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The Telefile
What Would Happen if Sharks Attacked Our Favorite Shows? Beginning this Sunday at 9 PM, the Discovery Channel will be rolling out the most famous, popular and acclaimed thing in the history of storytelling -- Shark Week! While squealing about this in the office this morning, Angel brilliantly posed the question: "What if sharks attacked our favorite shows?" Well. Holy hell, what if they did?! I feel this query must be answered. Oh, and please don't tell PETA about this post. None of the following is even remotely possible anyway, so let's just keep it between us.

Lost
A Dharma shark did attack Sawyer and Michael one time, and the usually worthless Michael somehow managed to shoot it to hell. Only took him like 19 tries, too! Kate, on the other hand, would just start crying or something and get eaten alive.

Dr. Who
Ahh, the age-old time-traveling extraterrestrials vs. sharks debate. It's rare that we can apply critical theory to Shark Week, but in this case the answer is: Definitely extraterrestrials. And if you thought sharks, you need to check out a little film I like to call Independence Day. Well, minus the drunk-Randy-Quaid-blows-'em-up ending part.

The Office
Three words: Dwight, pepper, and spray.

House
Things that are problematic: Sharks are immune to sarcasm, and they go after the injured ones first. Things that are not problematic: They are not immune to flame canes and stabby syringes full of synthetic drugs! Those that do not perish have to battle a morphine addiction forever! And they don't have that in the ocean, no matter what sexual favors you're willing to do to get it, shark-prosties!

Battlestar Galactica
Oh please. Starbuck laughs in the face of sharks! She'd single-handedly defeat a shark army with a series of dirty looks, pistol-whips and jabs with jagged green booze bottles! Or, you know, the evil cylons could probably handle it.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette, Either One Because What's the Difference, Really?
Idiot fame-whores chewed to death! Every last one of them! Throw in a few I Love Money contestants, and think of all the STDs we could rid the world of.

Burn Notice
Alright, say sharks bounced on up to Sam's favorite watering hole, right? So there are all these sharks and then Michael's mom is like, "You Johnny-come-lately sharks never call anymore! Fix my toaster!" and then Fi is like, "Sharrrrrks, let's taaaaalk!" and then Michael has a voice-over that's like, "When you're dealing with a shark mob, it's important to look them in the eye" or something, and then Sam shoots them and they die, and I'm like, "Why are all these cylons everywhere?!" That'd be a pretty good episode, actually.

Oh, and you know who else is excited about Shark Week? Our Week Without Pity vlogger, that's who.

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