The Telefile
Gruesome ANTM Predictions Another year, another bonkers America's Next Top Model premiere. I'd love to sit here and itemize every single batshit thing that happened on last night's two-effing-hour crazyfest, but we'd be here until the year 2752 and my supply of Eternal Life-giving Zima is dwindling by the day. Instead I've chosen to highlight fourt revelatory incidents from the incredibly long Cycle 12 debut and make predictions as to the long-term ramifications of these happenings so as to warn sensitive viewers about the potentially scary developments that this season has in store. Z snaps!

INCIDENT: As with all ANTM cycles, this one has a distinct (and highly ridiculous) theme. This year, it's Fierce Goddess of Greco-Roman Origins, as evidenced by the fact that the first segment of the show was shot at Caesar's Palace, the girls were forced to wear Grecian sandals and toga-ish dresses (mixing of metaphors!) and Tyra came to them in the incarnation of the Fierce Goddess, exclaiming that for 2,752.7 years (yes! She said that) she's ruled her kingdom of fierce and is ready to crown a successor (all the while backed by a phalanx of dudes dressed as Spartan warriors chanting "fierce" -- this show is nothing if not authentic!).
PREDICTION: In cycles past, all the competing models have been forced to sacrifice their egos, integrity and self-respect in the name of becoming... AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL! This time, in keeping with the Ancient World motif, there will be a literal sacrifice, in which the runner-up will be placed on an altar and Tyra will cut out her still-beating heart with a stone knife and eat it. Because cannibalism is soooo totally the new tranny black.

INCIDENT: Sandra breaks the Bitchfight seal not once, not twice, but three separate times! Within the first half-hour of the two hour premiere, Sandra got shove-y with Buffalo gangsta queen Angelea and got loud with her for rolling her eyes before the very first "goddess" shoot. Then she got into a pissing match with Senior Celia-zen about which bed she'd get, even though the fact that Celia won the Gold Key drawing meant that she could have any bed she damn well pleased. And finally, she told everyone in her room to shut the hell up and get out at 10:30 when she felt like it was time for bed, even though it would have made a lot more sense for HER to get the hell out, since she was in the minority who actually wanted to sleep and not gab about makeup and crap. Fascist! Love it.
PREDICTION: Sandra is definitely ascending the Asshole African Queen throne that this show has a habit of creating. ('Member Fatima?) Clearly the entire reason the producers judges kept her instead of Twitchy Isabella was for her polarizing potential. What they don't know is that that formidable bump on her forehead is a man-eating alien ready to hatch. Man are they gonna be sorry when it busts out of her cranium and eats Miss J whole!

INCIDENT: There's also always a token weirdo in the bunch. Last year, it was definitely a toss-up between Isis, shaky-bones Euro Marjorie and honorary Fight Club member McKey, and of course the season before it was Aspergers-haver Heather. This time around, it's not the seizure girl, the pen-collector or the burn victim. Nope, it's creepy wide-eyed horror movie Kewpie doll Allison, who sighs, "Jealous!" when Tyra mentions that she used to get nose-bleeds all the time as a young fierce goddess. This chick's obsession with blood and otherworldly blank stare makes her hands-down the nuttiest member of the Fabulous Posse. And yes, that includes Jesus Freak London.
PREDICTION: Each girl, one by one, will wake up with mysterious cuts on her arms and legs, and closed-circuit night-vision security footage will reveal that Allison of the Nocturnal Animal Eyes has been quietly slitting them in their sleep and playing with their blood. She'll get automatically disqualified, but immediately cast in the new Eli Roth movie, Fierce Hostel.

INCIDENT: Jay "Not Gay" Emanuel shows up to the girls' first shoot at Central Park inexplicably dressed as a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger and announces that they're on his turf now (and he's referring specifically to The Ramble).
PREDICTION: Jay gets caught in a compromising position peeping at Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker while he changes into his panel suit and is blackmailed into taking a position as Tyra's indentured servant in exchange for her silence. But to escape his eternal servitude, he dissolves into a pool of Alex Mack-ian radioactive goo and slithers down her sink drain while she showers and steams her weave. He reappears incognito in St. Barts and takes up with Simon McCord.

Read our ANTM recaps on the show page!




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