The Telefile
<i>Supernatural:</i> The Six Seals We Didn’t See

This season, Supernatural's hell-raising, demon-blooded and/or soul-torturing Brothers Winchester have been given a holy quest by the angel Castiel. (Yeah, I know, it seems kinda weird to us, too.) That quest? To stop the demon Lilith (Dean's killer) from opening the 66 seals binding the fallen angel Lucifer. (There are actually 600, but only 66 need to get popped.) While we've seen two of them -- the Rise of the Witnesses and the Summoning of Samhain -- apparently at least 34 have been opened off-screen, leading us to wonder what the heck they were and where the Winchesters were when it happened. Well, it turns out they actually tried to stop a bunch of them between episodes, with mixed results. We made some calls around the Hunter hotline and found out what went down recently with six of the seals.

1. The Sacrifice of the Birds
Sam did some research on this particular Seal, and found out that it needed to take place at a specific time and location -- namely, 3,200 feet above New York City. Not knowing how else to get to that altitude, Sam and Dean posed as balloon inspectors and "borrowed" a hot-air balloon to ascend to the proper location. As they leveled off at the assigned time, they saw a flock of birds coming towards them, and frantically looked around for the witch or demon that would do the sacrifice. At that point, U.S. Airways flight 1549 whipped past their balloon, and Dean was able to see Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger wrestling with his clearly demon-possessed co-pilot in the cockpit before the plane tore into the flock of birds, sucking several of them into its engines. Sullenberger managed to overpower the demon in time to land the disabled plane on the Hudson River below. The Winchesters, not being fully trained in hot-air balloon navigation, lazily drifted towards New Jersey.

2. The Breaking of the Banks
After investigating flooding rivers for a couple of weeks and finding no sign of the Seal, Sam found a mention in some ancient texts about "moneylenders." So he and Dean started checking out bank banks, noticing that one chain in particular was offering ridiculously low interest rates. Hoping to talk to one of the bank's loan officers, Sam and Dean filled out a mortgage application and were surprised to be offered the money almost immediately, despite the fact that the brothers had put down their names as Duane and Gregg Allman, their occupations as "Hunters" and their income as "N/A". Smelling something fishy, the pair splashed the officer with a little holy water, but it had no effect. Turns out the man wasn't a demon, simply part of a brotherhood of evil bankers seeking to give out as many unrepayable loans as possible, in order to put as many people out on the street as they could. Sam and Dean asked how they could stop it, and the banker said that it had been going on for years, and unless they were going to go around paying everybody's mortgage, then it was pretty much a done deal. Not really seeing any other option, the boys accepted the loan, and used it to buy themselves leather jackets.

3. The Birthing of the Eight
One night, when Sam went to bed early, Dean hung around the motel bar and had a couple -- okay, six more beers. Just then, a woman who looked exactly like Angelina Jolie came up to him and asked him if he wanted to go back to her room, and a thoroughly sloshed Dean agreed. The next morning, Dean woke up in a dank, fetid cave, bound to the wall by a slimy, web-like substance. From out of a tunnel crawled the woman from the night before, and without the benefit of alcohol, Dean found that she no longer resembled Angelina Jolie, but rather Angelina Jolie sloppily carved out of butter. Her belly was swollen with the brood that Dean had fathered the night before, and Dean could see them writhing and clawing under her skin. "Eight babies. Eight hungry babies," she said, as she unhinged her jaw to devour Dean, revealing rows of sharp fangs. Just then, Sam dropped from a hole in the ceiling with a can of DDT and a lighter, driving the spider-demon back into her tunnel with a geyser of flame. He then freed Dean from the web and the two of them gave chase, but they got lost in the extensive network of tunnels, one of which led to the parking garage of a busy shopping mall. By the time they found her again, "Nadya Suleman" was a national celebrity, and the birth of her octuplets was extensively recorded. Sam and Dean never spoke of it again.

4. The Watching of the Bowl
Sam could find little written about this Seal, except that it needed to be witnessed by as many intoxicated people as possible. The brothers finally beat the answer out of a warlock, who revealed that there would be hidden demonic transmissions in the Super Bowl XLIII broadcast, including chants woven into Bruce Springsteen's halftime show and images buried in the 3-D commercial for Monsters vs. Aliens. Sam and Dean considered stopping this event from occurring for about five seconds, then settled into a booth at the nearest Hooters to enjoy some Buffalo wings and beer and watch the Steelers walk all over the Cardinals, 27-23. And now they both totally want to see Monsters vs. Aliens.

5. The Selling of the Seat
Working over the Chicago underworld for a lead on this Seal, the brothers found a vampire who told them that it was "Blago's plan," and to ask him. Looking him up, Sam found out that Blago was a powerful demon, who had helped King Rodruza of Moldavia ascend the throne in 1388, and that Rodruza's throne was being auctioned off in Chicago that night. The boys rushed to the auction house, pulled the fire alarm to clear the building, torched the throne and split. They high-fived each other all the way back to the motel for a job well-done. Meanwhile, across town, Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald arrested Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich for trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat, which would actually have broken the Seal. Also, mail fraud.

6. The Premiere of The Spirit
After helping a friend who owns a comic book store deal with a pack of werewolves, Dean is given the gift of comic books -- he can't get into Watchmen ("Too pretentious"), but he loves The Spirit and Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, both of which feature men dying and coming back to life. Just like him! So when he hears that DKR writer Frank Miller is directing a movie about the Spirit, he's super-excited... until Castiel tells him that the movie is one of the Seals, and it must not be released. The brothers put on their suits, bust out their briefcases, and go knocking on the door at Lionsgate Entertainment, saying they're lawyers from 20th Century Fox and that they have distribution rights to The Spirit. Hoping to delay the release of the movie long enough to destroy every last print, Sam and Dean try to bluff their way through it, but eventually decide to just take the Lionsgate president hostage, go to the film distribution center and burn it down. There's one copy of the film left, and it's at the film's Los Angeles premiere, so they change into their tuxes and sneak in, saying they're theater inspectors. They're just about to burn the reels when Dean has a change of heart. He needs to see this movie. Sam starts to argue, but he can see that it's important to Dean, who's been having a rough time since he rose from the grave. So they sit in the back row of the theater and watch the movie. At the end of it, Sam asks Dean what he thought, but Dean wordlessly rises, goes to the doors, locks them from the outside and sets fire to the theater, destroying the film and killing everyone inside. Then he burns all of his comic books, curls into a ball and cries as Sam holds him and tells him that everything will be all right, even though he knows it's a lie.

Any other seals you guys've spotted? Post 'em here.




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