I have a bone to pick with you, Sesame Street. I'll give you the Feist sing-along skit -- who can really eff with "1 2 3 4 Monsters Walking 'Cross the Floor"? And I'll most assuredly give you St. Neil as the Shoe Fairy because, um, genius? But what's all this celeb-courting, high-concept, vaguely inappropriate biznass of late? When you have Kim Cattrall invoking her sexed up cougar incarnation Samantha Jones in close proximity to Oscar's trash can, I can't help but wonder if things have gone a little too far. Playing up to the parents is nothing new -- cuz really, is a kid who doesn't yet know how to control his bowels gonna get a 30 Rock parody? -- but when we have Jonah Hill, who is known nearly exclusively for playing sailor-mouthed stoners, waxing poetic about mustaches that look like outtakes from a seventies porno, it's time to rein it the hell in. What sorts of values are we teaching kids when a talking cake tries to make out with Jessica Alba? US Weekly will have them in a death vice soon enough. Does the one unspoiled place where a kid can hang out with monsters and learn to tie his shoes in peace need to beat the trashy tabs to the punch?

Miley Cyrus recently told the world that she would like to make a younger, cleaner Sex and the City, you know, for kids! This makes no sense to me. A younger, cleaner Sex and the City? I don't understand. First of all, are the characters in high school, like Miley? And are they country like Miley? So instead of being glamorous publicists, art gallery fancypants, high-powered lawyers and sex columnists, they'll be, like, part-time at Hot Dog on a Stick?

Underwhelmed by the so-not-surprising- I-can't-even-believe-people-are-reporting-it news that Miley Cyrus will be hosting Fox's "Teen Choice 2008" this August, I've compiled a concise list of more compelling things I could do instead. Drumroll!

The recruiting process for a show like Celebrity Rehab is much more discriminating than you might imagine. Like The Surreal Life and other reality shows of its ilk, CR requires a very specific mix of celebrities who fall into precise pop culture-based categories. The more a categories a celeb belongs to, the more incentive, to my mind, there is to cast him or her (and the more likely he or she will be to provoke all manner of drama on the show). Taking cues from last season's diverse lineup, I've devised a crib sheet of pre-req's that stars must satisfy to be eligible for the show from here on out.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck named her new son Taylor Thomas. She can't act like she's never heard of Jonathan Taylor Thomas; you just know his ass shows up at every ABC party, begging to cameo on Desperate Housewives and filling his pockets with free shrimp. But anyway, if this is the way Bitsy wants to play it, and assuming she's as big a SuperChristian as she says and plans to have a bunch more kids, here are a few suggestions as to what to call her next child(ren):

• Topanga Hasselbeck
• Linn-Baker Hasselbeck
  
• Mowry Hasselbeck
• Salem The Cat Hasselbeck
• Urkel Hasselbeck