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<i>Modern Family</i>: The Best Lines of this Week’s Episode

"Arrested" premiered just hours after TMZ reported some very personal and heartbreaking news about Ariel Winter (Alex Dunphy), so to say I didn't watch this episode without bias would just be a lie. Even then, aside from what actually must be the ten millionth storyline about Mitchell and Cameron bickering with each other, I really enjoyed everything that happened. Let's get right to the highlights:

"Lily, what did I say?"
"That it was only a matter of time."

How I knew I was going to like this episode: Lily actually landed her first big line of the night. The rest of the scenes she was in, she was at worst distracting and at best just plain quiet -- not bad! I also loved the blind taste test gag and the fact that Cam took a vegan cooking class, though I do question that he would have absolutely no idea that his nephew is deathly allergic to soy.

"You just woke up, how are you tired?"
"Maybe because I'm turning food into a human!"

With the exception of the contractually-mandated One Horrifying Joke About Columbians she made, Gloria had a great night. I could have done without DeDe and all of the uterus jokes, but at least the writers gave up on her freaking out on Gloria every episode and added the nice little detail of her and Manny getting along so well. Meanwhile, I hated Jay being so cold to Manny -- it seemed forced and just plain mean.

"Luke, the opening's supposed to be in the back!"
"No way, I don't want people seeing my butt!"

Related: What I would give to be able to trade the Cam-Mitch moments of this episode to for Alex's short time making rounds at the hospital.

"Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie."
Phil deserves better than just reminiscing about his glory days and accidentally insulting Claire, and I think "Arrested" gave him that much-need extra legroom. Also, as a rule, it's kind of hard to mess up reference to Legally Blonde, so this joke was just a bend-and-snap for me.

"Where are you going?"
"To get that man a waffle!"

Phil's hints about eating waffles was fun and everything, but what brought the whole episode together was Phil finally disciplining Haley while Claire looked on in pride. At first I was really surprised that Haley got kicked out of college (for at least a year, anyway), but it quickly dawned on me that this is a family sitcom on Disney-owned ABC -- not exactly the kind of company that wants to align itself with tolerating underage drinking. Alex hugging her sister when she came back home pretty much broke my heart.

"This is a disciplinary hearing, not JDate."
Not only do I love a good trial, but this strange little exchange just totally caught me off-guard.

"What if I sat in this chair and I was really super quiet and I just listened?"
Credit where credit is due: Maybe he's absolutely insufferable most of the time these days, but defeated Mitch (when Cam isn't involved) is pretty damn good, especially when halves of peaches are involved.

What did you think of the episode? Should Alex get a Doogie Howser, M.D.-type spin-off Sound off in the comments!

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