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<i>Real World: San Diego</i>: Meet Your Terrible New Cast

It pains me to write about a debut episode of a new Real World season without making a Chappelle's Show "Mad Real World" joke, or to write about San Diego without quoting Anchorman, but a lot of atrocious things happened last night and I don't want to take any time away from talking about how much I hate the newest members of the MTV family. "First Impressions" had a lot of rich material to close-read, and I think that is best done by ranking the new cast from most offensive to least. Can you take a wild guess on who I thought was the worst?

Frank
Seriously, where do you start with this dude? The 22-year-old bisexual who "lived in Vermont for four years" (he's from Canastota, New York, if you're wondering) was truly despicable every second he got screen time. Going for the one girl who has a boyfriend is nothing new to the Real World universe, but absolutely breaking down when she "rejects" you is pathetic. But I'm getting ahead of myself! When we first got to spend real time with Frank in the house, his first course of action was criticizing Sam, as he claims to not like putting his sexuality out there... and yet he doesn't mind walking naked into a shower full of girls in their bathing suits. Could a straight guy get away with that? Could Frank, even? I hate that he assumes he's supposed to get along with Sam because they both identify with the LGBT*Q community. I definitely didn't make that assumption -- Sam is a level-headed human while Frank is a controlling douchebag. He literally chose to get involved in every single battle he possible could, including the short-lived drama of whether or not Nate forced himself on Priscilla (which he didn't do and Priscilla never actually said he did). I began to feel bad for hating Frank so much because I think that he may clearly be manic, but everything with Alexandra was unacceptable. She was immediately honest with him that she had a boyfriend and seemed like a person who just really wanted to see the good -- and not the creepiness -- in people. But it got to the point with Frank that she had to tell him outright that she didn't want to hook up with him. I do give props to Frank for crying and declaring that he didn't want anyone to be his friend -- he's on the right track for that request.

Alexandra
For fueling Frank's fire, the Los Angeles hipster was the second offender in last night's premiere. While I don't think anyone would immediately have guessed that their brand new housemate was feverishly in love with him, is civil engineer Alex really so dense that she thought Frank was "like a brother" and "a great friend" who genuinely wanted to hear about her relationship? Was she not tipped off when he grabbed the phone while she was talking to her boyfriend and told young Byron that he thought his lady was absolutely beautiful?

Nate
I could handle listening to the Midwestern bro talking about splitting atoms and yelling at birds (the first word we heard out of his mouth was "PIGEON!"), but he would not stop talking about how "weird" it is for a person to be bisexual. There are plenty of things to hate about Frank, and his sexual preference is definitely not one of them. He swears he's not judging anyone, though! Phew!

Thor
Okay, his name is Zach and he majored in "sports science" (whatever that is), but I will be referring to him as Thor for as long as I have to watch him because, duh. His homophobia seems a little bit deeply embedded than Nate's, but at least Thor had the good sense of keeping his thoughts to himself and in the Diary Room rather than whispering them to the other housemates the way Nate did. Don't get me wrong, he rubbed me the wrong way and everything, but he mostly just seems like he's afraid of sexuality in general. He believes Ashley and he will eventually hook up because they've got that football-player-cheerleader dynamic, so there's some awkward sexy times to look forward to. For all of his faults and the line "We have to fend for ourselves here, dude" re: Frank being bisexual, he donned a three wolf moon t-shirt and actually seemed level-headed during Frank's meltdown.

Priscilla
We get it. It's not easy being the youngest person on a reality cast (we do watch Bad Girls Club, after all!) but this 19-year-old has to cut the kid crap. I didn't need to hear her and her mom share sexual secrets, but besides that, she didn't completely do anything too offensive. She's just really, really annoying.

Sam
The Virginia native enjoys hunting, fishing, laughing at herself and calling herself one of the boys, which I enjoyed because it made Frank, Nate and Thor all so uncomfortable and they suck. I give her credit for the way she dealt with everyone's obvious uneasiness with her sexuality, because I imagine that it is no picnic coming out to this group of idiots when you know that one of them was probably specifically cast because they hate gay and lesbian people. Save for an awkward and pointless shower with Priscilla, I don't have any complaints about Sam's behavior. I thought she handled the whole f-word at the club incident really well. I'm not saying that Frank had no right to be upset about it, but Sam's response of not letting an ugly word said by a drunken stranger completely destroy your livelihood seemed way healthier.

Ashley
My favorite person in the house, as she spoke for not five minutes the entire episode. Keep it up, Ash!

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