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The Joan Rivers Roast: The Best One-Liners

by Mindy Monez August 10, 2009 8:33 am
The Joan Rivers Roast: The Best One-Liners You know how comedians always say that when they're around each other they have to pull out the most offensive material possible to make each other laugh? I guess these roasts are a televised example of that. And though last night may have been officially a roast of Joan Rivers, Robin Quivers got it the worst, hands down. I didn't include the trillions of jokes made about her father molesting her below, but holy crap! So many jokes about her father molesting her! Yikes!

Anyway, aside from that, the roast was fine, overall. These are always so predictable and repetitive, and I honestly don't think vaginas are as inherently hilarious as these people do, but there were some funny highlights. Here were the few jokes that actually made me laugh during the mind-numbingly lengthy roast last night.

"You've been stitched up thousands of times, but you're still sad to look at. You're like the AIDS quilt." -- Greg Giraldo, re: Kathy Griffin.

"Joan, you once said you succeeded by saying what everyone else was thinking. That's not true, I never heard you say 'Holy shit! What the fuck did I do to my face?!'" -- Greg Giraldo

"Robin, you look like a syrup bottle." -- Greg Giraldo, re: Robin Quivers.

"Brad Garrett must be excited to be roasting Joan Rivers. Usually, when he spends the night slamming an ugly old whore it costs Ray Romano 200 dollars." -- Tom Arnold

"I saw that movie you guys did together. Great TV movie about your lives. It was called Grey Gardens." -- Mario Cantone, on Joan and Melissa.

"I'm not trying to be judgmental. I just hate when someone uses a much more famous relative to further their career. Melissa -- that's my game, bitch." -- Tom Arnold

"This isn't a roast, it's an autopsy!" -- Jeffrey Ross, on Joan Rivers' age.

"It's Brad Garrett. At six-foot-eight, he is the biggest joke in show business." -- Kathy Griffin

"Joan, you've been called a bitch more times than a white guy serving a life sentence." -- Robin Quivers

"Joan, by the way -- loved you in Saw." -- Robin

"Oh my god, Kanye's mom had a better plastic surgeon." -- Jeffrey Ross, on Joan's face.

"Ohh, it's funny!" -- Joan, scolding the horrified crowd during Jeffrey Ross' set.

"Tonight is a benefit for Joan's favorite charity: Melissa." -- Jeffrey Ross

"Robin's vagina is like the first five minutes of a movie. It's never been seen by a black guy." -- Whitney Cummings, on Robin Quivers' infamous white guy fetish.

"Joan's vagina is so old it has a separate entrance for black cocks." -- Whitney Cummings

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