Shelley Long's joining Modern Family, Ted Danson creeps us out on Damages (and is also in Bored to Death) and Michael J. Fox is on Rescue Me. It's like the '80s are invading our TVs! But even as the invasion is going on, some of our favorite soldiers are missing in action -- where are these '80s TV favorites, all of whom have had spotty appearances since their heyday? Here's a list of '80s stars who are ripe for a comeback.

The Jonas Brothers may have hosted the show, but I swear Miley Cyrus was on stage more than anybody, even Robert Pattinson. Accepting awards, lightly pole dancing, "honoring" her "hero" Britney, lip-synching to somebody's plugged-in iPod (how is it possible to sound so bad while lip-synching? My vocal cords hurt for her), blessing us like the teen pope she is, talking to that mop-headed micromachine fast-talking guy, selling us Max Azria for Wal-Mart and on and on and on. Why bother even having somebody else host it? They should have just made Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and the JoBros line up on stage while Miley went down the row and sang, "Look at this guy!" over and over at them for two hours. It would have been much more efficient, yet still exactly the same show.

Surprise. Jon and Kate Gosselin are getting a divorce. What? This isn't a surprise to you because you've seen the war between them unfolding in the tabloids over the last few months? Yeah. Their much-hyped "big announcement" where they said they were officially separated wasn't really a big surprise. Personally, I would have been more surprised if they announced that they were ending the show to save their marriage, but after watching them bicker through this season, that probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Some people just aren't meant to be together forever, and these two have seemed to have some issues for a long time. But now the big question is what will happen with the TLC series Jon & Kate Plus 8, and what will happen with the kids?

We all knew it was coming, but now good sources are saying it might really be true: Izzie and George -- aka Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight are leaving Seattle Grace Grey's Anatomy. After all the smack-talking and gay bashing behind the scenes, and what with the recent "Izzie's seeing dead people" plot line, it was only a matter of time before Heigl got ousted, and it figures that she's taking her BFF with her because, duh, Hollywood is middle school with a slightly better wardrobe and less acne.

Oooooh, HBO is going all sorts of highbrow and getting Martin Scorsese to direct Empire, a new series about the glamorous days of 1920s Atlantic City [guffaw]. Now that Marty's former bitch Leo has decided to graduate to bigger and better things, it seems Scorsese has tapped a new place holder in the form of Michael Pitt, whom I always thought was sort of a poor man's Leo anyway. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Steve Buscemi will star as some bootlegger named Nucky Johnson and Pitt will play his protegee.

I have a bone to pick with you, Sesame Street. I'll give you the Feist sing-along skit -- who can really eff with "1 2 3 4 Monsters Walking 'Cross the Floor"? And I'll most assuredly give you St. Neil as the Shoe Fairy because, um, genius? But what's all this celeb-courting, high-concept, vaguely inappropriate biznass of late? When you have Kim Cattrall invoking her sexed up cougar incarnation Samantha Jones in close proximity to Oscar's trash can, I can't help but wonder if things have gone a little too far. Playing up to the parents is nothing new -- cuz really, is a kid who doesn't yet know how to control his bowels gonna get a 30 Rock parody? -- but when we have Jonah Hill, who is known nearly exclusively for playing sailor-mouthed stoners, waxing poetic about mustaches that look like outtakes from a seventies porno, it's time to rein it the hell in. What sorts of values are we teaching kids when a talking cake tries to make out with Jessica Alba? US Weekly will have them in a death vice soon enough. Does the one unspoiled place where a kid can hang out with monsters and learn to tie his shoes in peace need to beat the trashy tabs to the punch?

Miley Cyrus recently told the world that she would like to make a younger, cleaner Sex and the City, you know, for kids! This makes no sense to me. A younger, cleaner Sex and the City? I don't understand. First of all, are the characters in high school, like Miley? And are they country like Miley? So instead of being glamorous publicists, art gallery fancypants, high-powered lawyers and sex columnists, they'll be, like, part-time at Hot Dog on a Stick?

Underwhelmed by the so-not-surprising- I-can't-even-believe-people-are-reporting-it news that Miley Cyrus will be hosting Fox's "Teen Choice 2008" this August, I've compiled a concise list of more compelling things I could do instead. Drumroll!

The recruiting process for a show like Celebrity Rehab is much more discriminating than you might imagine. Like The Surreal Life and other reality shows of its ilk, CR requires a very specific mix of celebrities who fall into precise pop culture-based categories. The more a categories a celeb belongs to, the more incentive, to my mind, there is to cast him or her (and the more likely he or she will be to provoke all manner of drama on the show). Taking cues from last season's diverse lineup, I've devised a crib sheet of pre-req's that stars must satisfy to be eligible for the show from here on out.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck named her new son Taylor Thomas. She can't act like she's never heard of Jonathan Taylor Thomas; you just know his ass shows up at every ABC party, begging to cameo on Desperate Housewives and filling his pockets with free shrimp. But anyway, if this is the way Bitsy wants to play it, and assuming she's as big a SuperChristian as she says and plans to have a bunch more kids, here are a few suggestions as to what to call her next child(ren):

• Topanga Hasselbeck
• Linn-Baker Hasselbeck
  
• Mowry Hasselbeck
• Salem The Cat Hasselbeck
• Urkel Hasselbeck