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The Telefile
Five Reasons <i>American Idol</i> Judges Are Nonsensical Hacks UGH! I could just about kill the judges on American Idol sometimes. Last night was almost unbearable in its utter stinkdom and proved to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that these people are effing hacks who know nothing about music. I might be the last person on Earth to discover this, and if you were planning to point that out to me, just shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. In an effort to apply the valuable lessons I've been learning in reading my bedside tome, Anger Management for Dummies, I'm going to attempt to put forth some clear, concise and well-reasoned issues I had with the things uttered by these fools last night so as to avoid blowing a damned gasket and having a spontaneous brain aneurysm from sheer rage. Bear with me.

1) Kara's criticism for Taylor was just completely and utterly ridiculous. From a musical perspective, she was one of the best performances of the night by a mile. Kara and Co. kept on reiterating that they didn't have a clear sense of who she was, but with the exception of, say, Nathaniel and Adam and some of the more conspicuous drama queens or the people with the really sad backstories (Scott, Danny), does anyone really know who these contestants are at this point? And on that note, does anyone else notice how when Kara is the first one to speak, she's totally at a loss as to what sort of feedback to give? Most of the time she ends up saying something completely innocuous and meaningless, and the other part of the time, she simply gloms on to whatever the other judges are saying. I dug her during the audition process 'cause it seemed like she had an actual point of view, but now she's more like a perky zombie than someone with any actual music expertise.

2) I get that people love Scott but are the judges really going to convince America that this dude deserves to go to the next round purely on the strength of his disability and overcoming the odds and all that stupid crap? He's not the worst singer ever, but his was definitely one of the weaker performances. And I don't care how likeable he is, that's not enough to justify his moving forward. If being likeable was the only criteria, my man Alex Wagner-Trugman would have the title in his pocket.

3) The fact that Randy kept on mistakenly comparing Nathaniel and his weird '80s work-out headband to Elton John when clearly what he meant was Olivia Newton-John (he even tried to name-check the song "Let's Get Physical," but he only got the "physical" part out of his mouth) was insanely infuriating. And Simon didn't even seem to notice his huge, glaring error. Yet he gave it to Paula for mispronouncing ABBA. Foul!

4) Paula to Kristen: "When you were in Hollywood, you sang a Kelly Clarkson song, 'Because of You.' That showed the range of your voice. That was what I expected from you. This song is a little more safe for you but what it does show is that you've got a helluva range." Ummm, what? So you're saying you wish she'd chosen a song that showed her range because that's what she did during Hollywood week, but at least this song showed her range. Gotcha. Good feedback, Googly Eyes!

5) Who here found it odd and disturbing that everyone kept insistently comparing Lil Rounds to Fantasia when her voice sounds absolutely nothing like hers? Was the comparison simply that she's a young black woman with a short haircut? Because wow. It seems like more often than not, the judges' only frame of references is previous Idol contestants, and half the time the comparisons aren't even apt. I still fail to see the similarities between Von and Clay, though Angel maintains that they dress a lot alike and have a similar "aw shucks" vibe to them. My point is, can we start name-checking some non-Idol artists now and again? If I hear one more Kelly Clarkson reference I'm gonna beat Randy over the head with a microphone stand. Jacob will help.

That said, when Simon referred to the "I would do anything for love but I just WON'T DO THAT" lyric in Nathaniel's Meatloaf cover by saying "Nathaniel, I think you probably would," it almost almost made up for the general fuckery of the evening. Way to say what me and the rest of America were thinking, Mr. Cowell.

Are you people as disgusted as little old moi about last night's judgments, or am I a fruit loop? Please advise in the comments.

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