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The Telefile
<I>Happy Endings</I>: Real World Character Assessments

"More Like Stanksgiving" might have been the funniest Thanksgiving TV feast we've seen since that time Monica on Friends got a turkey stuck on her head. And not just because of the food and Dave's Navajo sojurn, or the references to the writer-filled band the Rock Bottom Remainders, but also for introducing the fantastic, previously unseen season of The Real World: Sacramento. Please let there be more episodes of this hidden gem out there. In the meantime, here's the true story of what happened when six not-so strangers were picked to have Thanksgiving together in a sex swing:

Dave
He decided to throw a traditional Thanksgiving, even though "his people" weren't actually at the first Thanksgiving either, and went on a ridiculous quest for clams, disappearing for hours without anyone noticing. That, his obsession with the Rock Bottom Remainders tickets that he scored and his cat allergies totally made up for his awful jacket and hair this week.

His Best Lines:
- "As an American living with 1/16th Navajoism, I am going to use this as an opportunity to educate and perhaps enlighten all you white people and throw an authentic Thanksgiving. "
- "Here's the dealio: Some pilgrims stole my car and phone and I can't call any of my friends because I don't know any of their numbers. I called the cops but apparently they won't take you to get clams because they quote aren't a taxi service for idiots."
- "Why would you do this to a fellow Rock Bottom Remain-dude."
- "I experienced the entire plight of the Native American people in just one day. And because of my hardships, I feel the right to bestow upon myself my own Indian name. Henceforth I will be known as Has Ordeals With Clams."
- "Don't tell me you were eyes opened napping again."

Jane
We applaud her for not only her ice-sculpting abilities and her willingness to let Alex at least pretend to make Thanksgiving dinner, but for her very sweet apology to Brad when he found out that she initially wanted to hook up with his Real World housemate Jared instead of him.

Her Best Lines:
- "Don't worry, I am not making you look fat."
- "Wrap it in a rug and throw it in the river."
- "This one can't go pee in the morning until he does his little wiener greeting."
- "I will make a sign-up sheet and we can all take turns."
- "Jared... ready for some boom-boom?"

Brad
Calling his future wife a bitch on national (if unaired) television was pretty great, also seeing him back in the day with the dreadlocks is always a treat.

His Best Lines:
- "She's clearly been making dance."
- "Oh, these shows. They really edit stuff to make you seem like a jerk when you really just love your wife so much."
- "I cannot stand that Jane chick. Kerkovich? More like Kerko-bitch."
- "You're definitely a hero to all the Greg's out there."
- "You were gonna hook up with booty-chin Jared? He had a booty on his chin!"
- "I love the way it smells but not the way it tastes."
- "I just found out your name wasn't Maps."
- "You don't want to make me angry, dude. Because when I get angry, I get naked and when I get naked, I fight. Bottom line. Do you want to go?"

Alex
She was on the top of her game tonight and had us cracking up with nearly every dumb syllable that came out of her mouth. From her confusion about Dave not moving in his stuff to her obliviousness to Penny's longstanding crush on Dave to her misguidedly purchased sex swing, she was just really stellar. And we'd love it if she came over and made us some Nava-Ho-Hos. And extra kudos to the writers who must have had a crystal ball to sneak in a Hostess reference this week.

Her Best Lines:
- "That fact wasn't fun, was it?"
- "Why would want clams on thanksgiving? I just assumed you meant clamps."
- "I made Nava-Ho-Hos."
- "Classic Penny overthink. Come help me set the table, you brainy bitch."
- "Ew. No. This is an ergonomic work hammock."
- "The guy at the flea market clearly said it was for taking care of business."
- "I liked his butt chin."
- "We can make my famous bad potatoes this year?"

- "I'm so tired of people using Vanilla Sky to defend everything!"
- "Or should I say, the stuff is out of the stuff bag."

Max
He got the Real World DVD from the producers and was so excited to show people how he came out of the closet on TV (claiming to be the first, but Penny shot that down with a quick Norm reference). And we loved all the scenes were he tried to keep Penny from making out with him.

His Best Lines:
- "You guys remember how Brad and I met on Real World: Sacramento?... and how they couldn't air that season because one of the roommates burned down the converted firehouse we were living in?"
- "My girlfriend Penny is coming. We have a very sexual relationship. We are like two rabbits just doing it all the time. There's so much sex and it's all... hetero."
- "It's just a figment of your little tiny girl brain."
- "I'm Greg."
- "You guys are being really insensitive to what I'm going through right now ten years ago."
- "Is that a legal name change, or is this like the time you wanted us to call you Lindsay?"
- "I don't want to fight you naked."

Penny
Her line about their Real World past (see below) was so on the nose and perfectly delivered that even though she got a little crazy about not seeming like maybe she liked Dave subconsciously, she still worked. That, her hair and the aforementioned desperately throwing herself at Max, even though he was clearly Greg, was great.

Her Best Lines:
- "Isn't it odd how our sixsome was basically forged on The Real World and yet we never talk about it?"
- "Doesn't Dave have a dining room table and standard non-marital aid chairs in storage?"
- "I have always been a bit of a saboteur."
- "Hey, remember Brad's British wiener?"
- "It was 2002. It was such a crazy time. We were all still reeling from the events surrounding the film Vanilla Sky. I mean, what is reality?"
- "Me and Dave... that would be crah-zah. I should have just said crazy."

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