The Telefile
Demystifying The Highly Complex A-List Awards

Wheeee! It's A-List Awards voting time again! As you might recall from last year, Bravo's one and only award show (known to TWOPpers as the Bravo Prom) is the premiere show in which things I actually care about get nominated and awarded. We're talking categories like Chef Who Does The Awesomest Things With Pork Products (a.k.a. A-List Chef) and -- literally -- A-List Kate, which is described as an award "Given to the Kate with the mostest" featuring nominees from Kate Moss to Katy Perry to Mary-Kate Olsen (yeah I guess they're pretty loose with their acceptance criteria). In sum: Best. Awards. Show. Ever. And as always, it's going to be hosted by everyone's favorite trash-talkin' redhead, Kathy Griffin. This fabulous beeswax will film April 5, but you can cast your vote now if you go to this place here. You've got 'till March 31. Conflicted about who to vote for? After the jump are the categories and nominees, along with my annotated picks. Because I love you.

A-List TV Show: The freshest, most creative and innovative television program, be it comedy or drama, on-air in the past year.

Gossip Girl
Mad Men
The Office
30 Rock
True Blood

Wow. I'm real torn here. Except for The Office, which has been boring the hell out of me lately, I'd say they're all worthy. But Mad Men has inspired an all-out cultural trend and made the most overall impact. So it wins.

A-List Actor (Female): Awarded to an actress in a scripted series whose character portrayal in the last year has moved, delighted, amused, enthralled and entertained us more than any other actress on television.

Christina Applegate, Samantha Who
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
January Jones, Mad Men
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds
Chloe Sevigny, Big Love

What? No Christina Hendricks? Fine. Tina it is. Not to be all conformist, but you know it's true. Bitch is hilarious.

A-List Actor (Male): Awarded to an actor in a scripted series whose character portrayal in the last year has moved, delighted, amused, enthralled and entertained us more than any other actress on television.

David Duchovny, Californication
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Julian McMahon, Nip/Tuck
Hugh Laurie, House

I love me some St. Neil, but this one goes to Duchovs for his lovable portrayal of a drunken sex addict. Sure, he's just playing himself, but he does it with panache.

A-List Style (Male): Awarded to the celebrity who is always on the best-dressed list.

David Beckham
Anderson Cooper
Daniel Craig
Justin Timberlake
Kanye West

Anderson Cooper? Really? He only ever wears suits. Lame. Much as I hate to award this to God's Gift To All of Humanity In His Own Mind, Kanye really knows how to artfully mismatch.

A-List Style (Female): Awarded to the celebrity who is always on the best-dressed list.

Anne Hathaway
Scarlett Johansson
Michelle Obama
Gwen Stefani

The obvious (and most politically correct) choice is Mrs. President, but I'm bucking trends and defying expectations in favor of RiRi, who's always amazingly turned out despite .... ah, shall we say, personal setbacks.

A-List Funny: Awarded to the funniest of funny, the top of the heap, the cool of comedy.

Tina Fey
Ricky Gervais
Chelsea Handler
Conan O'Brien
Amy Poehler

Sorry, Tina. You're not allowed any more wins. This one goes to Gervais. Have you guys seen his comedy special?

A-List Break Out: Presented to the celebrity who officially broke out this year.

Rosemarie DeWitt (Mad Men, Rachel Getting Married)
Malia and Sasha Obama
Katy Perry
Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)
Robert Pattinson (Twilight)

If I have to utter the words "Katy Perry" once more I will officially lose my mind. Whoops. Mind: lost. Props to the Obama-ettes and R-Pat's mystical forest hair, but Rosemarie DeWitt, after her sweet turns in the aforementioned shows plus her recurring role in United States of Tara, totally deserves this puppy.

Sexiest TV Moment: Presented to the couple that made our windows steamy and our TVS fog up.

Gossip Girl - Chuck & Blair in the limo
The L Word - Elevator scene
Lost - Sawyer and Kate on the chopper
The Office - Dwight and Angela
True Blood - Bill and Sookie's Love Scene

Those who know me will be shocked that I'm not picking my favoritest couple of all time, Chuck and Blair. But for sheer hotness, I must err on the side of the insane supernatural awesomeness that was Bill and Sookie's coupling.

A-List Artist of the Year: Awarded to the artist that kept us coming back for more.

No Doubt
Katy Perry
Britney Spears
Kanye West

Gah. I'm refraining from referring a certain reformed Christian singer who tends toward arriving at red carpets dressed in '50s pinup gear so as to avoid an aneurysm. But damned if she doesn't write the most infuriatingly addictive pop songs. Damn you to hell, She Who Must Not Be Named!

A-List Album: Presented to the album that rocked our year.

Beyonce, I Am...Sasha Fierce
Coldplay, Viva La Vida
MGMT, Oracular Spectacular
Britney Spears, Circus
Kanye West, 808s & Heartbreak

Screw Mickey Rourke, Britney is the comeback kid, and the album is so dancey-digestible that I'm even willing to forgive her ill-conceived song title acronyms that make no sense.

A-List Download: Given to the song that kept you dancing.

