The Telefile
<i>Game of Thrones</i>: Our Weekly Westeros Scorecard

You're cordially invited to the the worst wedding (and wedding night) ever. Also, our highlights reel of Game of Thrones's eight episode, "Second Sons."

Most Convincing Sales Pitch: In an effort to persuade Arya to understand why he's not such a bad guy, the Hound launches into a lengthy list of things that other, less noble men might do to a virginal young woman such as herself and her sister. "There's men who like to beat little girls, men who like to rape them," he says, adding that he rescued Sansa from a mob that would have "taken every which way and left her there with her throat cut open." Well, when you put it like that, Clegane, you do sound positively house trained.

Most Titan-Sized Bastard: Mero a.k.a. the Titan's Bastard, one of the captains of the mercenary army the Second Sons, wastes little time living up to his nickname, introducing himself to Daenerys with the following bon mot: "You're the Mother of Dragons. I swear I fucked you once in a pleasure house in Lys." While that line gets gentleman soldier Jorah upset, Dany doesn't bat an eye at any of Mero's innuendos, including his invitation for her to "take your clothes off and come and sit on Mero's lap and I may give you my Second Sons." "Give me your Second Sons and I may not have you gelded," the Mother of Dragons retorts. Gorgeous, strategic and able to play rough with the big boys? Yeah... Daenerys is pretty much the perfect woman. But then, you already knew that.

Most Unexpected Family Reunion: Gendry's path continues to diverge from the one he took in the books as he came face-to-face with his half-uncle, Stannis, who took one look at dead Robert's bastard son and dismissively commented, "Half Robert, half low-born." We're guessing that Gendry won't be invited to the annual Baratheon BBQ then.

Least Convincing Sales Pitch: Trying to cheer Sansa up at the prospect of marrying a disfigured dwarf, Tyrion tries to tell her that once they are wed, she'll no longer be a prisoner forced to keep her commentary in check. "You won't be a prisoner after today -- you'll be my wife," he insists. But then he goes and undercuts his own argument by adding, "I suppose that's a different kind of prison." See, this is why grooms really shouldn't see their brides before the ceremony.

Worst Giver-Awayer: Since her father didn't live to see his eldest daughter forcibly married, his executioner, Joffrey, takes it upon himself to give Sansa away to his uncle. You just had to inflict one more act of torture upon the poor girl, huh Joff? We've said it before, but we really don't like you. Not one bit.

Best Reason to Convert: It's not just any religion where a knockout redhead slips you a glass of a delicious-tasting, non-poisoned alcoholic beverage and then proceeds to strip you to the waist before going the full monty herself and then pushing you down on a four post bed. "This doesn't seem very religious," Gendry weakly protests, as Melisandre shows him the benefits of following the path of the Lord of Light. Turns out it was too good to be true, of course, as the red-haired witch quickly trusses the poor guy up and collects his royal blood via a leech transfusion. Still less painful than adult circumcision, though.

Olenna's Best Smackdown: Leave it to the Queen of Thorns to sum up the complex family tree that will result from the impending marriages of Joffrey and Margaery and Loras and Cersei in the pithiest and funniest way possible. "So, their son will be your nephew after you're wed to Cersei, of course. And you will be the king's stepfather and brother-in-law. When you marry the king, Joffrey's mother will become his sister-in-law. And your son will be Loras's... nephew? Grandson? I'm not sure. But your brother will become your father-in-law, that much is beyond dispute." Clearly, she's auditioning to host the Westeros version of Who Do You Think You Are.

Most Bad-Ass Tyrion Moment: In an effort to regain his political and personal footing post-Blackwater, Tyrion has dialed his temper way down for much of the season. But he let his inner bad-ass slip through in glorious fashion following the wedding ceremony when snotty Joffrey called for the start of the bedding ceremony. His uncle made it clear that that tradition wouldn't be happening, underlining his point by stabbing his dagger into the table and saying, "You'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock." Not a moment later, he's playing it off as an act of drunkenness, but both he and his nephew know that Joff is lucky to be leaving the reception with his member intact.

Best Time to Take a Shot: Like most 14-year-old high-born girls, Sansa doesn't drink from the rivers of wine flowing through Westeros' finest castles. But considering that she's about to lose her virginity to a drunken Tyrion, it's hard to blame her for pouring herself a goblet and knocking it back, no doubt hoping it will dull the pain or, better still, make her pass out entirely.

Best Benedict Arnold: And just like that, the number of captains leading the Second Sons goes from three to one. Rather than go along with his colleagues' plan to off Daenerys, studly Daario Naharis offs them instead and brings the Queen her enemies' heads in the middle of her nighttime bath and then pledges his sword to hers. That's definitely one way to get an out-of-your-league girl to notice you.

The Alfred Hitchcock Award for Most Intimidating Use of Birds: As Sam and Gilly seek shelter from the storm (and bond over what to name Gilly's youngling), they're lured back outside by a loud cawing and emerge from their shelter to see the branches of the towering trees around them packed with crows. Those birds then fall completely and chillingly silent at the arrival of a white walker, which the portly Night's Watch soldier fells by stabbing in the back with his special dagger. When they flee, the crows follow. Too bad Sam didn't see fit to bring some birdseed with him.

Most Memorable Lines:
"Show me your cunt. I want to see if it's worth fighting for." -- Mero, trying one more time to intimidate Daenerys and failing miserably.
"Two meals a day -- cold for breakfast, hot for supper. I cannot complain." -- The ever level-headed Onion Knight, finding the silver lining in his current imprisonment.
"My cock will find a way. Tell him, is there any place that my cock can't reach?" -- Mero, clearly continuing to overcompensate for something. We can't imagine what.
"In Flea Bottom we called them bowls of brown. We'd pretend the meat in them was chicken. We knew it wasn't chicken." -- Gendry, explaining the culinary habits of his humble King's Landing 'hood.
"Nobody cares what your father once told you." -- Cersei, shutting down Loras's lame attempts at small talk but quick.
"If my father wants someone to get fucked, I know where he can start." -- Tyrion, finding it easier to disobey his dad when Tywin is out of sight.

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