Last week, Rachel did a Which Character Are You quiz based on this program, and I ended up as Ray. It only confirmed my weekly feelings of how I'm probably too old to be watching this show. As I near closer and closer to 40, I find myself watching this series, especially an episode like "On All Fours," feeling like a dinosaur and getting mildly depressed about the fact that the only characters I remotely relate to are Hannah's parents. But in some ways, I'm grateful that I am an adult and know not to put Q-tips too far into my ears because I listened when my mother told me the thing about the elbow. That's not to say I don't find the show fascinating. For me, it is like going to the gorilla area at the zoo and studying these strange creatures that sort of look like me but are also incredibly different. So here's my "old lady" take on the characters this week.
This week she got some criticism from her ebook editor (who would really like her to write about having sex with underaged men), and I was hoping that it would wake her up and help her get her OCD under control. Instead, she ended up with a splinter in her ass from sliding across the floor and getting a Q-tip stuck in her ear and possibly damaging her hearing permanently. And she forgot to put on pants to go to the hospital. Or maybe she decided not to bother with pants, and just wandered around Brooklyn with her bandaged butt hanging out from her oversized shirt. That was before she had her awkward encounter with Adam, who told her she looked like crap (and in this case, he wasn't just being mean as he frequently can be) and advised her to put on some pants. And then she tried to even out the pressure in her ears with the Q-tip that she saved from the hospital, which I can only presume means another trip to the ER. Does she have insurance? Who exactly is paying for her stupid mistakes? Her parents? The disgusted doctor with no patience was my hero this week.
Adam and Natalia
So Adam realizes that Natalia is about as polar opposite from Hannah as you can get. She gives very direct instructions on how and when she likes to have sex, and it is very tidy. At an engagement party for her friend Amy Schumer, Adam feels totally awkward and I loved watching him stand in the corner just sort of staring at the people. At moments like that, I can see why Natalia's mom would have fixed him up with her daughter. He just seems so vulnerable. Obviously, when he stepped outside the restaurant and saw Hannah, his feelings for the screwed-up girl returned and the recovering addict went inside had some lovely alcoholic beverages, turned into a dancing machine and unwisely tried to introduce Natalia to his messy apartment and lifestyle in a blunt and forceful manner. On the one hand, I feel bad for her, but on the other, I kind of think she should know what she's getting into, And if it is Adam forcing her to crawl around on his bedroom and ruin her pretty dresses by getting his semen all over her, it's better to find that out up front. And to be fair, she was the one who said that she didn't want him to cum inside her. Even though he was obviously doing some self-sabotage, he was actually listening to some of her directions.
Ray and Shoshanna
Ray is concerned that Shoshanna has gone more bonkers than usual, as she's being overly nice to him and avoiding him all at the same time. He did have my favorite line of the night: "I've been known to dabble in the Macintosh arts.' He also called bullshit on Charlie's stupid party, and while his bluntness could come off as rude, there's something I appreciate about his honesty. On the relationship front, there was lots of awkwardness until Shoshanna finally caved and told him she held hands with a doorman. Is "holding hands" what the kids are calling sex these days? Still, Ray, who is so in love with her (and/or enjoying having an apartment to live in), quickly forgave her for any transgressions. Letting your girlfriend screw other guys so you have a place to keep your Andy Kaufman memorabilia seems like a fair trade.
While Hannah's a certifiable mess and visibly shows it, Marnie's a bigger disaster even though she always looks stunning. While I want to go to Hannah's house and clean the place and help her remember to get properly dressed, Marnie I want to shake and yell at a lot. She's just so desperate and clueless. She stalked Charlie at his job even though he was obviously trying to blow her off, got a pity invite to his party and then embarrassed herself by singing a slowed-down cover of Kanye West's "Stronger" in front of all of his employees and co-workers "to celebrate this premature success you've all had." And she didn't even stop after it was obvious that it was getting a terrible reception. Charlie did take her in his office and screw her on his desk, which I think might only give her false confidence about her singing and give her more incentive to keep showing up at his office. Too bad Charlie didn't invent an app that keeps you from having sex with your ex-girlfriend when she goes off the deep end.
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