As an actual guy with kids, I feel I can say with some authority that NBC's new Jimmy Fallon-created sitcom Guys with Kids is terrible. Say what you will about the uneven first season of Up All Night -- the network's other baby-centric comedy -- but in its best episodes that show nailed the details of new parenthood in a way that was both identifiable and hilarious. Guys with Kids, on the other hand, feels like it was conceived by a team who have never met a child, let alone watched a good sitcom before.

Because we need a celebrity version of everything, ABC has ordered Celebrity Wife Swap, wherein celebrities from opposing walks of life will switch spouses for a week in the same chaste extended key party format as the regular people edition -- but better! Rumor has it the show is gunning for SNL alum and noted homophobe Victoria Jackson for an episode, so I think it's safe to say they're really reaching for the crazy stars here. And since I live to help the networks with these kinds of things, here are some fun swap ideas I know I for one would watch the hell out of.

When news broke last week that Jo Frost, Supernanny extraordinaire, had quit her show so she could go on dates and one day make her own hyperactive brood of kids to rehabilitate, we wondered: who could possibly replace her as the leading TV child therapist? After thinking long and hard on it, the following people are the highly appropriate and extremely qualified candidates we came up with.

Watching the Teen Choice Awards is a strange thing to do as a childless adult. It's an alternating mix of feeling old because I know who some of the people are because of my job but am not quite sure what their deal is (Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are like that), and feeling immature because I can't help but get way too excited about Zefron and seeing the Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries casts in sparkly outfits with hairdos and whatnot. And when neither of those things are happening I'm just being made uncomfortable by grown-ups trying to play down to kids, which is so awkward, and I don't even think kids like it -- I know I didn't like it when I was a kid. And then there's Katy Perry, who's just the most disgusting thing in the world, mugging for the camera at every turn in little high-school fantasy outfits. In short, it was a nightmare. Here are the noteworthy happenings from two of the weirdest hours of my life.

Shelley Long's joining Modern Family, Ted Danson creeps us out on Damages (and is also in Bored to Death) and Michael J. Fox is on Rescue Me. It's like the '80s are invading our TVs! But even as the invasion is going on, some of our favorite soldiers are missing in action -- where are these '80s TV favorites, all of whom have had spotty appearances since their heyday? Here's a list of '80s stars who are ripe for a comeback.

The Jonas Brothers may have hosted the show, but I swear Miley Cyrus was on stage more than anybody, even Robert Pattinson. Accepting awards, lightly pole dancing, "honoring" her "hero" Britney, lip-synching to somebody's plugged-in iPod (how is it possible to sound so bad while lip-synching? My vocal cords hurt for her), blessing us like the teen pope she is, talking to that mop-headed micromachine fast-talking guy, selling us Max Azria for Wal-Mart and on and on and on. Why bother even having somebody else host it? They should have just made Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and the JoBros line up on stage while Miley went down the row and sang, "Look at this guy!" over and over at them for two hours. It would have been much more efficient, yet still exactly the same show.

Surprise. Jon and Kate Gosselin are getting a divorce. What? This isn't a surprise to you because you've seen the war between them unfolding in the tabloids over the last few months? Yeah. Their much-hyped "big announcement" where they said they were officially separated wasn't really a big surprise. Personally, I would have been more surprised if they announced that they were ending the show to save their marriage, but after watching them bicker through this season, that probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Some people just aren't meant to be together forever, and these two have seemed to have some issues for a long time. But now the big question is what will happen with the TLC series Jon & Kate Plus 8, and what will happen with the kids?

We all knew it was coming, but now good sources are saying it might really be true: Izzie and George -- aka Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight are leaving Seattle Grace Grey's Anatomy. After all the smack-talking and gay bashing behind the scenes, and what with the recent "Izzie's seeing dead people" plot line, it was only a matter of time before Heigl got ousted, and it figures that she's taking her BFF with her because, duh, Hollywood is middle school with a slightly better wardrobe and less acne.

Oooooh, HBO is going all sorts of highbrow and getting Martin Scorsese to direct Empire, a new series about the glamorous days of 1920s Atlantic City [guffaw]. Now that Marty's former bitch Leo has decided to graduate to bigger and better things, it seems Scorsese has tapped a new place holder in the form of Michael Pitt, whom I always thought was sort of a poor man's Leo anyway. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Steve Buscemi will star as some bootlegger named Nucky Johnson and Pitt will play his protegee.

I have a bone to pick with you, Sesame Street. I'll give you the Feist sing-along skit -- who can really eff with "1 2 3 4 Monsters Walking 'Cross the Floor"? And I'll most assuredly give you St. Neil as the Shoe Fairy because, um, genius? But what's all this celeb-courting, high-concept, vaguely inappropriate biznass of late? When you have Kim Cattrall invoking her sexed up cougar incarnation Samantha Jones in close proximity to Oscar's trash can, I can't help but wonder if things have gone a little too far. Playing up to the parents is nothing new -- cuz really, is a kid who doesn't yet know how to control his bowels gonna get a 30 Rock parody? -- but when we have Jonah Hill, who is known nearly exclusively for playing sailor-mouthed stoners, waxing poetic about mustaches that look like outtakes from a seventies porno, it's time to rein it the hell in. What sorts of values are we teaching kids when a talking cake tries to make out with Jessica Alba? US Weekly will have them in a death vice soon enough. Does the one unspoiled place where a kid can hang out with monsters and learn to tie his shoes in peace need to beat the trashy tabs to the punch?