After hearing how bad The Situation was when they taped this roast, I was dreading it, and, well, for his part he totally bombed. Completely. There was deafening silence as he delivered his clunkers which turned to extremely vocal boos during the course of his few minute stint. Jeff Ross tried in vain to assist him, but it was too late, Sitch's comedy career was dead on arrival. However, I'd love it if he was at future roasts, not to deliver any of his own "zingers," but because he was the butt of more jokes than Trump himself. Fair warning, the content below is not for the faint of heart, or really anyone who doesn't have a sense of humor.
Some of my favorite Situation attacks:
"The producers have asked me to interpret that joke for the handicapped person on our stage. 'Duh... Hey Situation. Rich guy have funny hair.'" - Seth MacFarlane, mimicking Marlee Matlin's voice to explain a joke about Trump's hair
"I tried ordering your book on amazon.com. Amazon said customers who bought this book also bought a rope and a stool." - Lisa Lampanelli
"I gotta say a few more things about my girl Snooki over there. That ain't Snooki? My bad. All white people who act black look alike to me." - Snoop Dogg
"There used to be a word for guys like you. And that word was gay... I guess it still is." - Snoop
"Your hair is so black and fried that Lisa doesn't know whether to eat it or fuck it. " - Whitney Cummings
"The Taj Mahal in New Jersey is hideous. There hasn't been a shithole that big on the shores of New Jersey since the Situation took it in the ass from Pauly D." - Whitney Cummings
"This is a big milestone for The Situation. Tonight is the official beginning of his fifteenth minute of fame." - Seth MacFarlane
"Sitch, I don't want to tell you how to live your life, man, but if you spent half as much time reading books as you do chasing skanks, you probably wouldn't have AIDS." - Anthony Jeselnik
"No need to clap... he already has it." - Seth MacFarlane while introducing Mike
"I guess I am the perfect choice for this roast, because like The Situation, I too have never heard the sound of laughter." - Marlee Matlin
As for the guest of honor, he took his lumps with his typical constipated grimace, as most people took aim at the obvious targets of his hair and his ability to marry fairly attractive women thanks to his loads of money. I was worried about Seth MacFarlane as roast master, because, well, it's Seth MacFarlane, and he's mostly a douche. But he was actually kind of great? I swear I didn't get high with Snoop and Jeff Ross before I watched it. There were some extremely awkward moments over the course of the night, particularly with an ill-timed appearance by Gilbert Gottfried. He jumped in for Marlee's interpreter and basically made some crude jokes. Might have been funny when this was recorded, but a little awkward in light of his offensive Twitter comments. Still, the best moment of the entire night for me was courtesy of the producer/sound editor, who decided to play that Six Flags dancing creepy old guy music when Larry King walked out. Subtle, but wonderful.
Here are the rest of the best non-Situation related lines:
"She will be competing for a charity that has yet to be announced, but will probably be some deaf bullshit." - Seth MacFarlane on Marlee Matlin's appearance on Celebrity Apprentice
"The second worst tragedy to ever hit New York City." - Seth MacFarlane on the guest of honor
"If I wanted to bang a skinny black man with braids, I'll call Alicia Keys." - Lisa Lampanelli regarding Snoop Dogg
"You've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2... You've put up more useless hotels than an autistic kid playing monopoly." - Lisa Lampanelli on Trump
"He has a spine like a question mark, as if his body is asking, 'How did I get seven women to fuck me?'" - Seth MacFarlane on Larry King.
"Donald says he wants to run for president and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time you pushed a black family out of their home." - Snoop Dogg on Trump
"Look at this dais -- you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer and then eight white people." - Anthony Jeselnik regarding Snoop Dogg
"Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man that raped her mother." - Anthony Jeselnik
"If you are 71 percent black, you are 29 percent not guilty." - Larry King on Snoop Dogg
"Lisa is a stone cold freak. Lisa fucked Larry King, Don King, Rodney King and Billie Jean King in a Burger King bathroom. This bitch loves to eat. If you want to fuck Lisa doggie-style, all you have to do is put food on the floor." - Snoop Dogg on Lisa Lampanelli
"Marlee has become a hero among deaf lesbians, or as they prefer to be called... earmuffs." - Seth on Marlee's L-Word stint
"I've been told by thousands of people that when I speak it sounds like Whitney Cummings with a dick in her mouth." - Marlee Matlin, who also gets extra kudos for her super-crass sign language
"He died recently of multiple aneurysms, which is kind of like different strokes." - Jeff Ross on Gary Coleman
"A man, who in addition to everything that's been said about him tonight, has also done a lot of gay stuff." - Seth MacFarlane on Donald
"Lisa, or as I call her Miss USDA. I want you to be a judge at my next Miss Universe pageant. You are perfect, because like the universe, you are constantly expanding and filled with dark matter." - Trump attempting some humor at Lisa Lampanelli's expense
What did you think? Are you still trying to erase The Situation's painful performance from your brain? Sound off below.
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