On the March 4 episode of Lost, we'll see what Sawyer, Jin, Juliet and the rest of the castaways have been up to since they stopped time-traveling and started playing Dharma Initiative. Were they really there for three actual years? At the very least, they must have been there long enough for Jin to get in the habit of rolling up on unwanted visitors in his pimpin' van and pulling a gat on them. Here's what we think's been going on down in Sawyerville since Locke made a deal and spun the wheel.

We're officially past the half-way mark for the maiden season of The City (does this show ever friggin' end?) and I'm still not convinced I give a French flip about our protagonist Whitney Port. Seems to me her only real function is to wear hideous outfits and stare blankly at her vastly more interesting friends, enemies, lovers, employers and cohorts. The problem with Whitney as I see it is that she seems like a relatively functional, stable human, and therein lies the reason she's so goddamned boring to watch. When someone crosses her, she doesn't freak out and smack a bitch. She doesn't plot revenge or cry 'til the mascara streams down her face. She calmly and maturely deals with it like a normal person. And I don't care how many porn shots of the good life in New York City the producers splice into this show, that makes for some dull-ass TV. Her cracked crew of friends and associates are all sorts of flawed, and that's why I'm proposing a handful of spin-offs that I'm hoping MTV will create so I don't have to look at Whitney's zombie stare anymore.

When SNL alums return to their alma mater, the results are a mixed bag. In the last few months, we saw the welcome return of Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin to hysterically witless effect. On the other hand, we were also forced to suffer through Steve Martin's one billionth hosting gig, which stretched out one gag (that he's a self-satisfied blow hard) for exactly one hour and twenty minutes too long. But news that Tracy Morgan will revisit his old stomping grounds on March 14 instantaneously made me jump up and down, clapping and making high-pitched screeching noises that can only be heard by dogs. In other words, hells to the yes! No one can meld childlike and gangsta quite like Tracy M. In anticipation of his guest spot, I've dug up some choice Hulu clips (sorry in advance to our European friends) of Tracy at his finest and I'm crossing my fingers that at least one of them will make a cameo when he shows up at SNL in a few weeks. Strangely, there were no clips of my favorite Tracy incarnation, Astronaut Jones, the smooth-talking, street-savvy space adventurer, so you'll have to peruse non-Hulu sources for those, but peep the rest and get jazzed for his upcoming appearance after the jump.

If you're like me, you've been marking the days 'til Amy Sedaris's return to the small screen. Sure, she's kept busy since the heyday of Strangers With Candy (a silver-screen adaptation of the show, a dramatic turn in the mawkishly indie flick Snow Angels, a wonderfully goofy role in the Nickelodeon made-for-TV movie The Gym Teacher and a hosting gig on PBS's multi-part comedy documentary Make 'Em Laugh), but on Monday, February 16, at 9 PM we'll get a little something more when she shows up on TNT's The Closer for the first of two episodes playing Brenda's soon-to-be-sister-in-law. We've seen clips of Sedaris playing Claire, a typically off-kilter vegan psychic (or as she prefers to call it, "intuitionist") and it's pretty sweet. She answered my (and a few other journos') prying questions from her apartment in New York, where her pet rabbit was sacked out on her bed. It was sort of a tight-lipped interview since the jerks at TNT only allowed for one question apiece with no follow-ups, but I managed to get her to open up about where Jerri Blank's been hiding all these years, among other things.

I admit that part of me wanted to hate United States of Tara. And after watching the first episode, I was pretty much ready to write it off as another twee, precocious Diablo Cody affair, all over-wrought pop culture references and schticky, trend-conscious plots. Sure, there was some of that. But the first episode of any series is a crapshoot, and there was a lot of ground to cover in establishing the universe of Tara Gregson and her "alters," Alice, T and Buck.

After almost 20 years playing Commander Riker on Star Trek: The Next Generation and its assorted spin-offs, Jonathan Frakes got used to being called "Number One." But it was while still on TNG that he took that nickname a step further, taking the helm as the director of several episodes and parlaying that into a successful directing career. With several Trek series, two Trek movies and two Librarian TV-movies under his belt, he recently took on two episodes of the new TNT series Leverage, and this week's episode guest-stars three of his old buddies from the Trek set. We talked to Commander Frakes about J.J. Abrams' new time-warping take on Trek, his mission to Mexico City to direct a Lost-esque series for Fox, and why he wants to be promoted to Captain... America.

Those of you hankering for a fashion fix, fear not. Bravo's readying a sexy new reality show tentatively titled The Fashion Show, in which undiscovered sartorial savants compete for a chance to be the next [insert incredibly overpriced fashion geeeeeeenius], brought to you by the folks who birthed such squawk box staples as The Biggest Loser and Beauty and the Geek.

Now it's time to put your money where your mouth is and help cast the final contestant. Think of it as Sophie's Choice, but with dresses!

After watching last night's hysterical Season 3 premiere of The IT Crowd, I started thinking about computer geeks on TV, and how there really aren't that many. There are a lot of science geeks, like the physicists of Lost and The Big Bang Theory, but usually it's all about the math, and all they need is a dry erase board. In honor of the unsung heroes of the keyboard (computer, not piano), I thought I'd run down some of my favorites, past and present.

Disgust. This was my reaction to news that Fox was mounting a remake of the cult Brit comedy Absolutely Fabulous starring Kristen Johnston and quite possibly Kathryn Hahn. Yes, what a perfectly wonderful idea: take a show beloved by audiences and endlessly imitated but never improved upon, and tart it up Fox-style with a couple of B-list American actors, some rejiggered plot-points and a misogynist marketing campaign. Because the Telefile is not equipped with emoticons or audio function (and because my editor made me), I'm not able to impart my visceral response to this development, which is probably for the best. Swearing is also discouraged. So I'm trying to sublimate my violent rage a bit with a methodical, rational list of the reasons why this is the worst idea in the history of the world. Or, you know, whatever.

Last year was without question the year of the vampire, what with Twilight and True Blood and the return of ruffly shirts. Some recent reports of a Sex and the City-style show about female werewolves called Bitches might have you thinking prematurely that the next supernatural trend on the horizon is our lupine friend, the he-wolf. But with today's news that ABC has greenlighted a series called Eastwick based on the 1987 Jack Nicholson film The Witches of Eastwick (to which I say hells yeah), I'm of the impression that we're cycling back to that reliable TV trope, the witch. Like bushy eyebrows or tapered jeans, the TV witch is a phenomenon that comes into and out of favor intermittently and is wholly at the mercy of fickle, mercurial home audiences. You can try to extrapolate a correlation between the economy and the incidence of small-screen sorceresses if you so choose. Or talk about how it's a sublimation of Hollywood's misogynistic leanings. I'm too lazy, so I'm just gonna list off my favorite harpies of all time. Pretend it's magic.