simon's acerbic criticism and penchant for tight white t-shirts...read on to see why.
Simon would appreciate the tropical locale (the Idol theatre can get so stuffy!) and the ladies in bikinis, but be disturbed by the complete lack of ice-cold Cokes in giant logo-bedecked cups. Coach's lunatic storytelling and tendency to refer to himself as a dragon slayer wouldn't faze Simon, who is more than used to dealing with nutcases due to his experience with costume-wearing preliminary auditioners and Tatiana del Toro.
Simon would say about Coach: "You're all wrong for this competition -- I think you'd be a better fit on Intervention."
Simon would enjoy picking the contestants' viral videos and marketing campaigns to pieces while elevating "You're Fired" to even greater heights of self-esteem-crushingness with his posh accent. Though he might be confused when told that no save existed for him to use on Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick, he'd eventually out-ego The Donald by bringing up the fact that he once turned down a dinner invitation from President Obama.
Simon would say about The Donald: "I was incredibly distracted by that thing on your head -- you need to fire your stylist."
After just five minutes on set, Simon would realize that this is actually a scripted show and refuse to have anything to do with it. Before climbing into his limo, he'd dress down Speidi for being talentless and fake -- but as so often happens, America would ignore his wise criticism and continue to lavish these hacks with undeserved attention.
Simon would say about Lauren and Co.: "Your performance was boring and monotonous. It's like you've stopped trying."
Simon would feel right at home advising the catty contestants on who to evict each week, but soulless interactions with The Chenbot would leave him desperate for banter with Ryan and he'd have to quit the show.
Simon would say about Chenbot: "How do you expect to get any further with a complete lack of personality?"
America's Next Top Model
Simon would feel right at home sitting behind the judges' table and would definitely enjoy the many photos of skimpily dressed women (though Miss Jay's incessant come-ons would really make him uncomfortable). However, when he'd try to blow off a loopy comment from Tyra in the manner that he used to belittle Paula, she'd transform into the Goddess of Fierce (complete with a chilling "dead eyes" demonstration) and Simon would be forced to run for dear life.
Simon would say about Tyra: "That was excruciating. I don't know which hurts worse, my ears or my eyes."
The Biggest Loser
Simon's tight white t-shirt would serve as a sartorial inspiration to the contestants and fear of his snarky comments would provide them further reason to drop pounds fast. Bob and Jillian might take issue with some of his nastier criticisms, but we wouldn't mind. Though he'd probably have to switch the logo on his giant cup to Diet Coke.
Simon would say about the contestants: "I know everyone's going to hate me for this, but...no, Jillian, I have to say it...you need to lose 10 pounds if you want to get any further in this competition."
So You Think You Can Dance
Simon could continue to showcase his skill at plucking raw talent from obscurity, and would find the judes' intelligible comments a welcome change from Randy's verbal diarrhea. But the combined British accents of Nigel Lythgoe and Cat Deeley would intimidate him, and he'd have to drop out after three episodes.
Simon would say about Mary Murphy: "That was like listening to a howler monkey in heat. I couldn't wait for it to end."
Within moments of walking into the restaurant, Simon and Gordon would get into a shouting match about who is better at verbally annihilating the blubbering contestants. But they'd simultaneously realize how perfect they are for each other and begin to make passionate love right there on the floor -- marking the first time Hell's Kitchen was shut down by something other than overdone Beef Wellington.
Simon would say about Gordon: "One word: Brilliant!"
Got more show-hopping advice for Simon? Leave it in the comments!
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