Underwhelmed by the so-not-surprising- I-can't-even-believe-people-are-reporting-it news that Miley Cyrus will be hosting Fox's "Teen Choice 2008" this August, I've compiled a concise list of more compelling things I could do instead. Drumroll!

The recruiting process for a show like Celebrity Rehab is much more discriminating than you might imagine. Like The Surreal Life and other reality shows of its ilk, CR requires a very specific mix of celebrities who fall into precise pop culture-based categories. The more a categories a celeb belongs to, the more incentive, to my mind, there is to cast him or her (and the more likely he or she will be to provoke all manner of drama on the show). Taking cues from last season's diverse lineup, I've devised a crib sheet of pre-req's that stars must satisfy to be eligible for the show from here on out.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck named her new son Taylor Thomas. She can't act like she's never heard of Jonathan Taylor Thomas; you just know his ass shows up at every ABC party, begging to cameo on Desperate Housewives and filling his pockets with free shrimp. But anyway, if this is the way Bitsy wants to play it, and assuming she's as big a SuperChristian as she says and plans to have a bunch more kids, here are a few suggestions as to what to call her next child(ren):

• Topanga Hasselbeck
• Linn-Baker Hasselbeck
  
• Mowry Hasselbeck
• Salem The Cat Hasselbeck
• Urkel Hasselbeck