Beyonce, Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)
Britney Spears, Circus
Coldplay, Viva La Vida
Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake, 4 Minutes
Katy Perry, I Kissed a Girl

Sasha Fierce's stupid girl power anthem wins by a longshot, if only because it indirectly brought Shane Mercado into the public eye, for which I will be eternally grateful.

A-List Designer: Presented to a fashion designer who has proven to be a tried and true trendsetter and taste maker.

Derek Lam
Zac Posen
Nina Ricci
Jason Wu

I don't really give a rat's ass about any of these dumdums, but I suppose Oliver Theysken's innovations at Nina Ricci are okay, cuz they feature lots of yellow, which is my favorite color.

A-List Celebrity Designer: Presented to the celebrity whose designs we can't get enough of.

Victoria Beckham - dVb Denim
Sean Combs - Sean John
Gwen Stefani - L.A.M.B.
Justin Timberlake - William Rast
Kanye West - Kanye Louis Vuitton Shoes

Thanks for your help, Posh, but "cheap stripper from Jersey" isn't really the look I'm going for. Gwen's cute-ass duds are by far the best on this list.

A-List Kate: Given to the Kate with the mostest.

Kate Beckinsale
Cate Blanchett
Kate Bosworth
Katie Holmes
Kate Hudson
Kate Jackson
Kate Moss
Katy Perry
Mary-Kate Olsen
Kate Winslet

Cate Blanchett wins purely on the basis of her maddeningly gorgeous complexion.

A-List Abs: Awarded to the 6-pack that you can drink in without taking in a calorie.

Christian Bale
Tyson Beckford
David Beckham
Hugh Jackman
Matthew McConaughey

Bale's scary, Jackman's hairy, Tyson's beefy and Matthew's stone-y. That leaves Becks, with whom I'd be glad to procreate any old day of the week if I wasn't terrified of Posh's bitchface and ice-breaker stilettos.

A-List Celebrity Autobiography: Presented to the celebrity that most would like to read about.

Eminem, The Way I Am
Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking
Steve Martin, Born Standing Up
Maureen McCormack, Here's The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady
Tori Spelling, sToriTelling

Who doesn't love a lush, reformed or otherwise? Tori's stories might be the most tawdry but Carrie's actually a good writer, and funny to boot. Win-win.

Reality's Guiltiest Pleasure: Presented to the most popular and entertaining individual in a reality TV series.

The Girls Next Door, The Girls Next Door
Kim Kardashian, Keeping Up with the Kardashians
NeNe Leakes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Bret Michaels, Rock of Love
Gretchen Rossi, The Real Housewives Of Orange County

If this category was just for Best Weave, it would really be a toss-up. But I am fully hypnotized by Kim Kardashian's derriere. It's mystical!

A-List Celebrity Restaurateur: Presented to the celebrity whose restaurant is more than just a fun place to hang out, it tastes good, too.

Ryan Gosling - Tagine, Beverly Hills
Ashton Kutcher - Geisha House, Dolce, Ketchup
Eva Longoria Parker - Beso, LA
Rose McGowan, Ben Harper, Laura Dern - Dominick's, LA
Sandra Bullock - Bess Bistro, Austin

HA! Who the HELL would want to eat at Rose McGowan's restaurant? It probably serves vampire steaks and Overindulged Asshole stew. Yumm. I'm going with Gosling, because he seems like the one with the most reliable taste of this bunch. (Rachel McAdams was so cute, right?)

A-List Chef: Presented to a chef who has shown the greatest ingenuity and creativity with his or her culinary creations.

Grant Achatz - Alinea, Chicago, Ill.
David Chang-Ko - Momofuko, N.Y.
Todd English - Beso, Olives
Koren Grieveson - Avec, Chicago, Ill.
Gavin Kaysen - Café Boulud, N.Y.

New Yorkers and foodies everywhere have been all over David Chang's ass for entirely too long. I know Grant's scenester status is a few years old, but he still wins for his inventiveness, soft-spokenness and ability to kick cancer's ass.

A-List Restaurant: Awarded to the restaurant that has put itself on the map as the most delectable eatery in the United States.

Anthos, N.Y.
Beso, Los Angeles, Calif.
Ko, N.Y.
The Publican, Chicago, Ill.
Scarpetta, N.Y.
Cochon, New Orleans, La.

The Publican's unpretentious Midwestern charm (pork and beer and pork and beer) and impressive foodie pedigree had me at "artisanal ham plate."

A-List Innovation: Presented to the accessory we can't leave home without and would stand in line for.

Bugatti Veyron
4th Gen iPod Nano
New MacBook
Samsung Blu-Ray Player
Sony Vaio P series

Is this English? Since the MacBook is the only gadget I recognize, it wins.

A-List Hotel: Awarded to the hotel that has put itself on the map for the place to visit.

101 Hotel, Reykjavik
Faena Hotel, Barcelona
The Gramercy Hotel, NYC
The Standard Highline, NYC
Haymarket Hotel, London

When I went to Iceland four years ago, I fantasized about staying at 101 Hotel in Reykjavik (instead of my weird, out-of-the-way hostel that served shark for breakfast.) That place is like dying and waking up in design-geek heaven.

Chime in with your picks and vote, goddammit!




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