What constitutes news, you might ask? An awesome celeb hosting an awards show we've never watched? That's news. Two fallen 1980s movie stars being cast in TV shows? That's news. A TV show set in the 1970s getting dropped like a bad habit? That's news. A 1990s TV star being cast in a remake of a 1980s TV show, due to appear on TV in 2010? That's a math problem, but it's also news. All those decades and more on today's... TwoP News! (Cue American Idol theme music.)

Welcome to the news, post-Oscars. We know, we know -- your worldview has shifted. It's hard to see Hugh Jackman the same way anymore. Give it time. It will pass. We recommend you watch all three X-Men films in quick succession. Do not watch Swordfish. But before you do that, here is the news. And before you ask, no, the musical is not back. But The Witches of Eastwick is, and Battlestar Galactica might be, in a bad way.

What has six legs, three heads and destroys dreams? Answer: The judging table of American Idol. Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson have been breaking untalented American hearts for years, but now they're about to grow a new head, because four heads can break hearts 30% faster. Award-winning songwriter Kara DioGuardi -- who's lived with Paula Abdul, worked with multiple AI contestants and writes half of the mainstream pop played on radios nowadays -- is joining the judges' table in Tuesday night's premiere. To get to know this newcomer/industry veteran, we sat in on a conference call where she talked about her catchphrase, the new Cowell-centric voting system and which former Idol she'd like to work with.

Since Saturday I've been thinking about the announcement that Matt Smith was going to fill David Tennant's shoes. I've gone back and forth on how I feel about them casting a 26-year-old relative unknown in this major geek role. My first reaction (mostly based on the age) was "Gah, this is going to be just as bad as Twilight." Actually my first reaction was "Who the hell is that?," but the young guy with nice hair thing came in a close second. But I've finally decided that I'm OK with it. I mean, I still haven't come to terms with the fact that David Tennant is leaving, and there were a host of other choices on the teaser lists that sort of tickled my fancy, but I've decided that I trust in Stephen Moffat and I'm willing to go along with this wild ride. And below are my reasons why.

I am probably one of the very few (read: twelve) people who actually likes/watches the show Kath & Kim. For various reasons (it's a disgrace to the original Aussie version, the casting is all wrong), people just loooooooove to bitch about this colorful bit of camp. Well, I object. Sure it's nothing like the original, and it's a good thing, too, because Aussie humor doesn't always translate, and unless you're privy to the various slang terms and cultural touchstones of Down Under, you can easily get lost. But I maintain that the Americanized version kept the essence of the show -- complete with the end-of-show "wine time" segment and the near-constant exclamations by both Kath and Kim that something or other is "soooo unusual." I think Molly Shannon is perfectly loverly as the unflinchingly cheerful exercise fanatic Kath, and despite all the protests that Selma Blair isn't believable as her daughter, I quite enjoy her grouchy, junk-food addicted "trophy wife" Kim. Oh, and John Michael Higgins can basically do no wrong.

Oh, it was such a fun moment last night to see Carl Lumbly (aka Marcus Dixon from Alias) kicking some butt on the small screen again. I might have omitted a girlish squeal when he arrived on screen. He certainly didn't disappoint me. Dixon was Sydney's tough ass partner for years and here he was the former sensei to Chuck's bulky, gruff NSA agent John Casey. The two get into quite the scuffle and though (SPOILER) Dixon gets taken down (he is the bad guy after all), he gets in some bitchin' punches and kicks and really makes me miss the good ol' days of him fighting off evildoers from around the world, instead of being an evildoer from some random part of the world. See below for a clip of the aforementioned kickfest, or check out the full episode to see him in all his looming glory.

Growing up in the 1980s, I didn't watch a lot of traditional "holiday specials." No special guests coming over, no singing songs by the fire, nothing like that -- just Charlie Brown, the Grinch and little Ralphie for me. So all I know about the golden age of holiday specials is what I've seen parodied on Saturday Night Live ("I'm Gumby, dammit!"). But from what I've seen, Stephen Colbert really nailed it in A Colbert Christmas, his Comedy Central Christmas special, which aired last night, although I can only imagine that his was a million times funnier, and that this time the humor was intentional. I would even go out on a limb and call it a new holiday staple, like A Christmas Story, although I don't know if I'd want it to play 24 hours in a row. Here are the five funniest moments from last night's airing.

On tonight's episode of My Name is Earl, Jason Priestley makes a guest appearance, the latest in a string of high-profile guest-stars that have been on the show, including David Arquette, Seth Green, Jenna Elfman and that dude from Children of the Corn. We asked Jason about his guest stint as Earl's cousin, then snuck in the requisite 90210 questions, since he's directing an upcoming episode of the show, and also because he was a dreamboat on the original who made sideburns cool again.

So there I was, just sitting there, minding my own business and watching an alternately hilarious and syrupy-sweet episode of How I Met Your Mother, when who should walk into Marshall's office but Jack Arnold-- I'm sorry, I mean Dan Lauria! I hadn't seen him in anything since he gruffly tolerated his son Fred Savage on The Wonder Years, so his appearance as Marshall's supervisor at Barney's corporation was a bit of a shock. To be honest, I didn't realize that he was still alive. However, looking at his resume, I realize that I've been missing him left and right. The man stays busy. I haven't seen any of his guest appearances on Psych and SVU, although I vaguely remember him as the football coach on Smallville, and I'm definitely going to see him as Commissioner Dolan in the Spirit movie. So bravo, Dan Lauria, for staying busy. And bravo, HIMYM, for hiring him. Here's hoping he's a recurring character.

Dear Miley,

I read that you have extended an invite to Malia and Sasha Obama to come and guest on your dumb Hannah Montana show, and I have this to say: Step away from the Obamas. They are perfect and beautiful and classy and they don't need your tarty Disney Lolita germs and bad highlights polluting their purity. They don't need your stupid horse teeth blinding them or your fake rock music clogging up their pristine ears and brains. They don't need to look to you as a role model or a style icon, because you are trashy and fake and completely unwholesome. You can quit it with trying to court them now that their dad is about to be president and ruler of the free world, cuz I bet you your dad voted for McCain. Just because they enjoy your television show (it is slightly hypnotizing) doesn't make it appropriate for you to try to get in your bid for tween ambassador to the White House. Just stop it. I am serious.

Signed,

A totally not anonymous concerned citizen