It's a nice day for a red wedding and other highlights from "The Rains of Castamere," the penultimate episode of Game of Thrones' third season.
Most Overdue Request for Motherly Advice: After mostly ignoring Catelyn ever since she freed Jaime Lannister last season (a reckless act to be sure), the King in the North finally realized he needed some words of wisdom from his own Queen Mum, particularly after his blown call on the reliability of Theon. After being looped in on his plan to make amends with the Frey clan and then attack the Lannister stronghold of Casterly Rock, Catelyn outlines the potential perils of the strategy before giving the Young Wolf her seal of approval: "Show them how it feels to lose what they love." Oh, Catelyn. If only you knew how those words will come back to cut you in the throat.
Most Judgmental Groom: While Walder Frey is busy rattling off the names of his various daughters and granddaughters, Edmure is paying close attention to the faces (and forms) of each one, trying to figure out which hag he'll be married off to. Might want to check yourself there, Eddy. You're not all that much in the looks department either.
Worst Way to Greet the Missus: Walder Frey has already proven himself to be entirely disinterested in social niceties. Nevertheless, his salutations to Robb's wife Talisa were spectacularly rude, even for him. Sure, he started off well enough, complimenting Mrs. Young Wolf on her beauty. But things took a creepy turn when he started speculating on the body that lay beneath her clothing. "I bet when you take that dress off, everything stays right where it is," he slimes, adding, "Your king says he betrayed me for love. I say he betrayed me for firm tits and a tight fit." Honestly, though? He's not entirely wrong about that.
Most Fearless Taunter: You'd never know that Arya was the Hound's captive the way she treats the dangerous, disfigured killer of men, women and boys. First she manages to talk him out of adding another victim to his extensive body count, and then she actually pokes fun at the guy over his fear of fire. "When Beric's sword went up in flames, you looked like a scared little girl," teases the not-scared-at-all "little" girl. And was it just us or did Clegane actually look genuinely freaked out when Arya promised him that, "Someday, I'm going to put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull."
Spin-Off Movie We Most Want to See: Being Hodor, where Bran uses his warg powers to enter the mind of his hulking manservant for 15 minutes at a stretch and we finally have the chance to see what goes on inside that grey-haired head. Our biggest question: does he dream in Hodor-speak?
Least Effective Double Agent: After masquerading as a turncloak, Jon Snow's "I'm not a Night's Watch soldier anymore" act comes crashing down when he's unable to kill a horse breeder to prove his loyalty to the other wildlings and, most importantly, to Ygritte. The last she sees of her lover, he's fleeing the scene of his failure on a horse after killing several of her companions, including resident warg Orell. There are probably worse ways to end a romance, though none spring immediately to mind.
Most Effective Double Agent: Sellsword Daario, making good on his promise to betray the Yunkai guards and smuggle Jorah and Grey Worm into the city, followed by Daenerys's entire army in a siege that the production obviously didn't have the budget to shoot. Those dragons of hers cost money, doncha know.
Biggest Sigh of Relief: Still in the dark about what his wife is going to look like, Edmure waits with bated breath as Walder lifts the bride's veil, preemptively cringing at the sure-to-be-homely face lurking beneath. But guess what? Turns out the new Mrs. Tully -- whose name is Roslin, by the by -- is actually quite the looker. "I hope I'm not a disappointment to you," she says nervously. Considering that he was expecting to see a baboon under there, no, she's not a disappointment at all.
Most Overdue Departure: The baby of the surviving Stark children, Rickon, got more screentime last night that he has in all three seasons of the show. And the best part? It was because his useless toddler ass is finally being
kicked to the curb sent away for safe keeping. On the other hand, we're genuinely sorry to see Natalia Tena's Osha -- the best part of this otherwise plodding storyline -- depart at the same time to serve as the kid's guardian. Talk about your thankless tasks.
Most Unintentionally Truthful Line: Robb may only have been teasing when he told Talisa, "Perhaps I've made a terrible mistake" after she pointed out it could be him up there on the dais being fed blackberries by Roslin Frey. The sad thing is, marrying her really was a terrible mistake, one that that he'll pay for in three... two... one...
Most Obvious Sign Something Really, Really Bad Is About to Happen: As if you needed any further indication that the wedding feast was headed for a bloody end, Talisa's suggestion to Robb that they name their potential son and heir Eddard -- after his slain father -- pretty much sealed at least one (and, in the end, all) of their fates. Clearly, Westerosi movie theaters need to play more war films so the characters can catch these clichés ahead of time.
Worst Wedding Present: So the event that you've been endlessly teased about by all your friends who have read the books finally arrived -- the infamous Red Wedding and the parade casualties it claims. In a departure from the original novel, Robb's wife (who survives the event on the page) is actually the first to go, with multiple stab wounds to her belly that also mean the end of their unborn child. Then the rest of Robb's party fall, with the Young Wolf himself surviving the initial batch of arrows shot his way, only to be stabbed through the heart by Roose Bolton. Even his direwolf isn't spared, executed in its kennel while a hidden Arya watches. So that's that! Now, there's nothing major left for your book-reading buddies to spoil. Well, except for the thing that happens at Joffrey's wedding. And that thing that Cersei does in Book 4. Oh yeah, and that other thing with Daenerys and her dragons in Book 5. On second thought, there's still a lot of major spoilers your pals can tease you about.
Best Cut to Black: And we thought the show couldn't top the chop that separated Jaime's hand from his body. The nonchalant slicing of Catelyn's throat provided an even more shocking segue to the credits. Frankly, it left us as speechless as her, though not due to any mortal wounds, thankfully.
Most Memorable Lines:
"My granddaughter... Welthou? Walra? Waldina?" "I'm Mary." "Fine." -- Frey, losing track of his own offspring.
"Well, let's get ready. The wine will flow red and the music will play loud and we'll put this mess behind us." -- Frey, not at all giving any hint in regards to what's about to happen during the evening's wedding festivities.
"I have no interest in slaves. A man cannot make love to property." -- Daario, expressing his sexual preferences for Daenerys to hear.
"No one's going to believe you're a hog farmer if you eat them all." -- Arya, instructing the Hound in the art of not blowing his cover.
"You Southerners build your big castles and you never move. You're easy to find." -- Osha, giving us one last great put-down to remember her by.
"You tell me -- how long does it take to sack a city?" -- Daenerys, asking a technical question of her body man, Ser Barristan.
"The sword needs a sheath and the wedding needs a bedding." -- Frey, moving the wedding night into its traditional second act, the bedding ceremony, followed by a surprise third act he improvised all by himself.
"That is a very strange custom." -- Talisa, speaking for all of us about the bedding ceremony tradition.
"I'll find another." -- Walder Frey, casually sentencing his wife to death at Catelyn's hand.
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