When you watch the MTV Movie Awards, you can be sure of two things: 1) the producers will do everything in their power to try to entertain you, and 2) they won't always succeed. Whether celebrities are trying to be funny or simply trying to pretend they care about this perennially late-to-the-party awards show -- voted on by MTV viewers, no less -- you're pretty much guaranteed at least a dozen or so moments that make you cringe in spite of yourself. What follows are the ten most cringe-worthy moments from the May 31st broadcast, in order of how deep into our couch we tried to burrow to escape them.
10. Andy Samberg Starts With Farts
After the requisite "inserting the host into the year's biggest films" video, Samberg showed us what to expect from the rest of the night by leading off with a fart joke. Apparently, the theater was a safe zone, where you could do whatever you wanted, even fart. He specifically called out Leighton Meester and Soulja Boy, saying they could fart away. Meester looked amused. Soulja Boy did not. We were with Soulja Boy on that one.
9. Least Desirable Sound Editor
Coming back from a commercial, Andy informed us that the award for Most Desirable Sound Editor had been given out while we were gone. We then cut to the winner, "Carl Berman" (played by I Love You Beth Cooper's Paul Rust), who proceeded to hump his golden popcorn trophy interminably, shouting "Yeeeahh!" "What?" and "Shut up!" over and over and over again. And they kept cutting back to him. We missed the rest of the show, because we had gouged our eyes out.
8. Shia LaBeouf Goes Off-Roading
In presenting the nominees for best fight, LaBeouf blazed his own verbal trail, clearly ad-libbing, and even pausing to point at the teleprompter and say that he doesn't know what it says "over there." He stumbled and slurred his way through his introduction, which more or less amounted to, "There's brides vs. brides, vampire fights, it's outrageous!" Ease off the pain meds, Speed Racer.
7. Ryan Reynolds Calls Sandra Bullock a Man
Presenting the Best Kiss nominees, Sandra Bullock noted that two of them were guy-on-guy, and recommended that Ryan start looking for parts where he would have to kiss a man. He immediately said, "Didn't I do that with you?" Bullock immediately asked what that was supposed to mean, and even Reynolds was hard-pressed to explain the joke. Bullock repeated "What does that mean?" a couple more times, and sounded like a doddering old woman, reminding us that she has 12 years on her Proposal love interest.
6. Cameron Diaz's "Adult Movies."
My Sister's Keeper co-stars Cameron Diaz, Abigail Breslin and Sofia Vassilieva came out to present for Best Female Performance, and the two young actresses praised Diaz for being a great adult actress. They said they'd seen all of her adult films, and Diaz laughed and tried to correct them, and it was generally awkward. ...Understandable, since a simple Google search will bring up Diaz's early days making bondage films. A little too close to home, if you ask me.
5. Jim Carrey's Acceptance Speech
When Carrey went up on stage to accept his award for Best Comedic Performance, he pretended that he was tongue-tied, setting off an internal monologue in which he tried to think of something to say and pointed out the strained smiles on presenters Danny McBride and Will Ferrell's faces, which I think were real. Finally, he blurted out a swine flu joke that was so two weeks ago. Definitely not worth sitting through that entire, often-used bit.
4. The Disney Pubic Hair Test
Presenting an award with Vanessa Hudgens, Jonah Hill revealed that he almost had the Zac Efron role in High School Musical, but he failed the "Disney pubic hair test." Was that a sly suggestion that Efron and other Disney heartthrobs have no pubic hair, or a thinly-veiled reference to Hudgens' full bush in her scandalous nude photos? You be the judge! No, we'll be the judge -- inappropriate!
3. Yo, Hayden Panettiere Raps
When they announced that the Heroes starlet would be presenting with Big Pak, we had to do a double-take, since the only song to his name is the 35-piece Orbit Gum jingle. Still, we would have sat through a whole Big Pak set if it meant we didn't have to hear Panettiere bust rhymes and curse a blue streak. Stick to cheerleading and dolphin-saving, H.P.
2. Bruno 69ing Eminem
Yes, it was hysterical. Yes, Eminem should have expected something like this. And yes, the rapper may be a teensy bit homophobic. But still, dropping an ass-less pants wearing Icarus into the lap of a possibly homophobic guest seemed like bad manners on MTV's part, not to mention a recipe for disaster. And it was: Eminem stormed out, and Zac Efron looked on in bewilderment as he accepted his award with zero fanfare. We don't blame Eminem for leaving. If Sacha Baron Cohen put his balls on our chin, we'd leave, too. [June 2 update: Reliable sources are reporting that the entire bit, from beginning to end, was staged. We stand by our original point: balls, chin, cringe.]
1. Any Time the Twilight Cast was on Stage
We thought nobody could top Pattinson's brooding over his inescapable fame last year at the height of Twilight mania, but Kristin Stewart, with her untamed nest of hair, Chuck Taylors and wooden delivery, managed to make him look downright ebullient through her indifference. First she totally punked us on seeing a live Edward/Bella kiss, then she mumbled her way through introducing the New Moon clip, then she dropped her Golden Popcorn waving it around one-handed. Pattinson wasn't much better, and at one point we think he said he had something coming out of his pants that would prevent him from receiving any more awards. Hell, Taylor Lautner was the happiest to be there of the bunch. We don't know who crapped in these kids' cornflakes, but we've never seen two people more resentful of fame and adoration. Watching them on stage is like watching someone visit the dentist. If the paparazzi are invading your space, that's one thing, but if you're at an event, accepting an award given to you by your legions of fans, you comb your hair, speak the hell up and hold onto that award with both hands.
What was your favorite moment from the Movie Awards? Least favorite? Most shocking? Let us know below.
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